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To feel it's all so hopeless

(23 Posts)
Slinkysista Sat 10-Nov-12 19:33:42

I am having a hard time, I really need to talk to someone and thought there's no better place to get some good solid valuable advice.
My dad died several months ago, I'd just had a baby a few weeks before he died. My pregnancy was very straightforward but so sad and stressful because my lovely daddy was ill. I have a really awkward relationship with my mum, she's very cold and was very cold, emotionally and at time physically abusive to us when we were growing up, my dad worked away but knew what she was like. She was horrible to him even when he was I'll, wouldn't attend appointments with him if they were too early in the morning, wouldn't let him have blood transfusions at home just in case the neighbours saw, that's just two random examples, She's very strange.
She doesn't have any close friends or sisters and since dad died it's all really fallen on us to look after her. She's not physically I'll and looks fantastic for her age ( just including that because I don't want anyone to think she's an old decrepit lady, far from it).
We've long suspected that she suffers from manic depression, everything she talks above is negative, people are horrible, the worlds an evil place etc, she seems to thrive on confrontation which is really hard as I would go to the ends of the earth to avoid it.
Anyway she's really laying the guilt On Us at the minute, she's lonely and she's nothing to live for. The result of this is that I'm constantly stresse, have put on three stone in six months, am really sad and down.
Has anyone any experience of dealing with someone like this?
Sorry it's so long but I really am trying to condense everything, I could write a book about her to be honest. Sorry for any typos, I'm on the phone and nursing the baby.

keriatthetate Sat 10-Nov-12 19:41:03

I hope this gets better for you soon,

It is tough you are not getting to just enjoy being a mum,I'm sure she if thinking clearly would not want you to be bearing this stress,

Is your mum totally against getting help, would she consider counselling?

If this is becoming too much for you, you may have to think about limited contact, until she admits there is a problem.

What does she say when you tell her you are worried about her mental state, does she admit she is depressed?

Teabagtights Sat 10-Nov-12 19:44:59

She has to find her own way in part. She is an adult and responsible for herself. You aren't her keeper and she shouldn't expect you to put her needs above that of your own family.

Concentrate on yourself and your new baby. Try to be busy when she calls. Make time for her when it suits you not when she beckons.

Learn that you aren't responsible for her.

MyGoldenNotebook Sat 10-Nov-12 19:47:20

I don't have any direct experience of what you describe but didn't want to leave your sad post unanswered. It seems to me that you need to distance yourself emotionally (if not physically)from her in order to protect yourself. She has been hurting you for a long time and only you can put a stop to it. Perhaps you could seek counseling to help you do this? I suggest this as I appreciate that you may feel unable to simply eject her from your life ... though few would blame you. I take it that she doesn't receive any help / support from her GP for the depression?

I believe there is a support thread on the relationships board for those who have suffered abuse. You may receive some much needed support there.

You have your own family, your own beautiful baby now and you come first xx

Slinkysista Sat 10-Nov-12 19:50:00

Thanks for your reply, the thing is she's blind to our grief and how we are feeling. She says the most heartbreaking things such as we just let daddy go, we didn't fight for him to get the right treatment, believe me my sisters and I were always pushing the doctors to do more and got him two second opinions, it was all just too late.
She's always just said whatever she wants, never considers the effect her words might have.
She just ignores me when I say she needs to chat to the doctor and have counselling:-( I just can't go on like this, I'm in a constant state of stress

Slinkysista Sat 10-Nov-12 19:52:56

Thank you Golden, she has been hurting me all my life but yet I cannot abandon her! It's a mess.

Thanks everyone, it helps to hear other people's perspective on this

maddening Sat 10-Nov-12 19:54:01

Tell her you can't keep helping her if she doesn't go to the GP and get counseling.

midseasonsale Sat 10-Nov-12 19:56:07

I think she needs to get help from the GP/tablets. Can you get her there to talk about how she is coping.

lovebunny Sat 10-Nov-12 19:57:07

you need counselling, urgently, to be able to cope with this. as your baby is so young, you might be able to access help through mother and baby services at your local hospital. if not, go through your gp. you need help soon.

your weight gain might not have anything to do with your mum. it isn't unusual for new mums to gain weight - you aren't doing all the things you used to do and you're alone a lot more. and i for one used to get extremely hungry when breastfeeding in the early months. it will sort itself out later, or you can think about it after you are through this patch.

counselling will help you work out for yourself how much you can give to your mum and where you have to draw the line. she is taking more than you can give.

MamaMumra Sat 10-Nov-12 20:06:16

counselling will help you work out for yourself how much you can give to your mum and where you have to draw the line. she is taking more than you can give.

This must be so exhausting and distressing for you. It's good that you've recognised that this is unhealthy and hurting you.
Counselling will help establish boundaries - good luck though.

urbandaisy Sat 10-Nov-12 20:08:10

I'm so, so sorry about you losing your dad. How awful.

Your mother sounds exactly like my grandmother, who is a narcissistic bully. My mother has said many times over the years that she wished she'd stopped contact years ago but the guilt was too much. These days, she won't let my grandfather (aged 90) have the home help he needs to keep living at home as she doesn't like strangers in her house, and because she doesn't like to be near illness. She's a charmer.

