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AIBU for thinking my husband is an absolute prick?

(12 Posts)
Mrs3chins Sun 11-Nov-12 14:22:57

My head is all over the place at the moment and my life is a disaster with no light at the end. The one person I thought would b there for me isn't and I don't know what to do.

Basically in the last 3 months my dad has been diagnosed with bowel cancer and I have a seriously sick nephew in intensive care. Although my dad is going through gruelling chemo to try and control the cancer, he's not going to b cured and the family know he won't have long with us. Although my nephew is doing ok the stress of all this on the family is unbearable. The thought of losing my dad is just too much and I don't know what I'm going to do without him.

On top of all this my husband was also made redundant so we now have money worries. He is trying to set up his own business which I'm fully supporting but he is very stressed out and taking it out on me. He is snappy, moody, argumentative and withdrawn. I'm not able to talk to him about what's going on in my family as he's so distant. Now I know losing your job and going it alone is stressful at the best of times but I really need someone emotionally and I'm not getting it.

We were having a few issues before my dads news anyway. We have a 12 month old baby and we were arguing a lot as our home life is chaotic. We were constantly running round trying to do it all - fitting in friends etc on top of house work, food shopping etc and the home life was suffering. No time for meal planning so dinners, lunches etc were always a mad panic, messy house, no ironed clothes etc. we were both out at least 2-3 evenings a week plus he'd b out all morning Sunday's till 2pm playing football then sometimes all day on a sat watching football. We never made time for each other (we may have had 2-3 date nights since our baby was born). We were arguing constantly but then my dad got sick and this all just got swept to one side to b dealt with at a later time although nothing's changed. My time away from the house is spent supporting my mum ie taking her food shopping and visiting my dad but he's still socialising as much and everything is a disorganised mess.

Now last night he admitted his feelings had gone numb and his feelings of love for me had gone although he's not thinking its permanent, just since we were arguing loads and throughout this stressful period. Ive known this deep down for ages because of the lack of emotional support, distant behaviour, no cuddles or touching etc. but to be told it has been very hard to hear. My reasoning for feeling he is a prick is because in my mind I think "so what, ok you've lost your job but I'm going to lose my dad. I'd give anything to have him over a job". I think despite his numbness he should be trying to support me, show me affection and make the effort to treat me to a night out here and there to take my mind off things. Is this really too much to ask? I feel so alone it's unreal. How am I meant to take this on as well as everything else??

Sorry for rambling, just had to get it all out xx

BookieMonster Sun 11-Nov-12 14:41:42

Do you think he is being distant because there is someone else?

QueenieLovesEels Sun 11-Nov-12 14:47:17

It sounds as if your marriage is over and you have both avoided the issues for far too long.

The priorities are all wrong. If you are not coping with the day to day running of the household then some of the outside stuff has to go. It wouldn't be so overwhelming.

I might be wrong but it seems as if both of you are in need of taking on some domestic responsibilities. Does he routinely welch on his side of the deal so you then dig your heels in and the household gets more chaotic?

pumpkinsweetie Sun 11-Nov-12 14:53:41

He sounds very self-absorbed tbh.
With two very sick relatives for you to worry about, now is not the time for your dh to start saying "my love for you is diminishing" and he sounds very lazy in regards to the fact you haven't mentioned him doing any housework!
You need to concentrate on things at home and with your relatives.
His behaviour is absurd.

Mrs3chins Sun 11-Nov-12 15:05:40

I've asked the question whether there's someone else and he swears there isn't. I guess it's always a possibility but in my heart I think he's telling the truth and without any proof I guess I just have to take his answer as truth.

He does help round the house but im guessing like most wives this is through nagging. He was raised in an extremely messy house and he thinks my standards are too high. But believe me his chdhood home was grim - think hoarders.

I know full well I'm not a naturally organised person and I do procrastinate ALOT. I know I need to work on this and the combination of us both doesn't make for a tidy house or organised life. But a lot of the arguing is me trying to say that we both need to change for our lives to work.

NishiNoUsagi Sun 11-Nov-12 15:23:10

Alright, take a massively deep breath smile
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and your nephew, can't imagine how stressful and painful that must be for you.

For the posters above saying, "Is there someone else??" "Your marriage is over!!" ..I don't think that's really helpful and it's certainly not advice :/

Your husband is behaving like an arse, that's for certain. You have so much (too much?) going on - both of you. This may be an unpopular view but thinking about it from your husband's point of view. He's lost his job - hugely stressful. He's trying to set up his own business with the stress that involves, he probably worried he's messed everything up by losing his job, that his new business isn't going to be a success, that he's not going to be able to support his family financially - these are things that hit men really, really hard. His wife is facing illness and losses in her family. Men are fixers and as he obviously can't fix that (and probably isn't great with emotions) he probably doesn't have a clue what to do. He should be being a lot lot more supportive to you, but I am almost 100% sure that his being a complete arse, him saying he's numb and can't feel love for you are due to the huge pressures he feels he's under (and the last two often a sign of depression in men).

