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pregnant, boyfriend has run a mile

(51 Posts)
purplebee Sat 10-Nov-12 18:26:01

I'm in early stages of pregancy with a 6 year old. My (previously) lovely boyfriend begged me to have an abortion, when I would not, told me to 'chose' between him and the baby. I chose the baby. He now has rejected the whole situation and doesn't want to be named on the birth certificate. Can I force him to awknowledge his child? I will have one child with a doting father and one child with none. I don't know how to expalin the situation to either child and am already worried about impact it will have on my unborn child being rejected by it's father.

Advice especially from anyone who has similar experience welcome!

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Nov-12 19:19:06

Were you both using birth control, OP? Was he aware you might get pregnant? Does he have other children?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 19:38:33

I have a friend who was in a similar situation before her DD was born. Clean pair of heels from the father (who even demanded DNA tests to prove the child was his) and who has never met or acknowledged the DD in the 14 years since. He does pay maintenance, however. What the girl got instead was a doting mother and grandmother and, in time, siblings and a stepfather. She's a lovely girl that seems very well-adjusted. I think, because no-one's ever hidden the truth from her, she's been quite happy with the family she's got and has not been over curious about 'Dad'.

SanctuaryMoon Sat 10-Nov-12 19:41:14

I haven't got any advice but I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Hopefully others will be along with some help x

purplebee Sat 10-Nov-12 19:48:57

My ex is a sweet man but so adamant he doesn't want involvement. He is much younger than me and although he knows I didn't get pregnant on purpose (without going into detail, he thought he was infertile) he is mad at me for not taking his age into account (mid 20's) and getting an abortion. My son misses him as he was brilliant with him. The relationship was lovely, the best I've had, until this happened. I don't want him back, but I can't understand how he can reject his own child. When I say this to him he says I am emotionally blackmailing him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 19:58:37

For you it's already a child because it's part of you, your body is changing and it's therefore very real. You also have another child so you've been here before. For him - and you say it's early days of the pregnancy - there's nothing to feel, see or experience and it's far easier to reject something if you can pretend it's not really happening. 'Denial'. Pretty pathetic reaction from a grown man nevertheless... Plenty of people are parents in their mid twenties.

queenofthepirates Sat 10-Nov-12 19:59:03

First off, bloomin' big hugs to you for making a difficult choice, for what it's worth, I think you've made the right one. Some men some how seem to forget that a side effect of a bit of slap and tickle can be a baby, however careful you are.

As for the impact of a child being rejected by its father, well it's always going to be tricky to judge. The best you can do is to be mindful and loving (as I'm sure you will be). I asked several male friends to try and be a good role model for my DD (who's father is a similar rotter) and they are being great superstars. I don't think you can do much more than that.

A friend of mine writes stories for children to explain in an age appropriate way, the circumstances surrounding their birth, when you might find it tricky to find the words. Something like this, written by you or with help, might gently introduce the subject.

If your love is endless and your patience can stretch, you will all be fine.

PS, do look after yourself too, in these kind of situations there's a lot of talk about poor fatherless child and not enough about poor pregnant mummy who might just need a big hug and a shoulder. xxx

ZZZenAgain Sat 10-Nov-12 20:05:23

You'll always be the dc's mother, who knows how long you would have been his girlfriend?

I hope your dc will not feel rejected but the dc is bound to wonder and ask who the father is and where he is.

Maybe he will still come round, early days yet and he is still coming to terms with the whole idea

addictedtolatte Sat 10-Nov-12 20:13:19

my ex left me 5 months pregnant with 4 year old ds. 18 months on everything is going well for us. my dcs have a doting extended family which is working for them. my ds is thriving at school and showing no signs of being effected. good luck op youve made the right choice. your dc will be fine with just you

seaofyou Sat 10-Nov-12 20:37:02

Your new born baby only needs one loving parent to thrive. No you can't make him engage with his dc, though maintenance is a separate issue which legally df has duty but easy to run away from.

