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Not sure where to start or what to do..

(14 Posts)
MrsRogerSterling Sat 10-Nov-12 20:57:08

Not sure how to start as everything seems such a muddle. Dh left in april saying he needed some space and time alone as he felt very stressed. He had been withdrawn for a while before he left. He has not come home yet. He comes at the weekends to see the girls (ages 5 and 1) but other than talking about the children he doesn't want to converse with me.

He is on anti depressants and has been since August. He works all the time and says he is staying with a work colleague but I don't beleieve him. I think he is staying in a hotel and using a credit card to pay for it, had a letter last week from amex about charges for going over the agreed limit etc.

When I try to talk he always says he doesn't want to talk about it now, not a good time, too tired, stressed or busy. He has cut himself off from friends and family and seems immersed in work. I asked of he wants a divorce and he say no. I rang him tonight and he said he just wants me to carry on with the girls without him as he needs to be alone. I am so confused and feel numb and in limbo. He shows no emotion even though I am upset and crying.

Not sure what I am asking but just needed to get it out.

MerlotforOne Sat 10-Nov-12 21:13:40

I'm sure someone will be along soon who has some experience of this but, in my opinion...

Depression is no excuse for leaving you with all the uncertainty and responsibility and just walking out, especially if he's amassing debt that will count against your marital assets should he finally decide he does want a divorce.

He is supposed to be an adult, a father and a husband, he's left you in the lurch for 7 months now and shows no signs of improvement. He's burying his head in the sand with work and using that as an excuse to not face up.

My advice (easier said than done!)... Get angry, tell him this is not on and if he's going to continue in this vein you want to legally separate (so at least you won't be responsible for his debts) and if he wants to keep his marriage he's going to have to show clear signs of actively seeking help for his problems.

Reading between the lines, it sounds as though he's using the 'depression' as a threat ('if I don't get to do exactly as I like I might do something awful...'). YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS HAPPINESS, that is his problem. You are a person in your own right. You are doing an admirable job holding things together for your children, but this is your life too and this can't carry on forever, can it?

My other thought is something that other regular posters put very eloquently, ' a man rarely leaves a warm bed for a cold one', who is this 'work colleague' h is ostensibly staying with?

boodles Sat 10-Nov-12 21:14:10

I think you need to start moving on. Don't keep yourself on hold forever, it isn't fair on you or your children. I would seek legal advice. Also is the credit card in his name only? If not I would cancel it right away, you should not be liable for his debt.

MrsRogerSterling Sat 10-Nov-12 21:37:55

Credit card is in his name.

I sway between feeling worried for him, he looks broken, lost a lot of weight. To feeling raging anger that he is behaving this way and upsetting me and dd1. Dd2 is only 1 so not aware of whats going on. I then go back to worry and feel bad for being angry as he blames being depressed for his behaviour.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 10-Nov-12 21:45:38

Is he taking care of his appearance? Losing weight can be a sign of an affair I'm afraid, particularly if you are seeing new clothes etc. His behaviour sounds odd - I agree with others who say 'protect yourself & DCs'!

MrsRogerSterling Sat 10-Nov-12 21:49:59

Since he left in april he has lost a lot of weight, gone from long hair/beard to short hair/clean shaven and completely changed his clothing style. I know this all sounds suspicious but I don't think there is another woman. I have asked him and he says not. Why would he not just say as he's not living here anyway?

meditrina Sat 10-Nov-12 21:53:51

Sorry, but there's an obvious reason for that - he wants to have his cake and eat it. Two attentive women, excitement during the week and home comforts at the weekend.

Does he stay over at the weekends, of visit for access both days?

MrsRogerSterling Sat 10-Nov-12 21:55:34

No he does no stay over at weekends.

MerlotforOne Sat 10-Nov-12 21:57:22

Yes, he may be depressed, but ffs SEVEN MONTHS! Believe me, if he was truly addressing the depression, with proper medical help, he'd be at least more self-aware by now.

Depression is no excuse for leaving you and the DCs in the lurch for this long. No-one can help him if he won't reach out. If I were you (and if you still want to after this long) I'd let him know that if he wants to come home, see his GP, get a sick note and sort out his meds and/or some counselling, you will be there to help him get through this TOGETHER, AS A FAMILY, which is how this marriage lark is supposed to work. If he won't/can't do that, then for the sake of your own sanity and the welfare of your children, you need to separate and move on. What he chooses to do is NOT your responsibility, but at least you'll know you gave him options.

Also, my understanding is that even if the card is in his name, I you are married you will both be responsible for the resulting debt up to the point that you legally separate.

This can't go on forever. Whilst you are doing this because you are worried and caring, you are in fact enabling his selfish behaviour at the moment. This is NOT a normal part of depressive illness.

MerlotforOne Sat 10-Nov-12 22:00:07


Sounding more suspicious by the minute.... He's not alone in this is he? He's just lying to keep his options open.

bringupthebabies Sat 10-Nov-12 22:25:36

Merlot the credit cards didn't work out like that for me - all my cc debt sadly was mine sad

How do you feel now OP? Have had enough and would issue an ultimatum to bring the limbo to a close?

Or do you want him back? Or to divorce?

If I were you I'd concentrate on how you feel and proceed on that. I don't think you can or should wait any longer for him to decide what he wants to do.

MrsRogerSterling Sat 10-Nov-12 22:37:06

What I would like is for everything and everyone to go back to how it used to be. I know that is a very naive way of looking at things. I am scared of being a single parent, I know I have done it for 7 months but it my mind that has been a temporary thing. I sound so pathetic but I just don't want to be on my own, at the same time I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Just very confused.

I know what you have all said makes a lot of sense and am going to give it some serious thought this week before he comes back next weekend. If he won't talk to me about how we are going to move forward then I think I will have to get mad and give him some options.

MerlotforOne Sat 10-Nov-12 22:44:44

You're not pathetic, you're very strong to be holding it together.

The thought of being alone is scary, yes, but how long are you willing to let this go on? 8 months? A year? Five years? He doesn't seem to be able or willing to move things forward, so sadly it looks as though that job will fall to you as well.

A serious talk followed by getting mad if he brushes you off again sounds like an excellent plan!

Sorry to hear about your credit card situation, bringupthebabies sad

skyebluesapphire Sat 10-Nov-12 23:35:00

I am sorry, but due to my own experience, it sounds like your husband has "checked out emotionally" as it was put to me. You cant make it right because he doesnt want to make it right. Maybe he is just waiting for you to pull the plug so that he can then blame you for the split....

IF there is somebody else and you do need to keep an open mind about that..... then his behaviour would fit with that. my STBXH did the same, new wardrobe, trips to the gym, cold towards me..... however, he could be depressed...

If he wont talk to you (my ex wouldnt to me) then there is not much that you can do to solve your problems. If its been going on for 7 months, then it will continue for another seven unless you do something about it.

You need to decide what you want and what you need. I have been a single mum since Easter and we are getting by OK. My DD loves me and knows that I am always there for her. Its not easy, but it gets easier each day

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