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I've changed my mind about having a child but he won't.

(66 Posts)
nickynackynoodle Mon 12-Nov-12 11:13:12

Hi, I've namechanged for this, it's eating my life at the moment. I'm married to a man 15 years older than me, I'm 29, he has three children from previous marriage, the youngest is 18. we have been married for three years.
When we got together he asked if I wanted children (I was 22 when I met him) and I said no, I didn't and never had.
I have changed my mind but I know he won't. He will call it a fad of mine and get angry if I try to talk about it. I know that if I try to talk about it he will sulk for weeks and life will be miserable. I'm so unhappy at the moment and I don't know what to do.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Mon 12-Nov-12 11:16:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Mon 12-Nov-12 11:19:08

Being 15 years older than you he should have known that you were too young at 22 to know this.

If you are now keen on children and he is not, I would leave him so that you both got what you wanted: He no more children (as he has three) and You get children as you have none.

It is also a massive red flag that he seem so dismissive of your opinion. Is he always like that?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 12-Nov-12 11:19:12

Leave him.

I know that sounds drastic, but there can be no compromise on this matter. He's in his mid-40's and has finally raised three dc to adulthood, he doesn't want to do it again, and an "accidental" pregnancy would probably lead to the end of your relationship anyway.

Leave him, and find someone closer to your own age, preferably without dc.

Sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 11:19:25

It's always a problem when people want different things. In a good relationship, you should be able to agree to disagree. A man that gets angry, sulks and makes your life miserable just because you don't want to do what he wants you to do is a bully. Sadly, that kind of man often looks for a much younger partner because they believe they can be more easily dominated.

If you know what the reaction is going to be already that suggests this is a common behaviour pattern for him. Do you tend to do what you want, when you want or do you generally find yourself wondering how he's going to react or thinking it's not worth rocking the boat?

My guess is that you may actually find you do want children one day but that you just don't want them with him...

Floralnomad Mon 12-Nov-12 11:19:35

Fairly simple really , if he's adamant that he doesn't want children you then decide whether you want children more than you want him .

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 11:21:04

Sorry... got that the wrong way around. If you want children, have them with someone else.

expatinscotland Mon 12-Nov-12 11:29:44

You're going to have to move on, IME.

YY, at 37 he should have known a 22-year-old might change her mind. I did!

We divorced, I had children with my new husband, he married another woman in her late 30s who'd been sterilised by choice before she met him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 12-Nov-12 11:30:50

He will call it a fad of mine and get angry if I try to talk about it. I know that if I try to talk about it he will sulk for weeks and life will be miserable

You seem very certain of his response. Try discussing it, you deserve to have your say, if he remains strongly against the idea I'm afraid you have to respect that and consider whether you want to stay married to him. If his attitude towards you when he disagrees with you on major or for that matter, minor topics is as bad as you predict, it already looks like you have problems.

nickynackynoodle Mon 12-Nov-12 11:31:10

Yes he is generally dismissive, sometimes I just don't even mention things to him because he will get cross.

I knew what you would all say, it's just a bit scary. I also know that if I leave he will accuse me of having an affair.

I feel really stupid because I think this is what my mum tried to warn me about when we got together but clearly I was young and knew everything sad

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Mon 12-Nov-12 11:32:05

Do you really want to pressurize this man (he sounds very unpleasant btw) into having your children?

Your life and relationship does not sound altogether that rosy now, why bring children into it?

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Mon 12-Nov-12 11:40:35

Who cares if he thinks you are having an affair? You know you are not (unless you are). You dont need his permission to end your marriage.

You can start divorce proceedings and move on, citing unreasonable behaviour, such as not wanting children, you dont need his approval in this!

nickynackynoodle Mon 12-Nov-12 11:41:02

I know, it's been a gradual realisation that he's not that nice. He's nice to everyone else though but I can hardly get a conversation out of him.

In fact the only conversation he has started in the last week is to ask me why I went to see a school friend and stayed the night last week whilst I visited my parents when I should have gone back to my parents house clearly and spent the night there.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 11:41:24

If you're already at the stage where you back down or don't raise subjects for fear of him doing this cross, sulky, aggressive routine then he is controlling your behaviour and that is WRONG. Don't let pride or the fear of hearing 'I told you so' keep you trapped. Stand up for yourself, demand to be taken seriously and... if that fails... consider if you want this to be your future.

nickynackynoodle Mon 12-Nov-12 11:41:39

And no I'm not having an affair.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 11:42:52

Oh dear... posessive, controlling, bullying, domineering older man with younger wife. Did you post another thread about him recently or are there two poor MN-ers with the same Victorian martinet in place of a loving husband?

