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Are there any women here who feel ...

(27 Posts)
Bubblenut Sat 10-Nov-12 15:37:13

... They wear the trousers in the household?

Is that how you wanted it to be?

MrsWolowitz Sat 10-Nov-12 15:40:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scrumpkin Sat 10-Nov-12 15:41:19

I think we wear one leg each. Wouldn't have it any other way, either if us smile

Sometimes when one if us feels more strongly about something we might take over iyswim but other than that.....

Marrow Sat 10-Nov-12 15:41:57

I definitely do in terms of dealing with finances, activities, booking holidays, dealing with children and booking people in for jobs around the house. However I am SAHM and Dh is the one that brings the money in.

Sometimes I wish that DH would take control of things more but he works long hours in a pressured job so just wants to relax and not have to make any decisions at home.

VerySmallSqueak Sat 10-Nov-12 15:48:19

If you asked him he'd say he does.
But,actually I do wink

lizziebach Sat 10-Nov-12 15:50:36

I do and it drives me mad because Dh just goes out and buys things without any thought for if we actually have them money etc because in the five years I've been with him he's never actually once checked the balance of the joint account, not once. He also had no idea how much money he had going in and out each month when I met him which was why he was in debt. He says he's laid back but to be honest at times it feels more like he's lazy. So I wear the trousers but reluctantly

fluffyraggies Sat 10-Nov-12 15:55:49

I did with XH and i hated it tbh.

With my DH now it's almost one leg each, with his leg a little bit longer than mine grin

And i like it better this way.

PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort Sat 10-Nov-12 16:03:10

I would say it depends on what it is. Dh makes sure all the bill are paid. I look after savings and holiday money etc. But it requires us to work together.
dh does all our supermarket shooing because he does all the cooking. I do the washing and ironing.
We have our 'jobs' within the house but try to work together as well. He might help me with ironing if I have been working alot and got behind. I might go to the supermarket on the way home and cook, because he is busy. Iyswim.

GrandPoohBah Sat 10-Nov-12 16:07:02

No, it's completely equal and I love it.

I've had relationships before where I've had to do all the decision making and it made me lose my respect for them for not having an opinion on anything.

Bubblenut Sat 10-Nov-12 16:43:09

^ I think that is what is happening to me - I'm losing all respect for him because I feel like I'm looking after him.

I never once expected to be looked after completely as I'm a very independent person but I feel... And this will sound odd ... But if we were mugged, I'd have to protect him.

I want to feel protected

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 10-Nov-12 16:46:20

I do.

I do all finances, organising and decision making.

Sometimes i wish i didn't have to as i feel like it's a lot a of responsibility.

Dh works very long hours though so it's easier this way and on the whole it works very well.

FermezLaBouche Sat 10-Nov-12 16:47:51

I do - but then I'm the only person in my household.

I like the fact I know exactly what's going on, finances-wise, etc. But sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to share the workload (and bills!) with.
Not what you were asking, I realise! Sorry

Trills Sat 10-Nov-12 16:48:10

I'd say we are reasonably equal.

What do you mean by "wear the trousers"?

"If we were mugged" is a very specific scenario and only addresses one aspect (physical largeness/strongness/aggressiveness) of a person.

Signet2012 Sat 10-Nov-12 17:13:26

We joke I wear the trousers when he is out smile

Seriously we are pretty equal. I have more say over money because I'm more aware of the bills. Generally speaking though we make decisions together

FobblyWoof Sat 10-Nov-12 17:54:12

We both say that I wear the trousers but not in a controlling way iyswim? I'm the organiser and idea maker, but we discuss pretty much everything. It works for us. He was kind of in charge at the beginning of the relationship because I was happy to take a back seat but it just didn't work grin

Chottie Sat 10-Nov-12 17:56:54

We share the running of our household and discuss all big purchases. We've always had a joint account since we married and we trust each other regarding finances.

redrighthand Sat 10-Nov-12 18:02:18

I do and it's annoying. Especially as I'm the one who works six day weeks without even time to make a phone call most days.

SageYourOracle Sat 10-Nov-12 18:20:37

This thread is really interesting.