It is better a child in a happy environment growing up with one parent than have another there with a grudge or revenge.

I understand a little as because my ex left me when I was pregnant. He never wanted DS and wanted me to have abortion and I choose my unborn baby too.

My DS doesn't ask why he doesn't he see his df because the few times DS saw his df, DS was hurt by him so is scared of the evil pig but DS does ask can he have a new good daddy...now that can be easier rearranged than asking for a df that doesn't want to know a dc engage in a relationship.

izzyizin Sat 10-Nov-12 20:37:15

How much younger than you is the manchild? It seems to me that you've both been irresponsible immature about contraception and are reaping what you've jointly sown.

You cannot force him to acknowledge his offspring and, as you are not married to him, you cannot name him as the father on your child's birth certificate without him being present at the Registry Office on the day you choose to register the birth.

However, the fact you can't name him on the birth certificate without his attendance/consent does not preclude him being required to pay child support via the CSA if necessary, albeit that he may seek a DNA test to establish paternity.

mentlejen Sat 10-Nov-12 21:11:27

Izzyizin, not strictly true re the birth certificate, although still not easy to register him without his consent:
https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

Registering means he's indisputably liable for maintenance but also gives him parental responsibility, so is something to seriously think about.

One of the best arguments I've ever heard for registering someone in his position is that of the child's rights. Him being on the birth certificate may enable your child to look for him when s/he is an adult, without being reliant on your memory or support to start a search.

Good luck, OP. You never know, he may change over time but it doesn't sound like you should count on it...

purplebee Sat 10-Nov-12 21:15:11

Thank you so much for intelligent, sensitive replies-except for the one from izzyizin ! Whoa there with the judgement lady! I don't think you read my second post. As for his age, there is eight years between us and I really don't think 25 is a 'manchild'. Also I don't regard my pregnancy as 'reaping what I sew' I see it as a blessing. If I ever want someone to bark in my face I'll come straight to you smile

avenueone Sat 10-Nov-12 21:46:20

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you OP - it happened to me too. I didn't have any other children.
On a totally different point sort of... think ahead.... if he does keep away for now but were after years to come back...
Keep a record of all your attempts to engage him in your unborn child's life from now - keep a diary of all contact, prints outs of texts and emails. Sounds a pain but you may need it...
When the CSA caught up with my ex years after my son was born he then started to paint a very different picture of how things were and almost suggested he had only just found out he had a child all these years later. Whilst for CSA purposes this doesn't really matter - if my DS was to hear this it could cause real problems. Luckily I did keep enough to show him for what he is.
Good luck with everything.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 10-Nov-12 22:31:43

Hey purplebee, I don't think Izzy's post is out of order even if it isn't what you want to hear. It's all very well to talk about 'judgements', nobody's judging you - you have to deal with all of this - but it was up to you and your partner, you both made this happen. I do feel sorry for children who aren't wanted by one parent or other, there seem to be so many and whatever is said about only needing one parent, TWO is better. That's my view anyway and it seems to be yours too otherwise you wouldn't be lamenting the lack of your ex's involvement.

Circumstances can happen to anybody but the consequences aren't always unavoidable.

purplebee Sat 10-Nov-12 22:47:34

Really lyingWitch? asking me how much younger he is than me and calling him 'manchild' isn't a judgement? saying i've been irresponsible isn't either? If you read responses other than your own and izzy's you'll see how mature and kind most people on here are. I did ask that I'd especially like to hear from people who have had similar experiences so plese don't post if you just want to sneer. ps. Don't 'feel sorry' for my child. your pity is unwanted.

SirBoobAlot Sat 10-Nov-12 22:53:46

I think she meant "manchild" because he has acted in a selfish, childish way, OP, not because of his age.

FWIW exP wanted me to have a termination, I refused, we stayed together, but split longer down the line, and he still resents me for continuing with the pregnancy.

