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Is my DH controlling?

(28 Posts)
BonnieBlitheGoodgay Sun 11-Nov-12 11:18:34

I just don't know. I think I need an outsider's perspective because I talk to my mum and her perspective is skewed because my dad is a total control freak.

Anyway here are some examples of things he has done which I think are controlling but he denies are - there are some trivial and some not so much (and some which might be my fault):

- he moved his 20yo daughter and her boyfriend (who we didn't know) into our house without even running it past me

- he invested thousands of pounds into shares which bombed without my knowledge

- he invited his elderly disabled mother to our house when I was one week post natal and then went off to work (I begged him to uninvite her and he refused as it would upset her)

- this is a bit controversial but I feel he decided on my behalf that we would start a family. I wasn't sure. We had used withdrawal method successfully for 8 years and then he failed to withdraw (I didn't know this at the time - god knows how) and I got pregnant and didn't know it. I know contraception is both parties responsibility so I am not sure on this one but I do feel annoyed that he took it upon himself to make this decision without speaking to me.

- he decided what CM our DD would go to (on superficial grounds) and would not listen to me when I said we should shop around. Now she is there and settled and I do like the CM but all he does is moan about her and blame her every time DD gets ill

- he calls me stupid and tells me to shut up all the time

- he invites people on our holidays without asking me first.

- all our friends are 'his' friends from before he met me. I managed to maintain one couple from my side who came to see us in the summer and all he has done is complain about them ever since and say we won't see them again etc.

- this is trivial but he has whatever he wants on tv and rarely thinks to ask me. If he decides there is 'nothing on' he will put on a war film from the hard drive rather than ask me. I've turned a blind eye to this because I don't really care for tv but I think it's symptomatic

- when we are out he is HORRIBLE about other women's appearance, usually their size "look at that fat bitch" etc. This is in front of our DD who is only 1 but will one day be 10. He thinks I am ridiculous when I ask him not to do it

- similarly he makes extremely offensive racist comments and again I have asked him not to do this in front of DD. yesterday I read him a thread on here about a little boy who was excluded for being 'racist' (although in that case he wasn't but anyway) and he replies "if any head teacher has a go at DD for being racist I will go up to the school and punch them". This descended into a row and I gave up in the end.

- I am working full time but I have little choice about what our money is spent on. I got a £800 bonus at work and he took it all to pay his tax, which I suppose is fair enough as tax needs paying, but we both work like dogs and seem to live hand to mouth. This is because we have 2 properties to pay for (the other one was his 'lifelong dream' that he had to have and now he refuses to sell it even though we have 2 kids so we are stuck paying 2 mortgages for a house I don't even want. Yet I have to ask if I can have the heating on and get a load of flack about it when it's on.

I am sorry for the rant, I'm starting to think I'm going mad.

Portofino Sun 11-Nov-12 11:22:21

Does he have ANY redeeming qualities? He sounds quite horrible.

jetsetlil Sun 11-Nov-12 11:23:47

Dear God! He sounds terrible. What on earth are you getting out of this relationship?

Portofino Sun 11-Nov-12 11:24:13

It sounds like he has no respect for you whatsoever. I could not live like this.

Fairenuff Sun 11-Nov-12 11:27:12

Yes he is without doubt controlling.

And a bully.

A terrible role model for a father.

He will damage your dd's self esteem if you stay with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 11-Nov-12 11:29:47

Yes he is controlling and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. He is emotionally and financially controlling you.

You are now also modelling your parents own marriage; you learnt a lot of damaging stuff from them in your own childhood.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what has kept you within such emotional cruelty to date?. You are nothing to this person and he treats you as such. He is neither a good husband or decent father. You do not want your children growing up to think (as you did) that this is in any way a normal role model for them to follow. One generation (i.e you) has been profoundly affected by controlling behaviours, do not let your children suffer that same fate.

ashesgirl Sun 11-Nov-12 11:30:20

Yes horribly controlling. If you look at it, your life is all about what he wants and what he thinks. Your opinions and needs are completely secondary to his.

ashesgirl Sun 11-Nov-12 11:31:06

Yes, do read the Lundy Bancroft book. You'll be amazed at how he fits the pattern.

ashesgirl Sun 11-Nov-12 11:32:02

Also it's very common to doubt yourself if you are in this kind of relationship - 'is it just me over-reacting' etc?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Nov-12 11:32:57

You're not going mad. He's a controlling bully. Treats you like an unpaid servant and it even sounds like he engineered the pregnancy to keep you around and dependent on him. If he did none of the other things a man that 'calls you stupid and tells you to shut up all the time' is not a man that loves you.... that's how you speak to people you hate.