Interestingly, as my mum toughened up over the years, my grandmother treated her better. A bit of distance really seemed to help - after a row or a particularly nasty comment from my grandmother, my mum wouldn't be guilted into apologising - she just waited for my grandmother to make the next move. As time went in I think my grandmother got worried that mum would call her bluff and so actually is a tiny bit nicer.

She's still a pretty awful human being, but from my mum's perspective it's bearable as mum's in control. Could you bear to just pull back a bit? Wait for her to call sometimes, and when she says spiteful and hurtful things, don't give her the reaction she craves. Just say, calmly but firmly, that you have a different recollection of what happened / you don't agree with her characterisation of the situation but it's clear you're not going to agree on this so there's no pint discussing it further. Repeat until you're blue in the face.

So sorry you're dealing with this.

bringbacksideburns Sat 10-Nov-12 20:38:18

Firstly, i'm sorry for the loss of your dad. To cope with that when you have just had a baby must be so hard - no wonder you feel low. Maybe you should start concentrating on yourself and your own health and your little family.

You say you are constantly stressed. I think maybe yourself or your dh should speak to her, tell her to go to the doctors as you cannot deal with the pressure she is putting on you. You say she has always been like this. Does she show an interest in her grandchild?

Definitely think it's time to distance yourself. Do not be available so much. Get your calls screened. She has no friends for a reason i think, sadly.

applefalls Sat 10-Nov-12 20:44:45

* she has been hurting me all my life but yet I cannot abandon her! It's a mess.*

It's not abandoning her, it's accepting that she will never be the mother you need, you're never going to change her and you will go mad trying, you have your own little family now and that MUST be where your energy goes or you will resent her even more for taking away focus from these precious days you'll never get back.

Let her be; get some help yourself tp start detaching and please believe that you are not responsible for her.

You also know exactly the sort of mother you will never be yourself, so that's positive. Good luck, enjoy your baby.

MyUmbrageIsSafeInMyKnickers Sat 10-Nov-12 20:45:57

I think you should do nothing for her at this present moment in time.
I'm so sorry that you have lost your Dad, and I'm so sorry that she made a very bad time worse for you.
As you say she is not old and decrepit. Walk away physically and emotionally.
Do it for a short time (at first) .. 1 week.
See how you feel after that week, give yourself a break.

bringbacksideburns Sat 10-Nov-12 20:53:46

Interestingly, to echo urbandaisy, my relationship with my, at times, quite difficult, mother improved dramatically after she upset me with some comments when my first child was six months old and i didn't speak to her for over three months and had no contact with her. She didn't apologise as such, but she did realise she had crossed the line and we now get on quite well on the whole, after years of having to hold my tongue when in the same room as her.

It's the 'but we took you to stately homes' thread that you might find useful.

Slinkysista Sat 10-Nov-12 20:53:53

Thank you so so much, you've no idea how much it means to me to hear your opinions.

juedanlil Sat 10-Nov-12 20:55:38

Hi there , my mum is manic depressive , well new name is bipolar!she sounds just the same. It's not just depression its a personality disorder . Ups and downs.
Don't know if it help but over the years I have learnt to take everything she says with a pinch of salt and not take it to heart it is hard cause she says such shocking things but I know its an illness and sum times she can be nice , and I feel she doesn't remember things she says . X

Eurostar Sat 10-Nov-12 21:03:04

Sounds like a really difficult time for you. Do think about accessing some bereavement support, your GP should know what is available in your area and also, as mentioned above, anything that your HV can refer you to.

There are dozens of threads in the relationships topics with "stately homes" in the title about emotionally abusive parents - posters should be able to help you there.

Not sure why you think it is manic depression? Does she have periods of being elated as well?

MyUmbrageIsSafeInMyKnickers Sat 10-Nov-12 21:25:15

All that you need to know at this present time is that she is doing you no favours.
You are not her mother.
But you are the Mother of your baby.
Please draw a line and promise yourself no contact for a week. Draw a line in the sand and notify her. EMail her/late night voice mail. And stick to it.

I wish I had easy answers; I'm in my 50's and I have danced to my Mother's drum for more years than I care to remember. I now realise that I can't change it (her behaviour); but I can control my response to it.

lovelyladuree Sat 10-Nov-12 22:01:10

I am so sorry you lost your Dad. Your post could have been written by me. I have written about my mother before and she sounds exactly the same as yours. When my Dad died 7 years ago, I washed my hands of her, and my sister, who was a carbon copy of her. We exchanged the occasional texts and cards but I wouldn't let her see my DC for fear of her infecting them with her poison. I know she slagged me off to anyone who would listen, but I was past caring. I was living a peaceful family life at last. Then, early this year, a policeman turned up and told me she had died in her armchair. My sister had stolen all of her money and fucked off two years earlier. I sorted the house out, paid for her funeral and walked away. Good fucking riddance. Good luck to you. Do the right thing for you and your family.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 10-Nov-12 22:40:22

Hello there
I am so sorry to read this - do let us know if you would like us to move this to our relationships topic

Slinkysista Sat 10-Nov-12 22:52:46

Yes please do Olivia,

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 10-Nov-12 23:26:13

Done for you - hope that you can get some support here and in RL.

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