Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
17 years of another woman(85 Posts)
This is going to be long but please, please stay with me. I need to give the full history or opinions might be skewed. I want to add that I dont stay in the UK or US so dont have any form of benefits, healthcare, etc. i have carried this alone for 17 years and this is the first time I have mentioned anything to anyone. Please, if you have 10 minues to read. Please help me.
I was 16 when I fell pregnant and married my boyfriend of 2 years on my 17th birthday. I had my 1st DS 6 months later. To my horror, I fell pregnant again when DS was 6 months old. We were poor, I had no support and was living in a one bedroom flat (there is no public transport here). Ds2 was born. 18 months later, on boxing day, my then husbands Mum friend called me to tell me that her and my DH were having an affair and were in love and he wanted to leave me. Divorce went through same month as my 21st. It was a dreadful time and all I did was try keep my head above water. Literally work, home, work, home.
A year later I met my present husband. I had known him through a school friends brother when we were at school. He was (i thought, according to my limited knowledge at the time) stable, level headed and a nice guy. We moved in together and bought a house within 6 months. We got married 18 months later. He had a couple friend (the friends brother and his wife) who we had seen for lunch once from the time I met him till we got married. 1 week after we were married they came round. I was not keen on them. he seemed very pushy and quite flirtatious. She was also very flirty. 1 week later, DH asks me if I would be keen on trying swinging. I was terrified. Now here is where it gets odd. It was completely against who I am but for fear of loss, wanting to fit in, etc, I said I was worried but would try it. That night we go round to this couples house, he goes into the office with the husband, comes out and everything is a go. A quick few tequilas the husband and me are on the floor and my DH and hus wife are in the room. I just couldnt do anything and neither could her husband. It just didnt work and nothing happened. I did get to sit and listen to my DH and his wife shagging loudly for a few hours (it was a tiny flat). Words cannot describe how I felt. All I recall was the carpenters playing in the cd in the car on the way home. Next thing I remember, I was sitting on the shower floor with the water on very hot and scrubbing myself while sobbing. DH was shouting at me that I was a big girl and went into this with my eyes open. The next morning, I had the other couple on the phone telling how how immature I was being, how childish I was behaving and how all 3 of them were fine and dealt with it like mature adults. They are all older than me by 4 and 5 years and none had kids. I didnt want to be seen as the child. I didnt want to bee the odd one out. They decided the only reason I was reacting like this was because I had not had sex with the husband and that was the solution. They were coming round that night and just him and I were going to try. I dont know why I didnt stop it. No faith that I could be right and them wrong perhaps? I am giving the history because I hope someone else can see things I cant. They came round that night. Him and I spent an hour in bed and nothing happened. It just didnt work. I was awkward, sad, scared and wondering what my DH was doing with his wife in the lounge. We gave it up. They all decided the best thing was if the next time, we just fondled and had sex with our partners in the lounge together and take it from there. We try this and I hate it. I feel dirty. I make it clear to DH again that I dont like it (as if my reaction the first night wasnt clear enough nor me telling him I just cant do this). It doesnt stop. By this time we are seeing this couple ever week and they are now our best friends. I dont know why I didnt put my foot down. I was young, weak, scared, trying to fit in. I dont know. The final straw was they were there, everyone was drinking, I knew what was going to happen so I pretended to be very drunk and went to bed. The next thing the 3 of them get into our bed and start touching and carrying on. I say nooo, and pretend Im so drunk, I am sleeping. They dont stop. I was not entered as I pretended to be asleep but was used (or I feel I was). When I raised it with DH he told me I humiliated him because he had to come on the sheets.
Please understand that if you met my DH you would think he is the softest natured man. He is not. This is only aspect of our life drama.
The last time anything happened, DH's brother was included. I literally sat on a couch while DH's brother and her husband shagged the wife on my lounge floor. DH didnt have sex with her but sat and watched. She fell pregant and had to have an abortion as they didnt know who the father was. everything stopped and I was very, very grateful. A few months later DH tells me that he had fingeried her in my kitchen during one of their "none sexual" visits.