DS and I are very happy. I think that as hard as this is right now (and he is being a dick about it, how dare he treat you like this?!), you will find that down the line you will be fine.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 10-Nov-12 22:55:58

Can I be really nosey and ask why he thought he was infertile?

olgaga Sat 10-Nov-12 22:58:36

This is interesting - why did he think he was infertile? Perhaps he doesn't believe the baby is his?

Either way he wasn't expecting to become a dad, so it's hardly surprising he hasn't taken it well. You are already a mum and so you are clearly geared up for it in a way he can't be if this wasn't planned.

You'll have a hard job getting his name on the birth certificate if he doesn't want to acknowledge his fatherhood.

Looking ahead, you need to be realistic. Whether or not he acknowledges that the baby is his, or wants to (or is even in a position to) pay maintenance, your ex may well decide one day (if he ever grows up and perhaps has his own family) that he would like to begin a relationship with his first child. That might be nice - or fraught with difficulty. It might involve contact arrangements which may or may not suit you, or your child - to whom the father (by the sound of it) is likely to be a stranger.

There are plenty of people who post here who have endless worry and angst about contact arrangements with ex's which seem to be more about vengeance or "getting their money's worth" than being a dad. Contact during which the child is actually cared for by their current squeeze, or a family member. Is that what you want? Or would you rather just have a clean break and give your baby one secure, stable home.

You know who the child's father is, so what does it matter whether he is on the birth certificate or not? Your knowledge will allow the child to trace his or her father if they wish to when they are older in any event.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 10-Nov-12 23:01:17

I think you are your ex partner were both careless - and selfish, OP. It's not about who's responsible for this and who should be 'stepping up', it's about deciding to have a child - or not caring enough not to have one - without the other person's willingness to be involved.

It's up to you, you're the one who has to deal with the outfall. I think that life is hard enough for a child - and for the parent also - to manage with just one parent. I'm not sneering at you, I'm giving an opinion - on a public chatboard. If you only want back slaps then I'm sorry. I never have understood the posters who denigrate the erant male partner but completely excuse the female's role in safeguarding support for her children.

CleopatrasAsp Sat 10-Nov-12 23:02:06

Purplebee, really sorry to hear about your situation. With regard to the term 'manchild' it is generally used on Mumsnet to identify someone's behaviour, not their age. No-one is criticising you for having a relationship with a younger man as far as I can see, they are criticising your ex for behaving like a child when he is a man.

purplebee Sat 10-Nov-12 23:10:42

thank you cleopatra, I'm brand new to mumset and didn't know that. LyingWitch...save it for Take A Break.

queenofthepirates Sat 10-Nov-12 23:26:01

Really LyingWitch, that's unnecessary and not appropriate. You are right that this is a public chat board but the OP is pregnant, alone and worried enough to seek advice here. Let's not put her off by name calling. You weren't there and don't know either of them and hence your judgement is based on scant information and the gaps you've filled in.

This is a place for safety and support and you should really take your opinions somewhere they are being asked for. That's not here as the OP has made clear and I fully support her.

Jellykat Sat 10-Nov-12 23:29:05

purplebee. i've been in your position and chose DS1 over XP. His 'dad' wasn't on birth certificate, and we've never had a penny maintenance.

DS1 is now nearly 24, and i can tell you he's a happy well balanced man. We've talked a lot over the years about his dad, and the situation has never perturbed him.

If i were you i'd walk away, and leave your XP to it. Things may change in years to come, but if not, deal with things when they arise.
For now concentrate on you and your DC, you're obviously a great mum, i promise you that will be enough.

ledkr Sat 10-Nov-12 23:41:41

Fuck me there's some sanctimonious crap on this thread. Op is a grown woman fgs she doesn't need a lecture on bloody contraception ehich btw is too late and irrelevant to the op as she is choosing selflessly to raise thus baby alone.
The fact he is younger is also irrelevant my dh is younger than me and is an amazing father and ds was 18 when his gf fell pg and is also an outstanding dad to his son.
An arse hole is an arse hole regardless of age.

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