Argument about going back to work

[Flosie1989]

Not sure if this should be here or in the going back to work section..maybe someone can let me know.

So I've just had a massive row with DP about going back to work. Tonight was supposed to be about 'us'. I cooked a nice meal etc etc. we started arguing during dinner and now I'm in bed crying and making my way through a bottle of red....

It started by me telling him my new ideas to start a very small business just as pocket money, he barely listened and announced "I've been thinking you should go back to work straight after Xmas" as I'm not due back until march I was kind of shocked especially as we will have enough money until march. I think he's jealous to be honest as he makes comments when he leaves for work etc. I don't think he realises that being a mum is a job too!

Anyway I said that there is no way I'm going back after Xmas. Firstly because I'm not due back until march and secondly I'm not ready to leave dd just yet. He thinks I'm being silly.

Then I dropped the bombshell that I don't think I ever want to go back...well...he went mad and said there's no question I'm going back. I said to him even if we're ok for money you'd still want me to go back for the sake of it and he said yes.

Basically (sorry for the essay) I don't want to go back to work I just want to carry on having kids. Now let me say it's not because I want all the governments money it's purely because this is what i know I should do for a job. Im enjoying being a mummy so much and I just really don't want to leave my baby to work for some s**tty company!

Am I being stupid?! To be honest it's touched a nerve :-(

[Pooka]

Did he know that you planned to stay at home and have kids while he supports you?

I can see both sides. I worked part time after first dc, then freelanced after dc2 and am currently SAHM after dc3. It was always part of the plan, although the current sahm is because freelance work had dropped.

At the same time, from his perspective you have more or less informed him that from now on he will bed all the responsibility for bringing money in. Why is that fair?

And much as having kids is great and I love my dcs, it's not what 'I do for a job'. Kids grow and move on, and what will you do then?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You need another conversation rather than a bottle of wine. As I see it, to date there's been a plan that you go back to work in March. He sprung Xmas on you without warning. You responded with 'never going back to work' without warning. Tempers got frayed, things were said, and everyone's now upset and annoyed because no-one's sticking to the original plan and no-one's discussing options.

Being a mummy may be fun at the moment but staying at home is a bit of a luxury that few can afford. It's a lot of pressure on the sole earner to be the breadwinner... especially at the moment when jobs aren't exactly 'safe' and the cost of living is pretty high. So if you're comfortably off with plenty of spare cash your SAHM idea could have legs... but if one salary would leave things a bit tight financially you have to discuss it properly with budgets and so on rather than spring it over supper.

Try again when things are calmer.

[Flosie1989]

No I have never told him until tonight because I knew exactly how he'd react.

But this is my point, I said to him if I can actually guarantee the same money coming in from my side as if I was to work would there be much point in working and paying for childcare? He seems to think I should still work. Sorry I should have been clearer (the Shiraz isn't helping!) I would never expect him to financially support me, he doesn't now and he wouldn't even if I didn't go back to work.

[Flosie1989]

He still wouldnt be the main bread winner even if I didn't go back.

I'm just upset at the fact that he assumes I'd be fine to leave dd just after Xmas to get on with work when I could be enjoying my time with her.

[LadyLapsang]

I think you are being unreasonable unless you had both agreed that you were going to give up work after becoming a parent. Why should he have to keep the whole show on the road financially? Why do you think it's ok to work for 'pocket money' you are not a child - you should be an equal partner. Having said this I think it would be reasonable for you to return in March as you had originally planned unless your financial situation has changed. Grow up, nobody is coming over the hill on a white horse to rescue you. Being a parent is fantastic but you can combine it with work and most of us do. Get out of bed and apologise.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So you'd be earning money, even if you weren't going back to work.... ? Is this the pocket-money business? Childcare can be expensive in the early days but if you take too long a break from your career, it can be difficult to get back in at a similar pay-scale. So the net effect on the family finances may not be much different in the first few years but, when your child starts school and beyond, when child care is less of an issue, you can find you're still stuck earning buttons. And when you say he wouldn't financially support you - what if your business idea bombed? Would you be expected to live on fresh air?

[LadyLapsang]

How can you be the main earner if you don't work? I'm confused.

[PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort]

You can not make the decision to just ' stop working and carry on having children' on your own.
the same as he can't decide you should go back to work after christmas on his own.

How can you guarantee the same income? What are these business ideas that are going to start producing the equivilent of a wage in 4 months?

[Flosie1989]

ladylapsang thanks for being so sympathetic. I came on here to ask for sensible advice not a harsh dictation.

Like I've just said he will not be the sole earner. I can guarantee that i will get the same money I'm on now even if I don't go back to work. The pocket money thing will be for treats only. Holidays etc.

