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Husband moved out....worried taking him back is easier!

(16 Posts)
doinmybest Sat 10-Nov-12 09:41:44

My husband moved out yesterday. He told me out of the blue at 3pm he didnt love me anymore and had gone by 6! The dc's were devasated/angry but I actually felt nothing. I think I knew it before he did and yesterday was more of a releif. The problem is Im terrified of being on my own with 2 teenagers, a house and a menagarie of pets. Im worried IF he comes back today and wants to sort things out I'll say yes because I dont like the alternative. Is it worth it?

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 10-Nov-12 09:44:41

If he says he doesnt love you, then the relationship is pointless. If what he said is a kneejerk reaction to something bigger (I dont know, possible redundancy, financial pressure, health problems) then is it salvagable in your eyes?

But I wouldn't tke the easy option because you don't want to be alone. a sterile or tense environment is no good for any one.

Flojo1979 Sat 10-Nov-12 09:45:23

Do u think there is a OW?
If u have felt it for a while then its clearly not a fleeting impulsive idea of his. He's clearly thought about it for a while so I think its highly unlikely he will return.
I'm so sorry u are having to go through this.

ZZZenAgain Sat 10-Nov-12 09:49:18

Don't know enough about it to say. WHat do you think were the main problems and are you happy to live together even if there is no real love in it? If the answer to the last question is yes, you are going to have to think about a strategy for making it work. FOr a start, you would need to hear why he is unhappy and see if you are really prepared to change things for him. If not, I think it will only be a temporary fix.

doinmybest Sat 10-Nov-12 09:55:04

we are/were very happy as a family. Perfect you could say. He was getting more and more moody and crabby at times but I put that down to work. He said he has been talking it through with a 'friend' in work and 'feel as my feelings grow for her I realised my feelings for you weren't there anymore' Bloody MIlls and Boon! He has been told their contracts aren't being renewed in 18 months but I think maybe this just gave him the shuove he wanted rather than a kneejerk reaction. Even typing this I know the answer. Its just the kids keep asking me do you think you could just live together?

WhoNickedMyName Sat 10-Nov-12 09:58:12

He said he has been talking it through with a 'friend' in work and 'feel as my feelings grow for her I realised my feelings for you weren't there anymore'

He's having an affair with this woman - albeit possibly not physical. He should be talking to you about his feelings, not some 'friend' at work. So there's your answer.

ZZZenAgain Sat 10-Nov-12 09:59:20

Well if it is about his feelings for another woman , stuff that. He had better get that all sorted out before he turns up wanting you to give it another try. You just do what YOU really want, not what he wants and not what we say.

doinmybest Sat 10-Nov-12 10:01:59

Funny isnt it. I think these forums are fabulous but you're right, even when we're typing we know the answer. We just need a complete stranger to shake us and open our eyes!!

springyspring Sat 10-Nov-12 11:59:19

Completely different situation but I took my husband back (temporarily). I had left him (being as he was a controlling bastard) but when he turned on the charm, I was on my own with PND, a baby and a toddler and was desperate for at least practical help if I'm honest.

I'm saying all that because an axe to an longstanding relationship is very hard to stomach. BUT your situation is different to mine. As you say with MN, there's a lot of wisdom here - and the perceived wisdom is to act with dignity and not crawl about. Easy to say/write, harder to do. He's having an affair, the moron. Couched it in lofty words, mind, but a grubby affair nonetheless. same old same old, been done a million times before. How tiresome these people are!

Dignity my dear. Keep calm. If he goes for good you wouldn't have wanted him anyway. Don't let your kids persuade you to let him stay on in the house on any terms. They have to know that you count too. Disaster if you allow a situation where your needs are being completely trampled over so they can all play happy families.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 13:09:07

I took my DH back under similar circumstances. In one way it was a huge mistake and waste of time. In another way it gave me the opportunity to get past the shock a little (I got very little warning) and appraise him in the cool light of day. At which point it was clear that he really wasn't worth it.

If you felt relief when he left and if you can stay strong, you'll never regret it. Good luck

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 10-Nov-12 16:59:51

I am sorry but your husband has nailed his colours to the mast. In the dash for the door and OW did he trouble to chat to the DCs or did he leave that for you to explain? Don't fudge it, say Dad is unhappy and has moved out but it's not them it's your relationship. They are teens and might have picked up on recent tensions but may be in the dark and anxious.
It is a shock but don't panic, use his absence to work out what you want.

doinmybest Sat 10-Nov-12 17:48:55

he came back this afternoon and told me he loves her. I told him he had to tell the kids. If she is important enough to leave over then he can tell them why hes going. Totally terrified of whats to come

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 10-Nov-12 19:20:27

So sorry sad

The best thing you can do is to detach and focus on looking after yourself and the DC - this means getting legal and financial advice (tax credits, benefits, CSA etc).

No contact with him unless its about child access.

Confide in RL friends/close family to get their support.

I am sure that soon reality will bite him hard and he realises that life without his family and home comforts isn't that great.....

Alittlestranger Sat 10-Nov-12 19:55:42

I'm so sorry this has happened. I had near identical words thrown at me about a friend from work.

You need to stop worrying about hypothetical situations, it's extremely unlikely he will come back. You're likely still in shock and minimising what has happened. This is very normal, I think must of us who have been here are unable to appreciate the full force of what we've been told for a view days, try and see it as little more than a big fight and kid ourselves that we have a say in whether the relationship continues.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 10-Nov-12 20:18:14

I don't blame you for feeling worried and upset, it is a bombshell but knowledge is power, stave off feeling powerless by gathering information.

I haven't been through this myself but keep posting here for advice. Do you have real life support, can you talk this over with a close friend or family member?

Start by making a list, is there a mortgage on the house, do you have other assets, what about bank accounts, salary, pension. Remember to include debts and outgoings.

You can see a solicitor for a free half hour, for a consultation. There is a website called www.resolution.org.uk which you may find helpful. As you have children make you sure you see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

This is early days for you but your "D"H may have been building up to this for some time.

cheesesarnie Sat 10-Nov-12 20:27:08

op sad my situation isn't the same but i have just separated from dh. i just wanted to say how fantastic mn is for support. keep posting.

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