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Advice needed about husbands friends

(29 Posts)
needtoask Sat 10-Nov-12 08:29:49

My husband moved out of the family home 6 weeks ago, he is currently being tested for an ASD, we have a 11 month dd. His behaviour and rituals were becoming increasingly bad, we both have kept the reasons from our family and friends, however they are aware of the separation, the break up is really amicable as my husband has a very sick father who adores our daughter, tbh we are closer now than ever before and we both love each other but I just at this moment cannot live with him if that makes any sense.

Anyhow a situation came up with our daughters godparents last week, we asked his best friend and his wife and two of my close friends.

The godfather has a birthday coming up soon and basically my husband is the only one invited, as it is a surprise occasion his wife the other godmother has organised the invites fully.

My husband emailed her the other day and asked why I was not invited, her reply was that basically if we are not together I was not invited, she stated in her email that she assumed that the break up was nasty, my husband explained to her that it wasn't and he told her that he did not want to fall out with her however he feels the way I have been disregarded is very rude of her.

I am a little bothered but not as much as my husband, my husband and I regret now asking her to be our dd godmother, we both feel that this is not a positive attitude we want around our daughter, my husband and I did not want any of this at all or for people to take sides and disregard each other, my husband is ready to tell her that she respects us both or not at all, thx for reading

lalalonglegs Sat 10-Nov-12 08:35:56

Tbh, I think it's natural to assume a recently-separated couple will not want to socialise and it really is up to her who she invites to her husband's party. She obviously feels it would be awkward despite what your husband says. Tell your husband to let it lie as it is not worth falling out with someone over.

SavoyCabbage Sat 10-Nov-12 08:38:05

So do I. I would not invite recently separated people as I would assume that they would not both want to be together. And it would be awkward to ask.

fayster Sat 10-Nov-12 08:47:22

Sorry to hear how difficult things have been at home, I hope you and your husband find a way forward, whether that be together or separately.

I understand what you're saying about this woman being disrespectful, but I wonder if actually she was trying to be kind, and not put your H in a situation where he might feel uncomfortable? Most break ups are nasty, so she's just jumped to the wrong conclusion. Hopefully, now that your husband's explained, they'll be pleased to see all of you at the party.

diddl Sat 10-Nov-12 08:59:50

I find both your reactions really odd tbh.

So you would always invite both of a separated couple?

Your husband would be invited as it is his friends birthday.

Now that they now you would both be happy to be invited, they will perhaps do that.

It´s not usually the case though that both would want to be there.

needtoask Sat 10-Nov-12 09:15:04

The answer to your question is yes, these friends are not just friends, they happen to be our dd's godparents and this has upset my husband.

My husband would not of treated them like that, I know I face a huge battle being married to a husband with potential aspbergers and ASD lol I may just bail out now I have the chance.

diddl Sat 10-Nov-12 09:21:21

But it is his friend´s birthday.

Nothing to do with your daughter or the fact that they are Godparents?

WhoNickedMyName Sat 10-Nov-12 09:54:00

Are the two other godmothers (your friends) going to invite your H to any social event they ever have?

Are you both expecting to be invited to everything in future even though you're not together?

It's highly unlikely that this will happen so by expecting it to, you're setting yourself up for lots of future disappointment. When couples break up it is inevitable that the friendship with one of the couple wins out over the other.

SavoyCabbage Sat 10-Nov-12 10:03:32

I think you should think of the party as your ex's best friend's birthday party rather than your child's godfather's birthday party.

The best friend and his wife are just thinking that the two of you have separated and don't want to be together so they are just 'moving on'. It doesn't mean that they don't like you any more or that he won't be a good godfather. In a way, he is trying to be supportive. Things are not going to he the same.

Kundry Sat 10-Nov-12 17:28:24

Your separation is different to a lot of separations IYSWIM - you are on good terms with each other, keeping in touch, plaaning to make it work. So it's understandable that people who don't know all the details wouldn't realise.

However although you pick someone to be a godmother these things often evolve over time - it may end up being someone else who is really close to your dd even though they weren't who you chose and were at the ceremony. I think it's fairly unusual for all 4 of your choices to end up being really close to both parents and children in 10 or 20 years time.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 19:49:19

What happens in future when you or he have a new partner? Will you expect his friends to invite all four of you? Sometimes what can feel like 'taking sides' is more a question of practicalities.

needtoask Sun 11-Nov-12 09:16:58

The separation is more of a temp one, his rituals and obsessions and behaviour have gone beyond control, maybe i should set up another thread of support for myself for living with someone with asd, there has been no discussion of divorce etc, just amicable, we have a dd to consider and also there is no future plans of either of us meeting others iykwim. In time we will be back together, we are taking things very slowly. I love this man very much and he loves me but we need support and advice on living with this long term and I am hoping I am strong enough as a person to do this.

