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How do you move on when someone cuts you out from their life

(19 Posts)
anotherglass Sat 10-Nov-12 13:23:48

Was in a passionate relationship for 8 months which ended quite quickly. We had lots of fun, really enjoyed eachothers company and I thought we were getting closer, but it all folded when I asked some serious questions about his commitment to me.
Since the break-up 8 weeks ago, he has effectively cut me out of his life. I've texted a few times to see how he is. He replies but does not ask any questions about me. Effectively a polite but passive brush out.
I am struggling to move on as I don't understand how someone can switch to being brutal and ejecting a person from their life like that. I am struggling to switch off my feelings, even though I know I should.
How do you get beyond this hurt and move on?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 13:43:27

The best way to move on is to get up in the morning and decide to move on. Place one foot in front of the other, keep yourself very busy, spend time with people you like and make you feel good, and don't allow yourself much time to dwell on the past and keep obsessing. It may have been an intense relationship with a future on your part but it's quite clear, from his reaction, that it was a casual fling on his. He was probably just after some no-strings sex.

So follow his example... Detach as best you can, no more texts, no more wondering. Relish your independence, do things to boost your confidence and treat every day as an opportunity to leave the old flame a bit further behind.

Seabird72 Sat 10-Nov-12 13:45:12

all I can suggest is that you try and keep busy with your family life and friends - he's obviously not prepared to go for the long haul - probably nothing to do with you personally but his own fear of commitment which would apply to anyone at this time in his life. You obviously reached a stage where you needed something more from this point. I think by his reaction it would be best to keep busy and try to find someone else - don't be tempted to tell yourself that you can continue as you were just to keep him around. There was another thread earlier this week about someone who has been strung along with the promise of marriage for years - don't end up in that situation. Look for someone who wants the same thing as you. It may take some time but it's better than letting someone string you along. Good luck.

suburbophobe Sat 10-Nov-12 13:48:04

You can move on by being thankful that you are not going to spend the rest of your life with such a cold calculating man.

anotherglass Sat 10-Nov-12 13:51:19

Thanks for your messages. I had been doing well but today seem to have slipped right back. I have never been cut out of someone's life like this before. It really hurts. And I am angry. I need to shift this anger somehow.

Dryjuice25 Sat 10-Nov-12 14:04:17

Think yourself lucky your weren't strung alone any further than you were, literally wasting your precious life on some idiot who thinks nothing of you. Thank your stars for the revelation and take time to be happy with yourself and then move on.

Stop texting him. You're just torturing yourself, he cares not and to him you're now just a nuisance.I also hate unwelcome texts.

Think from his point of view re possible motives for this relationship to start with. He hates commitment. It's nothing to do with you. It's now time for self preservation. He is not worth it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 14:31:09

"And I am angry. I need to shift this anger somehow."

Shift it outwards... at him rather than at yourself. Yes, it's a pisser when you're shat on from a great height by someone who you thought liked you... pride well and truly dented.... but it's their problem, not anything wrong with you.

So turn your anger outwards, place the blame fairly and squarely on your dick-head ex's shoulders and then take advantage of the surge of energy it gives you to do something physically satisfying.

Xales Sat 10-Nov-12 14:37:52

I don't think he has done anything wrong.

He liked you, he enjoyed spending time with you the same as you did him. You asked some questions about future commitment. He doesn't want that with you, was honest and has ended the relationship.

If he answered your texts, asked questions, got happily chatting to you he may give you the impression that there was hope when there isn't.

He is making it clear that he did not want a serious committed relationship with you. All you can do is accept that and move on.

pictish Sat 10-Nov-12 14:45:29

I agree with xales there - I don't think he's done anything wrong either. Anyone is entitled to end a relationship they no longer wish to be in,and the best way is to precisely that. Which he has.

OP - I'm sorry you feel so bereft - in the long run though, it is better you are free to meet someone who wants the same thing from a relationship as you do x

anotherglass Sat 10-Nov-12 14:57:38

Xales, not your faullt but you don't know the full facts. Believe me he is a cowardly arsehole, but a charismatic one at that.
I had sent him a letter a week after the break-up setting out that I didn't understand what had happened and how I felt misled by him. He didn't bother replying. That's it.
Of course you can change your mind, but to just dump someone so brutally and move on is really terribly cold-hearted. It wasn't just about sex, which we only had a few times in 8 months. We were, I thought, pretty good buddies and had a lot of laughs.
Most of the time I am able to put this into perspective but days like this the pain, confusion and anger about being cut out just gets overwhelming. I want closure on this and that is by knowing answers to those questions I asked him, which I he won't give me. I know there's little point in running down a dead end. I know. Believe me I want to leave this all behind but I feel emotionally vandalised.

Wingedharpy Sat 10-Nov-12 15:13:03

Actions speak louder than words anotherglass.
He's answering your questions with his actions (or lack of).
It hurts but you will get over this in time.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 15:46:02

The trouble with requiring answers, unfortunately, is that you open yourself up to all kinds of crap. There is no good answer to 'why are you dumping me?'. If he's a gentleman you will get 'it didn't work out' or 'we wanted different things' which I don't think you'll find satisfying.... or.... if he's a bastard, you'll get a great long list of all your faults, real or imagined, that will then haunt you for the rest of your natural rather than provide 'closure' in any meaningful way.

So much better to attribute it to cowardice in the face of commitment, blame him fairly and squarely, reassure yourself that you are marvellous in every detail... and then move right along

Anniegetyourgun Sat 10-Nov-12 15:55:21

Occasionally posters come on here to say they've dumped someone who is now asking what he did wrong and they don't know what to say. The usual response, with which I wholeheartedly agree, is not to get into that discussion as it doesn't really help anyone and just prolongs the pain. This guy may be a thoughtless, self-centred coward but he may just be sensibly declining to drag things out.

Best way to get over him: cold turkey! Rip off that plaster. He's out of your life, well, so be it. It hurts, but not as much as a little trickle of contact that keeps the memories fresh.

HellonHeels Sat 10-Nov-12 16:01:16

Things will get better. Don't contact him any more. It's clear it's over.

What sort of things did you do before you met him? Exercise? hobbies? friends? Get back into them, call your friends, get out and do things.

anotherglass Sat 10-Nov-12 16:56:36

Thanks for your good advice ladies. You are all right. I need to move on. Sometimes you just need to stop looking for answers when they are staring you in the face. I have just deleted his number and texts and planned a day of exercise and cooking for tomorrow. Glad when all this shit is over. x

SHine0ncrazydiamond Sat 10-Nov-12 17:13:52

Agree with Xales.

This is more about your own self respect than anything else. Yes, it's a total fucker but he exercised his right to end a relationship. You need to stop any texts/letters/emails, gather up your dignity and move on.

I know it's hard but there really is no other option.

Couragedoesntroar Sat 10-Nov-12 17:32:56

OP I'm sorry it hurts so much. No wonder. I had that happen and it's agony, but it will ease. One step at a time. I found it horrid to be trapped with feelings I couldn't shake, knowing they weren't reciprocated. But it eases over time and you will feel better again I promise. But it is a bereavement you need to nurture yourself thro the shock.

ashesgirl Sat 10-Nov-12 20:17:07

Glad you've decided to move on. He has been polite but distant. You did break up many weeks ago and many people tend to break off contact at that point.

It must be very painful but I don't see you have any other option but to stop contacting him now.

hygienequeen Sat 10-Nov-12 20:29:46

Was going to say delete his number, but just saw you have laready done it - good ! Now spend some time getting to like doing things you like again (that don't involve him) and find someone who is worth it xx

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