She was by this stage supposed to be my "best friend". By this stage she was my only friend. A few years later, I think its all in the past and I find logs of a message from my DH to her of a sexual nature and her response to him. Clearly there is still feelings. They also sat at my table and played footsy under the table while I was watching I did not want them in my life, I just could not live with the constant worry. Seeing how they were with eachother, etc. I felt betrayed by everyone and just wanted to get away from the "sickness".
With my morals and values all confused and feeling so "different" and unacceptable, I did something stupid. I Had a 3 month affair with a man from work. It was stupid and selfish and I couldnt live with myself and so told DH. He flipped (understandably) I am not going to even try and excuse what I did and feel absolutely awful about it. I lost the moral high ground and had to give up work, etc. this continues to this day.
In the meantime, he has ensured that she has stayed in our lives for the next 15 years. She was the part time bookkeeper in our company, still comes round to visit. DH knows how I feel and we have fought about her constantly. DH acknowledges that he has feelings for her but only apparently because he has known her since before even me. It has been soul destroying for me. I am not as thin, qualified, well dressed, etc as she is. I know this. I have always felt like second prize. Last year we did a share swop with another company and to my absolute relief, we got new bookkeepers in. When I tell you DH and I fought monthly about her for 17 years, I am not exagerating. It changed who I am. Because of my affair 13 years ago, he feels I am worse than him because he has not done anything behind my back but I did to him (maybe rightfully) The fingering and dirty messages dont count.. The last time he slept with her was 4 years ago when she told me that my DH was her soul mate.
Now my problem is, he is now getting quite friendly with her DH again which means after only a few short months of not having that sick feeling constantly, she will be back in my life again. Its like I am just not enough. He says he has the right to be friends with whoever he wants and Im just being a bitch. Its my worst nightmare to be house friends with them the way we were.
We are sitting today where he has told me that because I cant forgive and cant let go, he is surprised I am not riddled with cancer. Its been 17 years of feeling like I was less, not a part of the friendship group, less in general, second best. He has said he cant deal with my controlling behaviour and my permanent anger and that we should get divorced. He says I am insane and have a mental disorder because I cant just let it go. why cant he understand my pain and frustration? is it because Im being silly like he says? why cant I let it go.
Please tell me if I am being stupid or a hypocrite. Should I just give up and head for divorce.
To be quite honest, I had not really thought about the fact that I can leave. Sounds silly but I just have not thought about life outside my marriage.
cogito has said everything that I would want to - I have nothing to add expect my voice to the others to reassure you that this is not your fault, you are a victim of an appauling and abusive man and you need to escape from the life is has trapped you into having.
Take your sons and leave him or he will continue to destroy your self esteem, your sanity and your health. Seek help - it is out there.
Wishing you much strength - look ahead, hold your head high, know you are worth so much more.
Yes you CAN leave. It's your life. YOURS. You can do whatever the hell you want. No-one needs to give you permission. Not him, not anyone.
What is the domestic violence support like in NZ?
What a pig your husband is. No, I shall take that back, a slur against pigs.
I would not hesitate to start looking at divorce.
Are you able to tell us which country you are in?
Well done for posting though OP, that's a huge and very brave step. You are strong enough to leave if that's what you want to do.
You're still young enough to turn your life around and find happiness. We're all rooting for you.
Sorry OP see you are in S Africa.
I am so sorry. Your husband has been abusing you for years. You must find th strength to leave. Can your sons help you? The eldest must be an adult now.
Don't ask... tell him to move out. He's the one saying that he's going to divorce you so grab the opportunity with both hands and tell him to go. If he refuses to go then you could maybe take a look at this police link "http://www.saps.gov.za/crime_prevention/women/domestic_violence.htm ZA Domestic Violence advice link]] There are some ideas on what you can do if you are being abused including applying for a protection order.
