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I'm not sure why I did this

(14 Posts)
Ahardyfool Sat 10-Nov-12 20:51:32

I have had a dreadful week. DS excluded from school for being 'involved' in a theft, which led to me resigning from work so I can parent him more effectively. Great upset all round, as I struggle to be all things to all people as it is anyway.

I feel as though I've lost my purpose and by Tuesday began to feel what I can only describe as depressed.

I have a partner but he doesn't live with us in the financial sense as he won't rent out his house until October next year when his DS goes to Uni and then plan was to ferry his youngest DS to where I live each week and then we'd live as a family properly.

DP been massively supportive this week in the face of an emotionally devoid me. He left on Fri to see his sons.

I then texted him to say I couldn't do 'us' and everything that has happened this week. I have no money as of next week, no job and a DS who needs sorting out massively it seems. My other 4 Dc are distressed by all that has happened. I also drove into the back of somebody after the meeting at school and then found out Thursday I have to have a biopsy on a potential facial tumour.

I think I sent the text because I was overwhelmed and feel a failure but do warned me not to push him away (he is aware I have a tendency to do this under pressure).

I don't want to lose my DP at all but I spoke to him today and he is furious, thinks I am a horrible ungrateful person who doesn't appreciate how much he has stuck by him (he has been amazing and my rock).

I realise to him it seemed like ingratitude but I'm not ungrateful. I don't know what I was thinking, which sounds a bit potty but I felt like a hideous failure by Friday and this was somehow related to my stupidity.

Anyway, DP has found alternative mon to fri accommodation and doesn't want to speak to me. He is staying with his father tonight and has switched off phone.

I'm beside myself. I have several failed relationships behind me and he is the only man I've felt I really love for all the right reasons.

What on earth do I do? Can I even do anything?

Ahardyfool Sat 10-Nov-12 22:01:40

Sorry, I now realise my post is too epic for replies. A hopeful nudge anyhow.

foolonthehill Sat 10-Nov-12 22:06:00

All you can do is tell him the above with lots of apologies and hope and pray that is enough for him. personally I would write and take it round without trying to see him to talk. Give him the space to process your apology.

And I am very very sorry that your life has contained such trouble. Take time to breathe and make sure that you have made the right decisions for you as well as everyone else. you cannot parent if you don't look after yourself a bit too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 22:06:50

Time to start repairing some of those burned bridges, I think. Is it too late to get your job back? Explain that you've been depressed and acted too hastily? Your DS is presumably at school all day so the amount of active 'parenting' you can do is limited. They all get in trouble from time to time and few people are better parents when they're worrying about money, I find. If your DP knows you tend to overreact when under stress, would a big apology help there as well? He does sound as though he's been supportive.

You probably need to talk to your GP about everything, see if there's any treatment or counselling they could recommend to help with the stress, any advice they can give about the . Another time, when bad news strikes, could you count to 100 before doing anything rash? Give yourself more time to think things through?

Whatnowffs Sat 10-Nov-12 22:14:03

Do you always react so quickly? Has this been coming for a while with your son? Do you have to resign? really? then you send the text to your DP. Its like you are trying to punish yourself for everything that is going on? It sounds like just the thing i would do actually.

Maybe take this weekend to think things through - think about what you want to do and what you need to do. Can you support your son without giving up work as i really don't think this is a good idea. Can you get any support from the school etc? Is it that your son has got in with a bad crowd? Is his father still around, can he help or is he part of the problem?

I'd just give your DP space this weekend, send him a text/email explaining why you reacted as you did, apologise and hope tht he can see past it, if he doesn't then you haven't lost anything in all honesty. If he loves you he will come round.

Ahardyfool Sat 10-Nov-12 22:14:17

I can keep apologising. I think that's all I can do. I pretty much meant what I said at the time. I just couldn't see a way out of everything. Life is just one hurdle after another And each situation feels like a catch 22. I can now collect DCs from school which will help, but we can't afford the house...

School are now happy but that is only half the story. I have struggled so much to get where we are.

Doubtful re. Job. Half our floor were made redundant last week and work is really pressured, hence me struggling to be a good enough parent and employee. Can try I guess but then parenting suffers.

I know DP really loved me, but maybe not this much. I don't think he believes I love him.

Thank you.

wewereherefirst Sat 10-Nov-12 22:21:20

OP, I know where you're coming from I think, you want to distance DP from the shit that's happening and while you mean it at that moment, you don't mean it long term.

You've got so much to deal with at the moment, it's no wonder you're overwhelmed by it all, firstly, go to the job centre first thingoon Monday and get everything in place there, money coming in and a roof over your head is important.

Give your DP some time to think, maybe send one message to the effect of 'Im sorry I've been an arse/whatever, could we meet for coffee to talk please?' and leave it at that.