I work 3 days per week in a pretty all-consuming job. My DH lost his job when I was pregnant then found a short term contract which is now almost finished so he will be around a bit more until he finds more work.I mostly wear the trousers but, whilst I'm a natural organiser and things run smoothly, I actually find this quite exhausting and a bit overwhelming.

DH does most of the shopping, cooking and ironing. I do the laundry, hoovering, dusting and bathroom and we're 50/50 on childcare so a pretty good team but I actually think, since DD was born, we've entered into a struggle - almost a power struggle- where DH wants to take charge but is too slow, IMO. He just doesn't have the sense of urgency over anything - sorting a will out, for example- that I have. I just feel there are too many 'big' tasks that are my responsibility. I do think its partly my fault as when he does something he often doesn't finish off or is late eg not setting up a direct debit for something from his own account so incurring a late payment charge. It drives me nuts but, instead of letting him just get on with things, I tend to nag and criticise- not helpful!

So, in answer to your second question, this isn't how I wanted it to be but I don't know how to change it!

SageYourOracle Sat 10-Nov-12 18:23:56

Sorry- reading back I look a bit lazy but should've said that I deal with all the financial stuff, DIY, organising 'big stuff'! And, when when DH is in work, he's not the sort to take with home whereas I will end up having to do a fair bit as that's the nature of my job!

HalfSpamHalfBrisket Sat 10-Nov-12 18:36:58

Me. I do holidays, cars, big purchases, utilities, DIY etc etc.
DP does the lions share of cooking, cleaning and laundry (basically all the bits I'd pay someone to come in and do for me if I was single).
It may not be the most conventional of set-ups but it works for us.

Bubblenut - What does he 'bring to the party', so to speak, to make your life better than if you were single? If you are responsible for the financial and other decision making AND the domestic stuff it's no wonder you are feeling disillusioned.

Bubblenut Sat 10-Nov-12 20:02:00

He pulls his weight massively with the cleaning and child care but I'm trying to work out if my feeling are my own problem or I'm justified.

He works hard and we both have full time jobs but its the 'looked after' feeling. He isn't very proactive or ambitious. If a problem comes up it would be me sorting it. If we were attacked I'd probably protect him!

He is easy going and laid back which is a great quality to have but I'm also feeling its a big negative.

I know I can be a control freak but I feel he inputs into nothing socially and very limited in our relationship - no dinners out, no little surprises, nothing to make me feel special ... I'm wondering if that's exactly my issue - should I have these things or am I living in a hero fantasy land!!!!

I'm also finding it hard to be attracted to him right now too - he has put on a lot of weight and sometimes his personly hygiene is seriously lacking - should I be thinking he should be putting in a bit of effort or is this normal married life????

Bubblenut Sat 10-Nov-12 20:03:02

What does he bring to te party?

He is relaxed and easy going. He can be good company. I do love him

Bubblenut Sat 10-Nov-12 20:04:51

Just to clarify the 'hero' bit! I'm not looking for a superman! I've always been te strong one with friends, sorting problems and looking after others needs and issues - I want to have the feeling of being looked after and made to feel great!

I desperately want to be proud of my husband

LivesInJeans Sat 10-Nov-12 20:19:22

Is it about wearing the trousers or giving him a mother?

I ask because in my experience managing finances, admin and family organisation is a task and merely an illusion of wearing the trousers. Even more so if the trouser 'wearer' is responsible for budgeting and the 'child' spends without responsibility

Signet2012 Sat 10-Nov-12 20:24:45

My dp is very laid back. I've often joked if we ever got attacked I'd turn round and he would of legged it.

Last Christmas yobs kicked over my wheels bin after a few incidents leading up to it which included a glass bottle being flung at my head as I left with the dog. Dp went out and I saw a side to him I didn't know existed. He was surrounded by five lads. He told me very sternly to get inside and challenged the ring leader who shit himself when he realised how big dp having only ever seen him in the car they all backed down and dp came back in.

My point is don't assume he doesn't have any balls, it may just take a lot to set him off.

Dp often says to me he isn't lazy he is just slower than me, meaning I've normally averted disaster before he has even opened his eyes. Perhaps this is the case?

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