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Friend speaks to me like dirt but speaks to others nicely

(153 Posts)
Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 18:56:09

Hi, I've namechanged for this as my friend could possibly work out from my other posts on MN who I am.

I have been best friends with my best friend since we were about 12. All through school our friendship was based very much on her being the leader, and me being the underdog. She decided everything and bossed me around a lot. I took this as I didn't have much confidence at school. She is very much the type of person who is fine as long as absolutely everything is going her way. Should anyone upset the apple cart then she effectively bullies that person. I have seen her do it many a time to others, and I learnt at school to just toe the line and please her as I learnt to my cost once that if I didn't do as she said I would end up with everyone being turned against me and having a thoroughly miserable time until she decided to 'forgive' me. At the same time she would have people to whom she was very respectful and whom she wouldn't dare cross, and she would be nice as pie to them.

Fast forward twenty years and we are still in touch, more out of habit than anything really. We have a big circle of mutual friends, some of whom were from our schooldays, and other friends we've met in the meantime. I socialise a lot with many of these mutual friends. Not so much with so-called BF but I do socialise in a group with her at times. She arranges a lot of nights out but again it all has to suit her or she throws her toys out of her pram.

One thing I've noticed however is she speaks to me very disrespectfully all the time. She is quite an abrupt person and very bossy, and a lot of people do take this, but I've noticed the way she speaks to me is even more disrespectful than her bossy tone, it's very condescending and downright rude. Few examples; it was my birthday in the summer. She wrote 'HB' on my FB wall as my birthday message. Yet on mutual friends walls for their birthdays she is very gushing 'Happy Birthday Sweetie, have a super day, enjoy' etc etc. She also does FB events pages if she organises a night out and if I say anything on them I get a very snappy reply or if I can't go she just writes 'shame' whilst on other mutual friends replies if they can't go she is all 'never mind my darling, see you soon'. When we meet up she is very snappy with me. Everyone else gets gushing treatment yet I often get snapped at and spoken to like something she's scraped off her shoe. Yet she keeps contacting me and inviting me to things, and texts me etc, but doesn't seem to like me? I think she is a complex character with lots of jealousy issues and one mutual friend has suggested she might be jealous of me. And at other times she makes jokes about me that everyone else thinks are funny but I know she's doing it as a put down. Also all her comments on my FB are rude or derogatory. I put one on of one of my DDs the other week and her comment 'God she looks like YOU. Poor child'.

Anyway, I really don't feel I can tackle her on her behaviour as I know what she is like, she will whinge and bitch and turn all mutual friends against me, and I will be totally left out of the social circle. I don't make any attempt to contact her and keep contact with her on nights out very brief, but I can't cut off from her altogether as she will again turn on me and make my life difficult.

I really don't know what to do; do I pull back from the nights out and focus on other friends that aren't mutual friends with her, of which I have quite a few. Or do I stand up to her? Ignore her? I'm not keen on confrontation. And everyone else seems to think she's wonderful. Help!

CoteDAzur Sun 11-Nov-12 19:00:03

Why don't you talk to her privately? Tell her that you would rather she talked to you and about you with respect.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:00:53

How old are you? Can she really turn all your friends against you now. Surely you have all grown up since school?

Is she the only one who sorts out your social life? Can you just not bother with the things she organises and try and cut her out of your life?

Have you ever answered her back when she has been curt with you?

I would either start to stand up for myself or just get rid of her as a friend, as she doesn't act like a friend.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:03:27

CoteDAzur I've thought about that but I don't think she'd take it very well. She is very much of the school of thought that she is never wrong.

Sissy, I know it sounds pathetic but yes she would do that now. She has done it before to another mutual friend and now I am the only one out of the group of friends that still speaks to this friend. She just spreads gossip around about them and because she is a very dominant character everyone is scared to disagree with her. She's not the only one who organises the social life, but she is generally there on group nights out with our group of mutual friends. There is no escaping her unless I ditch that group of friends totally, which to be honest I am leaning towards.

Moln Sun 11-Nov-12 19:04:02

Knock her off facebook for a start (or if you're too worried to do that block her from everything.

I would just ignore her making no effort to met her. Wouldn't stop socialising with mutal friends though, as they are your friends.. Just ignore her when you are out in the same place (or just make short polite conversation then relocate yourself to another group of friends)

Moln Sun 11-Nov-12 19:05:36

also why don't you orgnise a night out and just don't invite her?

Oh and stop refering to her as a friend. She's not.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:05:59

The problem is on group nights out she won't leave me alone. She keeps trying to talk to me all the time. Then snapping at me or making jokes out of my replies to her. And of course everyone thinks her jokes are hilarious.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:06:25

If you did ditch this bunch of friends, would you still have any friends left, and are there any friends in the group that you would actually miss?