Virtual hugs x

Ahardyfool Sat 10-Nov-12 22:22:59

Son is 11. He lied about his involvement but we actually don't believe he stole. He was with a boy who has a few 'issues'.

My DS has his own troubles too as he is made to feel very inadequate by his father. He has an excellent relationship with paternal GPs though, as do I. This seems to be the root of his behavioural difficulties - very low self esteem covered by bravado and silliness. This silliness is tipping into dangerous territory.

My work hours meant they had to walk to meet me after clubs and so they are left to their own devices each day for his short time. There's always something, Dd calls me at work to say DS is t sticking to the plans or rules. I just snapped. I can't do it all so I handed in resignation letter.

Other Dc have a childminder.

I love DP so very much.

Ahardyfool Sun 11-Nov-12 10:40:39

I've just read a brilliant reply on another relationships thread by letsgomaths. I think I have a real fear of abandonment and I tend to try and pre-empt what I believe is inevitable when I feel I am failing.

What I'd like to know is whether, given I've always been honest about my reactions, I should expect any more understanding from DP?

I think it's asking a lot but I thought he understood my difficulties and was maybe able to support me through them.

Ahardyfool Sun 11-Nov-12 10:42:43

I've just read a brilliant reply on another relationships thread by letsgomaths. I think I have a real fear of abandonment and I tend to try and pre-empt what I believe is inevitable when I feel I am failing.

What I'd like to know is whether, given I've always been honest about my reactions, I should expect any more understanding from DP?

I think it's asking a lot but I thought he understood my difficulties and was maybe able to support me through them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 11-Nov-12 10:55:54

I'm so sorry that you're going through a horrendous time at the moment, OP. I think that 'pre-emptive strike' comment is perceptive. You took the action you did as you believed, deep down, that it was coming anyway.

What I find quite telling is that you refer to 'we' in terms of believing that your son didn't steal, ie. that your partner also has a view/role in being a family member. Do you really feel that he IS or do you just want him to be and by inclusion, make it more real somehow?

I think the priority is to sort out your immediate living arrangements, ie. what you'll do for money and day to day parenting issues. You haven't failed, you're doing the best that you can with what you have. Do you have family who can help and support you right now? Don't rely on your partner coming back - take whatever support you can get from other sources. I think that it's sometimes tempting to look to partners for support, letting them fulfil the 'knight in shining armour' role, when they're not willing to do that.

Yes, you need to apologise - do it once, do it generously and then leave it. What sort of apology would be enough for YOU were the situation reversed? Don't be over-effusive - if he does love you then a heartfelt apology will be enough. I get the feeling that you're placing heavy emphasis on your behaviour to excuse his reticence.

I hope his cold feet warm up or that he has the decency to tell you straight out what your relationship is.

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 10:56:35

I think there is only so much a partner can take from a person who is emotionally fragile, without being nasty he may have reached his limit and decided he doesn't want to put work into progressing the relationship any further.

Don't make your feelings about yourself dependent on what you do in a relationship. Try and focus on sorting out your own feelings rather than apologising to DP and saying something terrible like "you know I'm like this, I told you I was" or something that means that in effect. If you make yourself strong and happy he will be more likely to want to come back I think than if you beg and apologise.

Ahardyfool Sun 11-Nov-12 11:13:39

Absolutely I must sort out the immediate, though it is proving very hard in the face of such loss. I'm struggling to function through the aftermath of this week. I've been through a lot so part of me thinks 'I know I can do this' and another part 'how many times must I pick myself up and carry on?'

I do see DP as part of our lives, wholly and commitedly. He took youngest DS to start school this week as the meeting at secondary school meant I couldn't get there in time, and has been involved in family discussions about what has happened, etc. He has also shown great love for the children and me. However, what has happened forces me to question how fat that commitment goes.

If roles were reversed I think I'd be offering space and not taking this as personal rejection . I think I would understand. But he is a man and I am a woman, and he is who he is and I who I am so perhaps that's immaterial.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 11-Nov-12 11:23:16

Well you know that you MUST pick yourself up and carry on. You have children who depend on you. You also know who around, in your immediate circle, you can depend on for some help and support. I wouldn't waste time and energy on trying to get your partner to rally.

He may well love you and the children, but he's also left you when you need him most. Yes, your behaviour wasn't nice but you must have been at the end of your tether with all the worry. I think that sometimes we lash out to let people know that we need their support, as a way of letting them know we need them. You did that - and his response was to walk away in a fairly non-temporary knd of way.

The fact that you're a woman and he's a man isn't really relevant - the fact that you would give him more space and understanding without flouncing off, is. In your place, I would leave him to it. You have other more important things to focus on and he knows that you need him. Why isn't he there? His love and commitment seems to be rather flimsy when the chips are down.

Do you have family/friends who can help you, OP?

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