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I don't need to feel guilty about ending a relationship like this do I?

(9 Posts)
LadyGuilty Sat 10-Nov-12 17:56:54

2 years out of a marriage I met an older man. 12 years older than me, so I felt slightly self-conscious telling my parents how old he was, and felt a little be awkward that my friends would think well of him. Anyway, he was charming, good humoured, generous, thoughtful and a thoroughly decent guy. The first time I met him though he told me he would never get married again. I shrugged. I didn't even think I would go out with him at that point! Anyway, although I've enjoyed this relationship it's never felt like more than a sorbet as The Guardian would say. So, because I didn't want 11 months to roll in to a year, then two years, I ended it. Quite suddenly from his pov. I know he's confused and upset, and that makes me feel bad. But then I feel a bit annoyed that I have to feel guilty about ending a relationship that he told me the day I met him would never lead to marriage. The truth is I wouldn't marry him if he asked because I think he's just that bit too old for me. I never minded his age because I never worried about what things would be like a year from now or ten years from now. I just enjoyed it right now. But I don't want to marry him and he doesn't want to marry me. I do want a serious relationship. He knew that from day one as well. In fact as a response to his telling me he would never marry again, I said "well I will". So we have both known this all along. So why do I feel so bad now. I'm getting sad little texts telling me what we were doing this time last week. I feel awful. He claims he doesn't understand why we've split up. Another thing, although he would have met my child if I'd insisted on it, he really was very unenthusiastic about the idea of meeting my child. He is a great father to his own nearly grown up children and had no inclination to start all over again with a young child. I understand that. But he has to understand that I can't keep a man secret indefinitely. That is not reasonable is it?

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Nov-12 18:00:01

You've done the right thing. How dare he think you'll just keep hanging on and not go for what it is you really want? How dare he be unenthusiastic about your child?

Bloody nerve of the man!

When he texts saying what you were doing last week, text back with what you'll be doing next week. Without him.

44SoStartingOver Sat 10-Nov-12 18:04:40

Sounds like you have done exactly the right thing.

You dated and had some fun while it lasted, but what suited you both for a while, but no longer suits you.

LadyGuilty Sat 10-Nov-12 18:04:43

I wouldn't want to be unkind to him. He doesn't deserve that at all. He really is a very nice man. He just ......... wants a serious relationship that isn't serious. Unlike him, I listened to what he told me. That's because I read on mumsnet that you should listen to what men tell you. If you are listening they will tell you what you need to know.

I guess he's another one of those men who wants a monogomous serious relationship with no commitment. I think there are a lot of them.

HissyByName Sat 10-Nov-12 18:07:05

Hear! Hear! smile

LadyGuilty Sat 10-Nov-12 18:07:07

yES that's it in a nutshell. The dating and the excitement was lovely to begin with. But it's lost momentum. And I have none of the benefits of a more serious relationship like being able to go out as a fake little family. Does that sound really pathetic. I would occasionally like to do 'family' things like go to the zoo, that's just an example. I wouldn't drag a man with adult children to the zoo every week, but I long to do that sort of thing just once in a while. And I am a mother, and I feel like my son and I are a family. And it just began to feel too compartmentalised.

HissyByName Sat 10-Nov-12 18:08:03

That was to IB's awesome post btw!

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Nov-12 19:37:28

Thanks Hissy!

tribpot Sat 10-Nov-12 19:48:07

As long as you think you were clear about your reasons for ending it, you have nothing to feel guilty about. God only knows what his texts are in aid of, but it's not your job to help him pick himself up from the break-up. If he has no mates willing to listen to maudlin 'this time last week we were in Waitrose and so happy' malarkey, he needs to rent the Sex and the City box set.

There's nothing wrong in him wanting a long-term-but-casual relationship, I can see the attraction of that myself! (Er, except am married). But as this is not compatible with what you want, you have simply acknowledged that your relationship with him has run its course. Neither of you could realistically have known what the relationship would be like after one year - so you gave it a try, both being fairly open about what you thought your long-term intentions would be. You're looking for someone who wants to be part of your family life. He doesn't want that. So: no harm no foul.

If he doesn't see that, it's probably because he doesn't want to see it. He needs to stop texting you.

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