Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I a bad person

(21 Posts)
Outofthecomfortzone Fri 09-Nov-12 20:26:31

Trivial but would really appreciate some views.

Been with dh 10years, 2 dcs. Most of the time all is fine.

But something troubles me and I don't know why. It's that whenever we have a disagreement about something, he says I am disrespecting him, trying to send him on a guilt trip, 'laying accusations on him' or similar. I end up feeling like a really awful person.

For example. Tonight after a quite difficult day (work stress, sick child etc), DH came home and was standing outside the back door for 45 mins having a work phone call.

i know I should not have disturbed him, but I went out to ask him to come in and give me a hand. Did not speak or nag but probably showed frustration in expression, gestures etc. (both kids screaming and I can't stop coughing). DH v annoyed and said afterwards that I treated him and his work disrespectfully.

I know what the root of the problem is - he was treated very badly by his family growing up, and certainly did lack any sense of respect. But I feel that I am walking on eggshells around him a lot of the time. Not that he would be violent, but can blow his top.

What to do? He's a good, kind man otherwise. Anybody have any experience, advice or ideas?

Molepom Fri 09-Nov-12 20:32:16

Next time he does that and has a long call outside and reacts like that again, lock the fucking door and tell him why.

Respect works both ways.

Outofthecomfortzone Fri 09-Nov-12 20:45:37

Thank you...I would be risking a serious blowup if I did that, though. I couldn't bear my kids to be frightened by the shouting etc. but them maybe I should risk it? Just stand up to him? God I am so confused.

clam Fri 09-Nov-12 20:48:29

"I would be risking a serious blowup if I did that, though. I couldn't bear my kids to be frightened by the shouting etc"

Jusr re-read that to yourself a few times.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Nov-12 20:59:23

When you can't be yourself, say what you think and act normally around a partner that is meant to love you for fear of them losing their temper and hurling accusations... something's badly wrong. People who are hung up on who does and does not show them respect are often quite inadequate types that rely on bullying to get their own way.

Stand up to him and see what happens. 'Better to live one day as a tiger than a hundred years as a sheep'.

Outofthecomfortzone Fri 09-Nov-12 21:03:57

Thankyou. I do know that it's unhealthy. I just don't know how or where to start tackling it without starting from a massive row.

I grew up in a very shouty and often violent household. I remember how I felt as a child when my parents were screaming at each other.

pictish Fri 09-Nov-12 21:07:59

Yes...and in a sense history is repeating itself now isn't it?

Look - it's not on, walking on eggshells. It's no way to live.

You say that every time you have a disagreement he accuses you of disrespecting him, or sending him on a guilt trip.
Do most of your 'disagreements' stem from you speaking out about his bad behaviour at all?

AbigailAdams Fri 09-Nov-12 21:09:18

Oh he is the Big I Am isn't he. hmm clam is right re-read what you wrote. Walking on eggshells, adjusting your behaviour because you are scared of their reaction, never good.

AbigailAdams Fri 09-Nov-12 21:12:32

You aren't going to be able to address this without a row (or many) because in his warped eyes you are "disrespectful" and he is always right.

And he is unlikely to change anyway because of that delightful sense of entitlement he has.

MissWinklyParadiso Fri 09-Nov-12 21:12:51

I don't know about your relationship in general. However if I had been dealing with a work call, in the freezing cold so I could concentrate properly, and I was repeatedly being interrupted to come inside when I couldn't, then I would be pissed off I'm afraid.

Outofthecomfortzone Fri 09-Nov-12 21:16:53

I'd say so, yes.
If I pick him up on something, it invariably ends negatively.
The thing is, I am no pushover. I hold down a pretty responsible job and speak my mind at home as well as at work. It's just this one thing.
Cogito, yes, I would say there is pretty deep sense of inadequacy there.
I need to talk to him, don't I. Suggest counselling.
Thank you it is helping just to talk about it.

AbigailAdams Fri 09-Nov-12 21:17:53

Oh I get irritated when interrupted on the phone. I do not tell my partner they are being disrespectful confused

pictish Fri 09-Nov-12 21:18:23

Yes I thought they might. he doesn't like being taken to task does he?
This man who blows his top?

Outofthecomfortzone Fri 09-Nov-12 21:19:51

Er it wasn't a repeated interruption, it was once.

I get that he was pissed off with the interruption ( me mouthing 'how long?') and that is fine. But would you say to your partner that he / she was disrespectful?

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Fri 09-Nov-12 21:20:19

This man thinks that you are his inferior because you don't have a penis. Unfortunately, he's convinced you that he is your boss/owner/deity as well.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Nov-12 21:22:15

Counselling is not good for couples where one is dominant or bullying. The dominant partner will simply use it to platform their grievances, tell you all your faults and accept none of the responsibility for change. Individual counselling is more appropriate for you because the real problem is your fear of confrontation. This anxiety about keeping the peace and keeping him sweet is holding you back from saying what you think. My feeling is that, like all bullies, if you stood up to him a few times he would cave. But you need to find the confidence to believe you are entitled to be assertive that at home. You are not your parents

Outofthecomfortzone Fri 09-Nov-12 21:23:38

God it is not sounding good, is it. Maybe it took ŵriting it down / wise words to see how bad it is.

I need to think about it. Try to clear head a bit. Make a plan of action.
All seems quite scary all of a sudden.
Thankyou all.

Outofthecomfortzone Fri 09-Nov-12 21:25:02

Thank you. Did not know that about individual counselling.

pictish Fri 09-Nov-12 21:45:11

It's not good.
You feel you should not be subject to his bad behaviour, but he disagrees.
In fact, he thinks you've got a fucking cheek daring to complain about it. You're disrespecting him. Putting him on a guilt trip. Laying accusations on him.

It's noteable how bullies so often project the very thing they are doing, onto the person they are doing it to.

HappyTurquoise Fri 09-Nov-12 21:55:08

My DH often has long work phone calls (or more often, calls with job agencies/phone interviews) and sometimes takes himself out to the garden or to a far part of the house for some peace. It is just something we have to put up with, he has to work with people in other time zones, and that sometimes involves accepting calls at home. It is work. Disrupting his work calls is like shooting yourself in the foot, it could put his income in jeopardy.

Maybe your DH is worried about holding onto his job?

clam Sat 10-Nov-12 12:55:06

Maybe he is, turquoise, but this episode was just one example given by the OP to illustrate behaviour he demonstrates often.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now