After a long period where the problems in our relationship were getting worse and never being spoken about, DH and I finally had a big blow-up. For about half an hour we were basically going to separate, but DH promised to try and sort his health out so we agreed to a six month timetable to improve by.
The next day he told me that he didn't like the idea of the six month thing, because it implied a deadline, and that if there was a deadline we would leave all the "change for the better" part to the end. His argument was that he wanted things to get better now. I don't think he really gets my side, but we agreed that he wouldn't think about the 6 months, but I could "if I wanted"
Since the argument, DH has changed. Which is good, I know it is. He's more affectionate, makes an effort to not lose his temper with the DC, and just...things have felt more relaxed all around.
And yet I can't stop thinking that something is wrong. It's like this feeling in my gut, churning. Everything DH does, I see the negative. He's being very affectionate - it comes across to me as clingy. He's worrying all the time that I'm going to leave him (our argument wasn't just initiated by me, he threw his ring across the floor again and I just said I had had enough too), I see paranoia instead of fear. He wants to have sex more often after a fairly long dry spell, I envision a lot of him getting tired and asking me to finish off.
I just feel so dishonest. There he is, being really clingy and desperate to make this work, and just...I find myself mentally pulling back, cynically waiting for the new honeymoon period to end, even when I have no evidence to suggest it will. On my old thread, someone mentioned that he sounded EA, and a friend I talk to online said something similar, and now I just can't get that out of my head, even though I never really agreed with that assessment of him. (He has depression, and I am disabled, so some of the more "controlling" aspects are justified since he really does need to know where I am because I could be in danger.) I just find myself waiting for the script to roll out.
And part of me feels that I've made a real effort to do more around the house (which I really wasn't doing before) and he's just being clingy and puppyish and pestering me with affection all the time. He hasn't mentioned seeing the doctors about his depression, and backed down from a "I will do this" to "You'll have to make me do this and I make no guarantees".
Have I been reading too many thread on here and clouded my judgement, or is this really a valid way to feel? I just...I find myself getting more and more detatched from DP the more he desperately seeks reassurance I still love him. I don't want things to just end, but at the same time, a small part of me worries I am just falling out of love with him.
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Relationships
Things are textbook "getting better" - why aren't I happy?
13 replies
Kixicle · 11/11/2012 14:11
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