You're also under so much stress with your family situation and my heart goes out to you. I really hope I don't look like I'm trying to excuse his behaviour because I'm not - he's really being out of order. But I just wanted to give you a different perspective than "ZOMG!!! he miust be cheating on you!!" because while men can be rubbish, not all men are rubbish in the same way smile

Sounds like you really need to cut back on what you're doing day to day. Food shopping takes up too much time? Do an online shop instead. To busy with friends? Try to make just one night each (only until things calm down) where you're each out with friends. Make sure that if one of you is out, the other is supporting with childcare/housework. Get him to help out at home so you're not under so much pressure. Keep talking to each other. Tell your husband you understand how stressful his job situation is (even if you're secretly thinking your stress is worse (and I would agree with you btw))

When men are stressed they are rubbish at emotional support. My husband is too. If I need someone and he's stressed, I talk to my friends, family, even Relate instead, and when he's in a better place we'll actually be able to have a conversation about why he was feeling so crap. And even if he's lashed out and said he hates me, when things have calmed down he'll say that's never ever the case. You both need to find some way to connect despite all this stress, to remember you're a team and you need each other, and to somehow get that closeness back.

Hugs to you xx

QueenieLovesEels Sun 11-Nov-12 19:36:33

Nish what a throughly sexist and backward post.

Not all men are useless at supporting their partners when under stress. Not all women are supportive as if by reflex owing to gender.

I think far too many people sell themselves and their needs too short.

I am of the view from what the O.P. said her marriage is over.

That is supportive and honest advice. It offers a way forward to somebody in a crummy situation. Sometimes because people's perspectives are so skewed as they are overwhelmed at that time or programmed by their previous experiences,they need to hear that their situation is not reasonable and they have choices.

It is good to assert yourself.

Mrs3chins Sun 11-Nov-12 21:34:24

Nish I'm really grateful for your post. You've given me a lot to think about and most importantly you've given me a little bit of hope. I thank you for that.

My husband has mentioned a few times that he's at a complete loss at what to do and how to act as he's never been in this situation before and has never even known anyone to have cancer. At the time I thought this was a bit of an excuse but maybe it's not and he genuinely feels lost. He's only 26 and i guess this is a lot to take on as well as his job situation?

NishiNoUsagi Sun 11-Nov-12 21:43:21

Queenie, I personally think assuming someone is having an affair or that their marriage is over because one or both have lost their closeness under stressful conditions is a wee bit sexist and backwards, but let's agree to disagree smile

I do agree with you though, not all men are useless at supporting their partners when under stress, apologies men of the world for writing it like that. I'll try again. Most men I know and have heard about aren't always great at supporting their partners when under stress. Not all. smile

I just wanted to give the op another perspective on his (very prickish) behaviour, but as you'll see in my post I in no way stuck up for him, and I agree with the op completely that he is being a prick. She is going through a horrible stressful situation and she needs and deserves support from him, and he totally needs to pull his finger out and be the support that she needs. I'm just trying to give her another reason why he may be so distant. I don't know him or the op, I have no way to judge if their marriage is over from one post, all I can do is speak from my experience.

When I said up there ^^ that she should tell him she understands he's under stress too, I didn't mean she should forget her own stress and support only him, not at all! It's just a way of getting him to listen, to say look I'm here for you, and I really need you to listen and be here for me too. It could be a good starting point for them to start talking. Hope that makes sense. And op, hope you're ok.

NishiNoUsagi Sun 11-Nov-12 21:52:59

Mrs3chins, we posted at the same time smile I'm so glad it helped, my husband is a complete drama queen not very good with emotions and tends to shut down a lot. When he's stressed he will shut me out, say things he doesn't mean but when he's calmed down we can talk about it, and it's always when he's under pressure from work/life and he doesn't know how to cope. If I'm upset he feels like a failure because he can't fix it. If we don't have enough money he feels like a failure for letting me and the kids down (I never make him feel that way, btw, just his way of thinking) If his job isn't going well he feels like a failure, and he just gets overwhelmed and shuts down. Just that. He doesn't want to leave me, he's not having an affair smile We've worked through so much in the last couple of years, have gone through some really tough times with work, moving abroad, moving back and at first his "moods" we so tough to deal with, but we've talked things through a lot (little by little) and we just get stronger and stronger.

I really hope you can get through to your husband and get him to talk or at least listen, and most importantly supporting you. My husband didn't have a clue how to support me emotionally, I had to tell him what I needed/what helped. Maybe yours need a big kick up the bum too! smile

Actuallylookingok Sun 11-Nov-12 21:53:30

Nish, i think you have some good points and bearing in mind there is a little one involved trying to get through it the best you can is the best option. It wont always be this tough and you both really need each other at the moment.

SnoogyWoo Sun 11-Nov-12 23:36:58

As a bloke myself, Nishi's advice is spot on. Stress just makes us men clam up im afraid. His sole thoughts will be about supporting the family and that will take it out of him. My advice would be to tell him to go for it with the business but also let him know what you need from him.

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