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I have a history of violence in relationships

(5 Posts)
WarOrse Sat 10-Nov-12 21:01:36

I'm NOT looking for sympathy.

My first relationship with violent both ways, he hit me, I hit him. We were together about 6 years.

My second relationship was non violent however, 2 years in we were arguing and I punched him in the face. It only ever happened the once and he didn't retaliate.

My third relationship involved me, again punching him in the face during an argument in which he called my son names and shouted in my face. We lasted 3 years.

Now I do believe I have changed. I embarked on a new career, made new friends, got myself fit and healthy, I'm happy and confident and was single for quite a while - happily single.

Now I've met someone and he's lovely. He treats me amazingly and is so kind and funny, I just want to be with him all the time. He tells me his ex wife was violent and often punched him during arguments. My response was "oh, that's awful" sad I couldn't bring myself to tell him what I had done in the past.

Now I'm starting to doubt myself. What happens if we have a massive argument? will I snap again?

I feel guilty about hurting him before I've even done it.

Again, I'm NOT looking for sympathy - just offloading I suppose and maybe hoping for some advise?.

I am female btw, my partners have all been male (not that it matters, just wanting to be clear from the start).

Ahardyfool Sat 10-Nov-12 21:08:43

What do YOU think makes you react this way? The only connection I can make from personal experience is maybe you are pushing men away for a reason such as doubting how loveable you are. They love you, you can't quite believe it then hit the self destruct button??

HoolioHallio Sat 10-Nov-12 21:11:50

What work have you done so far to address your violence? Counselling etc?

HissyByName Sat 10-Nov-12 21:14:20

Perhaps in the same way female victims are attracted to violent men, unless they do the work they need to, to protect themselves from those that have a warped need to destroy, dominate and control them, your boyfriend is making the same mistake he made before.

If this person matters to you in any way at all, get yourself help NOW, don't give up until you know its a heinous thing you do. Don't have kids, as you'll potentially blight their lives too.

Do this, fix yourself, for you, for your future, or END it.

You're an abuser. You can change, its your choice to stop.

Stop the abuse for yourself. don't be afraid to be the person that you know you can be.

BertieBotts Sat 10-Nov-12 21:23:08

I think you are going to have to talk about this with him - if only to try and prevent it reoccurring. And be prepared for the fact he might walk away sad

Firstly it's ringing alarm bells at me the fact that you've been violent in the past AND he has history of abuse in relationships - just because people tend to repeat negative patterns in relationships, nobody does so purposefully, of course, but it's telling that someone who has a history of being hit, has attracted/been attracted to someone who has a history of being a hitter. Maybe there's something unconsciously there in either or both of you which could potentially cause the pattern to repeat again, which has attracted you to each other. Evidently, the worst case scenario would be for the pattern to repeat in your relationship.

The other thought that I had is that where abuse is involved, although violence is the most obvious "symptom", if you like, it can be more subtle too. There's no way I can judge from your post what exactly the dynamic was in our previous relationships, but in at least two of them you've described being on the receiving end of abuse too (shouting in your face and calling your son names is abusive). I'm not saying this excuses hitting anyone, but that it might not have been all one way? Similarly, you don't know what happened with your BF's previous relationship either (although I wouldn't jump to any conclusions too quickly.)

I think probably a way forward for both of you, separately or together would be to seek some kind of therapy or counselling. I don't know if something like the freedom programme would be appropriate here? It sounds like that first relationship was very damaging for you, I'm guessing as you say "first relationship", you were quite young and six years is a long time. It could easily have formed a kind of "template" in your mind that lashing out physically when you feel angry or threatened is normal, acceptable, even necessary, and that kind of conditioning is hard to break. I don't know if there is any history of abuse or violence during your childhood at all?

It might be worth going to the counselling first and talking to your BF once you're feeling more open about your issues, but bear in mind that the longer you leave it to speak to him, the more hurt and/or betrayed he might feel that you've kept this information from him knowing his history. Although it might reassure him to see that you're getting help to resolve that first, so I don't know.

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