[greyvix]

You need to discuss it when you are both calm; there are no rights and wrongs, just individual choices. As a SAHM, you would be making a massive contribution to the family; it just wouldn't be a financial one.

I have 4 DCs and was lucky enough to be a SAHM for 12 years, and never regretted it. My DCs and family benefitted in all sorts of ways. I am now back at work, and am money rich(ish) but time poor. Only you can decide what's right in your own circumstances.

[PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort]

he assumes I'd be fine to leave dd just after Xmas to get on with work when I could be enjoying my time with her.

I always point out in these threads what about him. What if he just decides to give up work without consulting you because he wants to stay at home and enjoy his dd?
Is that ok?

[Flosie1989]

Without going into detail I can live off interest from a bank account for a couple of years. Why I even needed to go into that amount of detail I don't even know.

[Flosie1989]

pamela he doesn't want to spend more time with dd he wants to spend his time doing man things. He doesn't like seeing her.

[PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort]

op you are being extremely vague about how you can promise the same amount of money.

If you are vague with him he won't see your point. if you have gone into detail maybe he feels you can't promise it.

Some people do not want the whole families financial burden on them.

[PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort]

Do you know what the interest rates are?

Look OP, i have asked for that detail because all there is, is a vague idea of what you are doing. and yet you want your dh to be ok with you making major decisions yourself. and people her to tell you its ok.

To be clear, he is twat for demanding you go back to work when thats not what was agreed.

I am not convinced by the he doesn't like seeing her. Why would you want more kids with a man that doesn't like the first?

[GrimAndHumourless]

Your DP doesn't like his DD and you are planning more babies with him?

Your problems are greater than you think, honey

[frantic51]

So OP obviously has a private income and doesn't need to go back to work to support herself and her dd. Her H obviously has no income other than earned income and doesn't see why she should have the "luxury" of being a SAHM and, "doing nothing" while he has to work. Sounds like a case of pure jealousy . LTB

[Flosie1989]

God do I regret starting this thread. Thanks for all your comments lets end it here.

[MerlotforOne]

Be careful about just deciding to give up work. I assume if you're on mat leave and not going back until March that DD is little. I really enjoyed being home with my DS for the first 9 months, but was very ready to go back to work by 12 months. Once they're mobile, parenting is a whole if different ball game - I work part-time in a demanding job and still think of it as 'sanity time'! All I'm saying is dont close any doors on your career until you absolutely have to!

Also, many men seem to react to becoming Dads by really feeling the pressure to be a 'provider' and your DH may be feeling this at the moment, hence kicking off despite your independent income.

Also, often they find babies (even their own) somewhat dull, and do better with spending time once the kids are older. My DH really started enjoying DS once he was talking and running around and dotes on him now.

I hope you can both reach a compromise that works for you as a family.

[Pooka]

If he doesn't like being with the dd you already have, then would be madness to contemplate giving up work and Making having babies with him your job.

I just can't get past the idea that he doesn't like his own dd. that's so sad. To be frank, it's not sounding like much of a partnership from what you've posted, taking into account that you didn't feel able to raise your plans, and that he wants you to carry on working so he doesn't feel envious of you being free of work. From what you've posted, it doesn't sound like you're in tune at all with your views of what the future holds I.e. you want mo babies, it doesn't sound like he does. You want to SAHM and he wants you to work.

[MoleyMick]

"He doesn't like seeing her."
That's pretty bad!!
Also agree these things need to be discussed properly. I sympathise with not wanting to leave your dd but can you understand his perspective? You need to, to be able to come to a compromise.

[ladyWordy]

I'd agree with Grim.
This isn't just about money or work, is it.

Your OP said your DH didn't listen to your business idea (ie he wasn't interested. Why not?)

Secondly, without discussion, he says he thinks you should go back to work before maternity leave is up. Why the rush, especially if you have an independent income? Why didn't he sound out your views?

Thirdly, he makes comments about your being home. He doesn't think raising children is work.
And he says that even if you had enough money you should still go out to work. Why? Because he doesn't want your talents to atrophy, or some other reason?

You don't have to answer my questions, I'm just reflecting on what you've said. Maybe it'll help to clarify things.

[WidowWadman]

So you don't want to work anymore but just keep sprogging, and you're surprised he isn't thrilled?

It's pretty irrelevant that you've got a bank account which you can live off, if it's not both of you who are happy with the status quo.

[cestlavielife]

he resents you being at home?
but he doesnt even like your dd?

you not married so do need to keep independent income, if he doesn't like your dd now he probably isn't going to like your next dc either..and it will all end badly.

[letseatgrandma]

How would you feel if he said he didn't want to work anymore but wanted to stay at home whilst you paid all the bills?