What happens when you stand up to him or have you stopped bothering because, like the TV, you're turning a blind eye to keep the peace? Please check out any of the threads here on 'emotional abuse' because I think you're a victim of it. Sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Nov-12 11:35:58

Is he a lot older than you OP?

AThingInYourLife Sun 11-Nov-12 11:37:53

Wow, he really is a horrible cunt.

He's a racist, he hates women - even if he didn't steal all your money, sabotage your (crap) contraception, and alienate all your friends, you should still leave him.

Conflugenglugen Sun 11-Nov-12 11:39:52

Bonnie - I am sorry that you have reached the stage where you aren't able to see the extent of your DH's controlling, manipulative and violating behaviour. I hope your posting here is a first step in seeing the truth of your situation.

Yes, in a word. He is controlling. And more.

frantic51 Sun 11-Nov-12 11:41:51

LTB! Sorry, don't mean to be flippant but do you need to ask this question? Really? shock

FloralWellies Sun 11-Nov-12 11:41:54

Op,
he sounds truly horrendous.
Please just leave him. You already have two houses, let him go and live in his "Dream house" with his 20yr old DD et al.
Just make sure that you are not liable for any debts from his business and check that the houses are in both your names. You just need a good solicitor and some confidence.

He has obviously isolated you from your friends (classic tactics)

Please confide in your friends who visited in the summer, I'm sure they would have noticed how dreadful he is, unless he was putting on a front for their benefit.

There are no benefits whAtsoever in staying with him

janelikesjam Sun 11-Nov-12 11:53:30

Another do you need to ask? shock

Everything you have mentioned about this person is very abusive, emotionally and financially, and now he is affecting your mental health. You will never win with such a man. Get yourself some good legal advice and support* to help you change your situation. Are you posting because you considering getting out?

*I don't know what support you can get but try to get whatever you need. Your friends, family, GP, counselling, solicitors, Women's Aid. However, it is amazing also what we can do on our own when we put our minds to it.

puds11 Sun 11-Nov-12 12:38:07

He sounds vile. One of the main things that upset me about my abusive Ex (emphasis on EX) was that he always called me stupid. It completely broke my confidence. He also made awful comments about women, including me calling me fat etc. I have come to realize that he is a women hater who thinks that we are just there as a sexual service to him.

I would get rid of this man. His redeeming qualities couldn't out weigh these ones.

NatashaBee Sun 11-Nov-12 12:49:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DragonMamma Sun 11-Nov-12 12:53:59

God, he sounds absolutely vile.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Viviennemary Sun 11-Nov-12 12:59:52

He sounds awful. I don't think I could put up with this. It's not so much controlling as he doesn't even seem to consider the possibility of involving you in any decisions he makes. If you are a couple this is just simply not acceptable. I certainly think you should consider splitting up.

colditz Sun 11-Nov-12 13:01:12

He's an idiot. I can assure you that you deserve better.

dreamingbohemian Sun 11-Nov-12 13:19:23

Good lord. What is stopping you from leaving? Because honestly, it is totally irrational to stay with this twat. He's vile.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 11-Nov-12 15:01:17

All of those behaviours you list are controlling except the racism and sexism, which are "merely" horrible. I don't care if he's a millionaire with a cock of solid gold, your life will be 500% better without him in it.

lovemenot Sun 11-Nov-12 15:05:28

OMG....are you married to my husband? So many similarities bar the two houses and pregnancy one (I think.....actually now that I come to think of it shock ), loves his remote control, lost a load of money on shares, wants his 22yo son to move back in, is a misogynist and a racist, decided to go to law school without any discussion, ended our sex life without any discussion, controls the family money (although I do have my own part time job).

I'm saving my running away fund to get out, I hope you are too xx

pumpkinsweetie Sun 11-Nov-12 15:09:19

Why are you even with him?

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