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:06:55

If I organised a night out and didn't invite her she would kick off big time sad My name would be mud and probably one of the others would invite her along anyway and she'd then be in a bad mood with me for not inviting her and I'd get a hard time.

I think I need to move away from the whole group of friends tbh...

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:07:43

Sissy, yes I have friends outside of this group thank goodness, so I wouldn't be friend-less so to speak if I ditched the group. Yes there are a few I would miss I think.

kinkyfuckery Sun 11-Nov-12 19:08:33

She's not your friend.

I'd just pull her up about it, then it's her choice whether to stop and fix the 'friendship' or just to fuck off.

abbierhodes Sun 11-Nov-12 19:08:41

I honestly think that if your friends are so shallow that they'll ditch you on her say so, then you don't need them. Honestly, you are better off with a couple of decent friends than loads of crap ones, especially when they make you feel bad about yourself. Get rid.

AlmostAHipster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:09:21

She's not really a friend, is she? More like a bully who's terrorising you. I would block and ignore her - let her work out why.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:11:34

I don't think she would try to fix the friendship. Her reaction at being told she is wrong or at someone standing up to her is usually to terrorise that person. Abbierhodes, I am coming round to that way of thinking that a couple of good friends are better than loads of crap ones. AlmostaHipster, I am leaning towards doing that, and yes I totally agree she is a bully who is terrorising me.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:17:51

I'd leave them to it then. I am assuming you are all pretty young for her to be able to terrorise you all to such an extent.

Stick with people you like spending time with and get rid of the ones whose company you don't enjoy.

FreelanceMama Sun 11-Nov-12 19:19:20

That sounds rough. I've recently developed an ability to stand up for myself since having a baby, partly because I'm too damn tired to worry about consequences and partly because I want to be a good role model for my son. If you're not feeling up to tackling it head-on, try being the grown up. If you keep cool and mature and good humoured then whatever she says about you to other people won't wash.

Here's my view on your situation:
* You've outgrown this 'friend' - she has not grown up since school and surrounded herself with people who let her behave this way.
* if your daughter had a friend like this I expect you'd want her to have nothing to do with her.
* You deserve to have friends who respect you and support you,and let you know when you're being a pain.
* come up with a couple of ways to react to her verbal rudeness with good humour e.g.
"Miaow - saucer of milk for the lady in the red sweater" or "ouch - it's a good job I know you're only joking"
* don't respond to any of her rude written comments.

If you're feeling braver, next time she organises something, reply to her privately saying that when she teases you, it makes you feel like you're not welcome, so you'd rather not go.

Good luck.

PS - putting maturity aside - what a cowbag!

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:19:35

No we're not as young as it probably comes across Sissy. She is a VERY strong, dominant character. I've known women like her in their forties and fifties in the past. The thing is, I do enjoy the company of the others, and I've felt that I'd just be totally weak to back down and let her win, when I enjoy seeing the others. But as I have other friends it is silly really to keep putting myself through all this shit all the time.

FiercePanda Sun 11-Nov-12 19:20:55

It's not a friendship though. She's been bitching at you, taking the piss out of you and complaining AT you since the age of 12! When are you going to stand up for yourself and realise that she isn't worth bothering about?

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:21:46

Thank you FreelanceMama, lots of good suggestions there. In fact thank you everyone for listening to me venting! I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this in real life.

picnicbasketcase Sun 11-Nov-12 19:22:34

I think you need to be very honest and equally short back. 'Ive had enough of you speaking to me like that. As you clearly have time, affection and manners to offer everyone else and none for me, I see little point in continuing to have anything to do with each other.'

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:23:36

It's not the friendship with her I'm particularly bothered about, it's the repercussions on my friendships with others. Honestly, she really is very very dominant and can be extremely viscious and spiteful.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:24:19

Good idea, picnicbasketcase.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:26:42

Seriously, if the friends are that shallow that they will let her speak badly about you and end their friendship with you on her say so, they aren't worth keeping.

She sounds like a bag of laughs to spend time with!

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:27:15

A few weeks ago she held a get together at her house for about 20 of us. She put the event on FB. I commented that I might be a bit late as my DH worked that day. By late I meant half an hour or so. She replied on the event page 'Don't bother coming then, on time or nothing'. Shortly afterwards another friend said they would be later as they needed to put their DD to bed before coming out and her reply was along the lines of 'Don't worry my lovely, will be wonderful to see you whenever you can make it'. I actually cried after reading her reply to me, and I didn't go to the get together. I wish I'd said something in reply on the FB event now.

kinkyfuckery Sun 11-Nov-12 19:28:08

Seriously, if the friends are that shallow that they will let her speak badly about you and end their friendship with you on her say so, they aren't worth keeping.


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