I see a lot of your points,really I do, this is a difficult one as after speaking to dh last night and asking more of his thoughts on this yet again, he explained to me of her overall attitude as if, your wife will only be included with her husband and her as and when you are together.he also felt that she was being quite picky.

I have now told dh that I want to distance myself from this altogether as I am just recovering from cancer treatment and seriously don't want drama.

His father is very supportive of our separation at this present time as he is aware of his own sons behaviours, and so are a lot of our friends, our other connections of friends are aware of our separation and several occasions are coming before Xmas were we are both included, not just one of us and we will be going together.

I do feel that some people assume that when separations happen it is all nasty, some people have strong bonds, share a history together and children, some people do behave like adults, IMO experience there is a lot of them that behave like children.. Thx for all your replies x

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Nov-12 09:31:52

You can't blame people for assuming your separation is following a normal pattern i.e. you're not friends any more, when they've been left in the dark with no real information to go on. If you want to blame anyone, blame yourselves for not being clear about the real state of play.

needtoask Sun 11-Nov-12 10:08:14

So what am I suppose to do go round with a sign on my head, it was obvious to a lot of people you know that we were amicable and to our other friends, we were still tagging photos of our daughter on fbook, commenting to each other on fbook in a civil if you wanna flame me go ahead unless you know the full facts then stop being so rude to me.
They were on fbook as both of our friends and had access to that obvious state of play.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-Nov-12 10:12:44

Woah, why the hostility?

When it comes to personal matters you need to talk to people face to face or it's really easy for them to get the wrong end of the stick. Tagging a photo or being civil on FB means nothing to me, for example. Like the man says, if you 'assume' stuff it just makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'.

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 10:14:47

I think you are being unreasonable. They have done nothing wrong. If you tell people you have separated then they are going to now treat you as separate people... Obviously they are... hmm

What is clear to me is that you haven't separated at all. You are still together but you aren't living together at the moment.

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 10:17:39

If you want privacy and so don't explain your complicated and unusual situation you have to suck up things like this because don't forget; you have told people you have separated

Even amicably separated people do not want to socialise together as though they were together for a good while if ever. You haven't separated, that's what's cause the confusion.

MrsDeVere Sun 11-Nov-12 10:21:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahBumBarer Sun 11-Nov-12 10:24:12

Hi *Needtoask" I'm quite surprised by the reaction on here but I certainly can't full out criticse the godparents who simply thought they were doing the right thing. Since it is the godfather's birthday it is perhaps natural that he would want his (presumably) best male friend there and might want to take steps to ensure that he is comfortable enough to come by way of not inviting you. FWIW though, and I am a bit surprised at some of the responses on here, when ExH and separated most of our mutual friends went out of our way to invite both of us with a kindly "word" to us both along the lines of "hope you understand we have invited Ex too and hope you both feel able to come but understand if either of you are not ready yet". Things sorted themselves out over time with a general (unconscious) divvying up of friends and we hardly ever have mutual events/mutual friends nowadays. IMO unless the friends are clearly not mutual friends that is the better approach.

Are you sure it is your DH who is upset by this and not you - you are reacting quite badly to some of the comments on here and I think it has got to you more than you realise.

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 10:31:57

The op states they are "husbands friends" and if it was my event I would not invite recently separated people to it together because I'd be concerned about them fighting, being upset or creating an uncomfortable atmosphere. I might talk to them about it if they were both my friends but these are not mutual friends.

needtoask Sun 11-Nov-12 10:45:21

Telling the full story about my husbands difficulties is not what I really want to do and explain to people or put on fbook either.

The fact that he collects plastic bags that have taken over the home, his constant phone calls if the train or bus does not run on time to the second if I move anything where he leaves it, it causes an uproar. The simple tasks that people take for granted in there married lives is not like that for me, believe me I am not looking for sympathy at all, the having to stick to the structures and times of programmes, somedays I just want out and then I think of how much I love him, I am very sorry if I have come across hostile or unreasonable, that is not my intention at all..I wanted my marriage to work but I don't think I am strong enough.the realisation that an ASD does not get better and making my marriage collapse makes me feel like a failure...I will come of this thread now, sending hugs to you all xx

diddl Sun 11-Nov-12 10:49:31

So-you haven´t separated, you are just not living together atm-with the intention of living together again?

So if people know this I can sort of understand the upset.

But if people think that you have separated as you no longer want to be together, then tbh I don´t get the drama that you & your husband are making from this.

All you need to do is explain that you still get on & are quite happy to both attend the event.

But sometimes just one half of a couple gets invited to bday things anyway.

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 10:50:37

I'm not saying tell people, I'm saying don't be angry with people for believing your cover story. This could seriously wreck your husband's friendship.

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 10:52:39

Either you are separated or you aren't tbh maybe you are not wanting to confront the choice you seem to be wanting to make - to end the relationship, and this things has made you have to confront some of the issues?

needtoask Sun 11-Nov-12 11:01:40

Offred, I feel if I end it and walk away I am letting dd down.

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