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Is this normal?

(28 Posts)
Jubaloo222 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:35:53

Have been married for 5 years, together 7, have two beautiful dc's.

Is it normal to not be aloud to even have a conversation let alone be friends with a guy?

Got married and settled down young, i'm 25 he's 35. Can i only speak too/ know women? I feel like I'm trusted, but never aloud to be in a situation when I'm not, IYSWIM. I don't go out on the town, Well have a few times but its not worth the hassle, I'll be in the 'doghouse' for days with shitty comments about other men.

He is the lovelist guy he just thinks I'm gonna run off with someone I think. I trust him completely with everyone. Wish he could me. Any ideas? Or am I over reacting? I just want to have a night out with the girls without an interrogation for days after.

I have never cheated, or even thought about it. I feel really trapped in a way. Hopefully you wise women will tell me this is normal and to get over it hmm

ThatBastardSanta Sun 11-Nov-12 22:37:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr Sun 11-Nov-12 22:38:32

Not at all normal no he is insecure and controlling

QuietNinjaTardis Sun 11-Nov-12 22:38:49

No not normal. He shouldn't be treating you this way.

Littlefish Sun 11-Nov-12 22:40:14

Not normal at all.

lucidlady Sun 11-Nov-12 22:42:15

Not normal. Very controlling. How is your relationship other than this? What does he do that makes him the loveliest guy?

SirBoobAlot Sun 11-Nov-12 22:42:55

Its not normal, and he is not lovely.

olgaga Sun 11-Nov-12 22:44:51

It's not normal. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 11-Nov-12 22:45:44

He is not lovely, it is not normal.

Don't fall for his bullshit which I expect is along the lines of 'I trust you but not all the blokes who are out looking for a snog/shag', or 'but you are just so beautiful I can't bear the thought of you leaving me'. And other such gems.

You were barely more than a child when you met your DH, he was an adult. It is time to show him that you have grown up - you are a woman and a mother and his equal.
If he doesn't like that, then you have a big problem.

Hassled Sun 11-Nov-12 22:48:23

Not remotely normal.

So - what's causing it? Option A - he's not actually all that trustworthy himself, and he's projecting what he's like on to you. Option B - he has massive security issues and is incapable of ever trusting anyone, even people who love him. Option C - it's a deliberate attempt to control you.

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 22:49:22

Agree it is not normal and not ok.

Also agree with alibaba. I am always suspicious about much older adults who seek relationships with teenagers for exactly that reason.

MrsWembley Sun 11-Nov-12 22:49:44

Oh ffs, bloody hell and my god, NO, this is not normal.

Listen to everyone who is saying to you that he is not a lovely guy. Lovely guys let you talk to whomsoever you please. Lovely guys do this because they want to see you happy. Lovely guys love seeing their loved ones happy, not terrified.

Jubaloo222 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:50:59

Yep I kinda already knew it wasn't. Getting worse over time. How can i fix this? I tell him i hate it that he doesn't trust me and he say's he does and that he's sorry etc. Then it starts again when I have a conversation with say the plumber. He's lovely because, well, he adores us in every way, works hard for our family and is so caring would do anything for anyone.

hopenglory Sun 11-Nov-12 22:52:14

No, so very far from being normal - and something that needs to be dealt with, not got over.

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 22:53:20

I doubt he adores you, if he is so jealous and controlling it is more likely he possesses you.

I don't know if you can fix it. Do you obey him when he dictates? What does he do if you speak to a man?

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 22:53:49

It is nothing to do with trust btw, it is possession.

Jubaloo222 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:55:32

And yep alibaba that exactly what he says... Wow there a guide book!? [Hmm] No I'm not happy like this. But I love everything else about him.

tribpot Sun 11-Nov-12 22:56:08

If he adored you, he would know that you would not cheat on him, and therefore would trust you.

How can i fix this?

He fixes it. He (in theory) recognises that the problem is his. Now he needs to fix it.

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 23:00:50

It is dangerous to be with

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 23:01:12

Oops, someone who treats you as a possession.

Jubaloo222 Sun 11-Nov-12 23:02:31

No I don't obey. Well I don't think I do. I'm not frightened. It's more silent treatment snide comments etc. I hate arguing.

Ok so I'm gonna be a big girl. Shit, easier said than done. Everyone thinks we're so perfect. We're stable, I want that for my kids.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 11-Nov-12 23:02:33

You cannot fix this. All you can do is tell him that you won't allow him to dictate to you in this way any longer. It is up to him to get his head around it and behave as a proper loving husband should.

You can tell him that if he really did love and adore you, then he would want you to be happy. And that his current behaviour isn't making you happy.

Don't get bogged down into a scenario where you are constantly having to reassure him that you aren't planning to run off with the milkman or your neighbour or whoever else. This is his issue, and he needs to find a way to stop behaving like such a prat.

SirBoobAlot Sun 11-Nov-12 23:04:14

If he adored you, he wouldn't treat you like this.

He has a go at you for talking to the plumber?!

He wants you to be a meek little woman in the corner, doing as she is told. He doesn't love you - he feels he owns you.

There is nothing you can do to change his mentality.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sun 11-Nov-12 23:16:48

Been there done that. Put your foot down, you know your not gonna do anything even if the most handsome man came onto you. So tell him to pipe down and talk to who you want. It's entirely his problem.

MrsWembley Sun 11-Nov-12 23:23:47

My DP used to be a bit like this, not with men, just certain types that didn't fit in with his perfect little world. I told him not to be so silly and did what I wanted. Then I refused to talk to him about it afterwards if he tried to make a scene or just acted like nothing was different and there was nothing for him to get all hot and bothered about.

He's fine now, normal as the next bloke... Training can pay off if you have faith and there's a decent sort underneath all the bluster and years of conditioning by parents others.

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