PeppermintPasty Mon 12-Nov-12 11:43:00

You're not stupid. I'm not sure I'd even know myself at 22 from the aged distance of my 44 years. I also didn't want children, all through my 20s and the early part of my 30s, and I was adamant about it. Everyone is entitled to change their minds, and 29 is a very different age to 22 no question.

If you want children then I doubt that feeling will go away, so I echo what other posters have said.

Unless your OH is an insensitive clod (?) he should have thought about this in the intervening years IMO.

MonkeyRisotto Mon 12-Nov-12 11:43:23

You shouldn't feel stupid about it, I made a mistake when I married my significantly older XW, and I'm pretty sure my folks knew it was a mistake.

What you have to do is learn from your mistakes, and move on.

At the end of the day, what does it matter if he accuses you of having an affair, you don't have any kids with him, post-divorce you don't need to have any contact with him.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Mon 12-Nov-12 11:44:37

You need to leave him and move on while you are still young.

It is unlikely this is a fad - wanting to have children is an innate need for many people (not all obviously) and not one that just goes away.

He should have known this, as he has his own children, and therefore marrying someone so much younger than him was a very selfish thing for him to do.

Please don't worry about what he will think, whether he thinks you are having an affair or not is irrelevant. But don't try to pressurise him into "reluctantly" agreeing to have a child with you. If that happens, you will spend the next 20 years having to be grateful to him for allowing you to have a child, and gratitude (especially forced gratitude) is never a good basis for any sort of relationship.

Go and talk to your parents; be honest and admit that maybe you made a mistake. Decide what you want - and if it's children tell him so. It sounds as though your mum will support you if you decide to change the direction of your life.

And you are still young, you have plenty of time. Think how much harder a decision this would be if you were 40 instead of 25?

TeaMakesItToTheTop Mon 12-Nov-12 11:45:30

Don't feel stupid. Having strong opinions and thinking you're right is part of being young.

There are two reasons to leave here. His attitude to you/inability to communicate and the question of children.

Feck what he says about you having an affair. Tell him it's because he's dismissive and you really want children.

juneau Mon 12-Nov-12 11:45:53

He doesn't sound very nice, I'm afraid. You're young enough to leave him and meet someone else and have the family you would like to have. Don't waste too many more years sticking with him if he doesn't want the same things - your fertility won't last forever, whereas his refusal to have a family sounds like it will.

Helltotheno Mon 12-Nov-12 11:50:16

You're 29 Op with your whole life ahead of you. Yes you agreed about not having kids at a time when you were very young and he was naive and a fool to think you wouldn't change your mind.

In other news, he sounds like a prat in general and very dismissive of you. At your age, please don't let this be the only experience you have of a relationship with a man. I would have a litttle think (on your own) about the logistics, eg, where you're going to live, how to get your stuff out etc, then when you're organised, just tell him you're leaving. We're all allowed make mistakes. Chalk it up to experience. Anyone who advised you against him in the first place will just be happy to see you walk away. Gook luck smile

Helltotheno Mon 12-Nov-12 11:52:52

By the way, just looking at some of your posts again, he sounds controlling. Don't put yourself in a position where you can be 'strongarmed' by him, literally or figuratively. That's why I think you should have a lot of the groundwork done before you even say you're leaving.

nickynackynoodle Mon 12-Nov-12 11:55:47

I have a tear in my eye at your kindness, thank you.

I am looking back at my year and thinking that I knew this subconsciously months ago as I started "de-nesting" our home together, throwing loads of junk out and generally making it as easy as possible for me to pack a bag and go.

Life is slightly complicated by my mother's alcoholism although she is doing really well. 90% of the time she is great, 10% she is a hideous she devil, this limits the time I can spend talking to her somewhat.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Mon 12-Nov-12 11:58:37

Do you have other family, nicky? I would be careful of going to your mum's if she has a problem with alcohol - you don't want to the excuse for her to lapse, or for her to come to rely on you.

Have you somewhere you could go short term?

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