Also, get some legal advice. Find a solicitor that specialises in Family Law because, as a wife, you have certain rights over marital assets. That includes property, companies, income, pensions.... Do you have a friend you can talk to IRL? You may find although you think he comes across as a nice guy, others regard him as creepy.
Thank you for the links Cogito. I will go and have a look
In your heart of hearts you know that this is not the life you want to lead, nor has it been for a long time. Your husband is mentally and physically abusing you and this has caused you to become confused and disorientated - you are NOT crazy...what you are feeling is the clash between the part of you that knows the relationships is all wrong and the part of you that wants to deny that.
It's your life. You can lead it how ever you want. You deserve to be happy and to be able to make your own choices, and it it never too late to take that. You do not have to ask for that - you just take it....it is yours.
It can be a scary feeling, the thought of big changes such as leaving or getting him to leave. It can be hard work to achieve but it would be SO worth it - the sense of freedom, the massive weight that would be lifted off your shoulders, the space to learn about yourself and what you want out of life. You can have all that. Start making plans now...small concrete steps.
You deserve more than the life you have with this man. You can have more. Wishing you all the very best.
Jesus Christ! What a horrendous story. No, you are not stupid or a hypocrite, but you're going to need to start standing up for yourself and realising that your h is an abusive bully.
There is a better life out there for you. Start thinking and dreaming about how you would like to live it.
Pack your stuff and go to your sister.
Get a divorce.
This is not a marriage so you don't need to stay with him.
I have never been on my own. Im so scared.
www.famsa.org.za/domesticviolence.asp there is some SA information on domestic abuse on thes link.
I am going to go and do a bit of research and will be back.
I feel for you and for the first time ever (no really!) leave, just find a way and go.
keep going lovely lady. There will be some help.
Of course it's scary, it's a big step. But you need to focus on what you would gain by doing that.
There is a lot to be said for being on your own, I am, and it's really not that scary in reality once you get used to it. It's actually pretty fantastic.
I completely agree with everyone else - it would be perfectly alright to divorce him. You will be alright because you'll have to be, and therefore you will.
What he has put you thro is completely unaccaptable and wrong. There is nothing wrong with you at all. Tell him he is a complete prick and you don't love or trust him and you don't care what he says, this life is not for you and you don't care what he thinks about that.
It may be the last thing you are thinking of, but somewhere there is a lovely gorgeous man for you and he does not want to make you have group sxe and call you names if you will not.
Its perfectly alright to leave this man. Start thinking of a way. I will be watching out for your posts. xxx
Being on your own is great. It is not scary at all.
The absence of abuse and presence of simple love are amazing and you will soon be feeling a lot better and completely seeing the wood for the trees x
please believe in yourself! You are not silly or mad or uptight or immature.
Your husband is a dick
I am so pleased you have taken the hugely brave step of posting on here. You will get so much help, support and advice.
It would seem that he abuses you in every and any way he chooses: emotionally, financially, physically and sexually.
I really feel for you and I hope this thread helps give you the strength to end your marriage to this awful, abusive man.
Thank you foolon and everyone. I am going to speak to him when he gets back and tell him I agree with him on the divorce. I have no doubt he will laugh it off and do his normal ignore me until I just pretend everything is fine and carry on. He can go without speaking to me for weeks until I relent and pretend nothing happened when I cant take the silence anymore.
I will get a number for an attorney and see if one of my boys can take me up.
I am so worried that I have a weak moment. I am going to avoid him until Monday.
Any time you have a weak moment, post on here. It helps, I promise you
I just want to give you a massive hug. You have had 17 years of hell with this man. I think you probably need lots of tlc.
It can, and will, get better.
Good, do that, but why not also ask him to pack a bag and go, at least for a while?
I really don't like the insinuation that you will be on the back foot here. Fuck him sneering at you.
If he won't leave, can you afford a night somewhere in a b&b? Sit alone and think. You can now create the woman you want to be, and bring out YOUR standards, like loyalty and decency and all the dormant things you would like to do and be in life. Doesn't matter that you're X years old, women start anew many times in their lives xxx Fuck him.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.