Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

'You are special' the words I read on DP's email from another woman

(45 Posts)
ILoveToblerone Sun 11-Nov-12 13:04:46

I am in bits and would appreciate advice.

Let's say I had a niggle. My DP had gone out and I had the urge to look at his email on his work phone. I was floored. Email correspondence on his phone to an ex female work colleague. No flirting but he has made arrangements to meet this female on Friday this week coming (his afternoon off), and not told me. He has strayed before.

The content that struck a cord...

'will we meet at same place??' from ex female colleague.
'you are special'' from ex colleague.
'looking forward to seeing you too' from dp.

I'm just floored. I had to leave the house, I left his phone on the dining table where he sits with the email open.

I can't help thinking the worst, surely 'you are special' are not the words used between 2 previous work colleagues'. I just would not say that to a male friend. There was nothing else flirty, but he did reply with a 'x'

I'm thinking nothing has happened but something might!

Am I over reacting. It looks bad to me. I'm seeing red flags. Any advice please would be appreciated.

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sun 11-Nov-12 13:07:24

I don't think you're overreacting.

What things have made you look in the first place?

Do you have children? Is there someone in RL that you can see whilst you gather your thoughts? How long have you been together?

LovelyMarchHare Sun 11-Nov-12 13:08:44

well, I'm sorry to say that it sounds very bad on the face of it, especially if he has form for this sort of thing. I would trust your instinct on this. I would advise that you have a think as to how you would want to take things forward in the event that your worst fears are realised. Good luck and I hope that I am completely wrong.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Nov-12 13:11:20

He's done it before, got away with it and is now doing it again. You can rationalise all you like but I think you know he's having another affair.

SminkoPinko Sun 11-Nov-12 13:12:16

Oh dear. sad Sorry. I agree that it does look very, very bad if he is meeting her on an afternoon off, has not told you and has previously had an affair. Poor you. I hope there's some other explanation but I would feel worried and skeptical in your shoes. Had you made up fully after his last affair?

WhoNickedMyName Sun 11-Nov-12 13:17:54

Someone who had been forgiven for a previous affair and had learned their lessons and would definitely never hurt their partner like that again, wouldn't be having that type of secret correspondence/meet ups (because they have clearly met up at least once before - which you don't/didn't know about) with female ex-colleagues.

Yes, he's having another affair.

Only4theOlympics Sun 11-Nov-12 13:20:22

I think it is all about context. None of those words themselves are damning. I would certainly say it off the cuff to a platonic colleague. However in the context of - he has cheated before. He is meeting her without your knowledge. He has met het before without your knowledge etc I would not be happy.

ILoveToblerone Sun 11-Nov-12 13:30:10

This is purely instinct. I just can't help thinking that if you are a friend that adding the word 'special' makes me think there is more, or she wants more! Am I going overboard here??

The words 'same place' makes it sound like it has happened more than once? I have a ds, but not with him, we bought a house recently together.

ILoveToblerone Sun 11-Nov-12 13:32:13

I insisted he have counselling before we moved forward which he did.

lunar1 Sun 11-Nov-12 13:34:29

Sorry you are going through this. Are you going to confront him?

deste Sun 11-Nov-12 13:41:41

I think I would be following him or get a friend to follow him when he goes to meet her. It doesn't sound good.

FobblyWoof Sun 11-Nov-12 13:58:35

It doesn't sound good OP. The fact that he's done it before and you felt the need to check speaks volumes in itself. I think people can change but if he's keeping things from you then I doubt he has

ItsAFuckingVase Sun 11-Nov-12 13:59:57

I think it would depend on the context of the entire situation. I would say something like that to a male friend. I think very highly of my friends, and have close relationships with some of them. I would also say it tongue in cheek.

But then again, I've not cheated or arranged secret meetings.

ILoveToblerone Sun 11-Nov-12 14:01:14

I was away re work at the weekend and when I got home I thought something didn't feel right... I sound paranoid. I can't even put my finger on it. That was what made me check.

mcmooncup Sun 11-Nov-12 14:05:21

How awful op.
Sounds like he is having an affair.

Them saying "meet at the same place" suggests it has been going on some time.

Are you ok?

Looksgoodingravy Sun 11-Nov-12 14:13:18

I think with him having previous for cheating he should have told you about this meeting, not telling you about it puts the whole 'conversation' (imo) in a different context.

If you confront him now he'll probably deny anything untoward was going to happen, he was just meeting an old friend.

Trust your instincts on this.

ILoveToblerone Sun 11-Nov-12 14:23:48

Thank you all. Can I ask honestly, saying 'will we meet at the same place? ' suggests that they have met up more than once in the same place? If you had met someone once in a place months ago is that what you would say? The only time I know he met her for lunch was 2 months ago just after he changed jobs, and it was with this woman and a male colleague. And I wasn't concerned because he told me.

ILoveToblerone Sun 11-Nov-12 14:30:54

Thank you all. Mcmooncup, you just answered my question...

I'm not in a good place right now. I'm working 43 hrs a week in a demanding job to pay for renovations on our home and if he has not been honest I will feel like I have been kicked in the stomach :-(

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Nov-12 14:34:35

'Same place' is anywhere they've met before. Could be once or more than once.

Looksgoodingravy Sun 11-Nov-12 14:35:26

Imo asking to 'meet at the same place' rather than the name of the place suggests that they've met alone before, unless the place they're meeting was used frequently when they used to work together, also how sure are you that there was a male colleague with them on the previous occasion?

Distrustinggirlnow Sun 11-Nov-12 14:51:16

It doesn't look good IMO OP. So sorry you're going through this and not for the first time either....
I would, forward that email and any others, to yourself.
Then delete from the sent box.
Check his sent box and deleted mails box.
Does he have yahoo, msn or pal talk?
Then put phone back exactly as u found it. You don't want to show your hand yet.
Keep cool. Say you've had a change of plans and would he like yo meet you for lunch on Friday. See what his reaction is.
If he fobs you off then I would follow him. I wish I had done this as I was fed a whole lot of bull shit.
I'm here to hold your hand xx I sadly know what you are feeling xx

Looksgoodingravy Sun 11-Nov-12 14:57:21

Sadly I think Distrusting is right, I think if you confront him now he'll deny deny deny.

ScampiFriesRuleOK Sun 11-Nov-12 15:15:13

So sorry to read your worries OP. I agree it doesn't look good. Had a very similar situation a few years ago but played my hand too early, meaning the ambiguous but highly suspicious texts and behaviour were all rendered useless as proof, because Id not gathered concrete evidence first.

Take Disgustings advice OP, it's very sensible.

Do try and let us know how things pan out.

Best of luck.

AnyFucker Sun 11-Nov-12 15:19:20

A leopard and his spots, eh ?

ILoveToblerone Sun 11-Nov-12 16:24:50

Gravy, I did confront him, long story but he produced a txt from the said male who he had lunch with b4 - I was going out with her and said male colleague he said. I was upset and didn't have my specs on to read it properly! I'm going to lol, or cry in frustration....

Thank you all, no matter what, I don't feel alone!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now