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Last straw? Really desperate for a voice of reason

(22 Posts)
karen1961 Sat 10-Nov-12 09:48:05

After 24 years of marriage, the imminenet death of my father in law seems to be bringing things to a head unfortunately. My husband is disabled and has to take morphine and other drugs for constant pain. We heard last week that my father in law was dying, so my husband and brother in law flew to be with him. Our son who is 14 and I were not allowed to go with him, although I dearly wanted to. Not ony did I want to say goodbye to my father in law, I wanted to be there to support my husband obviously. I have hardly heard from my husband, getting information via our daughter. His ex wife daily visits the hospital, I keep asking to be allowed over and I keep getting told no, to stay here. My mother in law even said for me not to go back, she didnt want anymore people there at the house it wasnt a social gathering. I feel lonely, rejected, unloved and at my whits end because this seems to be the last straw for me. I have had 10 years of wondering what my husband is going to say and do to me next. He is very verbal when he has a bad mood swing, says constantly he is not sure about our marriage, doesnt trust me, scoffs at me when I say I love him, and has in the past year hit me twice and thrown me across the room during arguments. I have put up with it because of his disablility. He never used to be like this before the morphine and other drugs. Is it time to call an end to this

tallwivglasses Sat 10-Nov-12 09:53:55

Yes it is. You are your own voice of reason. How awful that you've had to put up with his abuse - and now his family are seemingly ignoring you. Use this time while he's away to extricate yourself from this relationship.

karen1961 Sat 10-Nov-12 10:03:20

Thank you, I doubted my judgement at the moment and thought I was being unreasonable.

Seabird72 Sat 10-Nov-12 13:49:43

If you can get out you should but be prepared to feel guilty even though you shouldn't. People who don't know what you've had to endure will be judgemental because he's disabled and they'll blame the drugs and of course his father's dying, but you need to be strong and think of yourself. You've put too much time and effort into this already (probably for the sake of your children) but they're old enough to know that this isn't the right way to be treated by your husband or his family.

HissyByName Sat 10-Nov-12 14:01:39

Walk away from the lot of them.

You'll never regret it.

SufferingLampreys Sat 10-Nov-12 14:03:24

If you read your post as someone else what would you tell them to do?

Xales Sat 10-Nov-12 14:30:12

He is very verbal when he has a bad mood swing, says constantly he is not sure about our marriage, doesnt trust me, scoffs at me when I say I love him, and has in the past year hit me twice and thrown me across the room during arguments.

This is enough for you to leave him with out being treated like shit on their shoes by him and the rest of the family when you can't even go to see a dying man you have know 20+ years. That they say to you this isn't a social occasion show how little they think of you and your feeling that they consider you would think/feel this.

He is not disabled enough that he can't hit you or throw you across a room.

Being in pain does not make him an abusive arsehole. Being an abusive arsehole makes him an abusive arsehole.

Get out and don't look back.

PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort Sat 10-Nov-12 14:44:06

I am the first to encourage posters to try and give a little thought to their partners medical issues. but really you need to go.
While i think we should support our partners in 'sickness and in health' it should not mean putting yourself though hell and physical danger.

You need to leave and the fact that he is away makes now the perfect time to put things in place. Difficult i know with both fathers being ill.

With regards to why you are not allowed to visit your fil, what reasons did your husband give you not to go with him in the first place and why is his ex wife so welcome?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 15:49:35

I make it a rule of life to be with people that love me and respect me, not people that hate me. Suggest you do the same. Disability is no excuse whatsoever for ill treatment. In-laws that don't 'allow' you to travel simply do not see you as part of their family.

Suggest you contact a solicitor and start making an exit plan.

FobblyWoof Sat 10-Nov-12 18:08:26

You do not have to put up with it because of his disability. My brother is disabled- it doesn't make him a prick. Is that your husbands excuse for his behaviour?

You are one hundred percent not being unreasonable here. Anyone deserves better than this, and you sound like a lovely person. I think you need to really think about whether you and your children are better off without him.

wannaBe Sat 10-Nov-12 18:13:00

hitting you twice and throwing you across a room would have been the last straw for me.

Now is a good time for you to get out while he's not there to try and stop you.

Asamumnonsense Sat 10-Nov-12 18:19:41

After 24 years in their lives, that family doesn't respect or love you enough to treat you decently. You shouldn't put up with your husband's behaviour, not for love not for his disability. You seem so unhappy and rejected.. Go and get yourself a new lease of life. You deserve it for being so supportive, patient and understand to a man who doesn't deserve it.
Now it is time to think about you!

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Nov-12 19:21:15

Oh, OP, nobody should be treated like that by anyone. Can you imagine what a relief it would be to live without him? He sounds really horrible and you've been a saint staying with him throughout it all, but you have to look after yourself now and get away from him.

While he's away, start planning.

karen1961 Sun 11-Nov-12 08:08:16

Thank you so much for the advice and supportive words. You are all right in what you say, I know what everyone will say about me in his family, kick a man when he's down when his father has just died, but I have to be strong and leave him. Life will be difficult because my son is also autistic, but maybe he will be happier without all the tension in the house. Thank you all once again, I really appreciate it and dont feel so lonely now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Nov-12 09:04:59

Let them say what they want. His father has been alive and well for the previous 10 years when he's been subjecting you to various forms of abuse. If he couldn't hide behind his disability, I'm sure he'd find some other excuse for behaving nastily. I think you're the one being kicked when you're down quite honestly. Time to get up and get out...

JuliaScurr Sun 11-Nov-12 09:38:48

I am disabled but that does not give me permission to treat my dp like dirt.

karen1961 Sun 11-Nov-12 14:24:16

Part two to the saga: He went to see my mother today taking our daughter with him, (the real reason for his visit) Mum asked how I was and he told her I was upset, my mother couldn't bear it any longer and blurted "I expect she is, I would be too if I was being pushed out, it is ok for your ex wife to visit and your brother's ex wife but not Karen". So it has hit the fan, I've been told by him if I really felt that deeply about it, I could have gone. True, but when your mother in law says she doesnt want anyone else around it isnt a social occasion, followed by two days silence from husband then being told when he does speak not to go over, what else am I to think? He has now laid a guilt trip on me, everything I have said is the truth and I have tried not to be biased in my favour because I really want honest answers. What I did do was book the ferry today and I am crossing on Tuesday, I told him what I was doing and all he could say was ok. I didnt book earlier because I honestly felt that he didnt want me over there, and now I am scared of the argument that is going to break out on my return. He has said he shouldnt have to cope with my mother's comments at this time or my unreasonableness, I agree, but now I am thinking I have been unreasonable at a really bad time.

QueenieLovesEels Sun 11-Nov-12 14:31:45

Just get out and start your life again.

Kixicle Sun 11-Nov-12 14:43:07

Karen, you've done nothing wrong. Look at our first post. This is a man who has hit you, of course he twists the truth to make himself the victim. It's part of the same personality package I'm afraid. Time to leave.

MerlotforOne Sun 11-Nov-12 14:50:41

You are not the one being unreasonable. You have put his and his family's feelings ahead of your own and he is now twisting that so that you doubt yourself.

Agree with everyone saying 'get out now'.

karen1961 Sun 11-Nov-12 14:57:01

Thank you, you all can't be wrong lol and for too long I have felt guilty and that any decisions I have made have been the wrong ones and had to take the flak, here is one decision I am going to make, one way ticket back!

YerMaw1989 Sun 11-Nov-12 14:57:48

Jesus Christ just pack your stuff and leave or change the locks whilst he is out of the country.

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