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relationship with sister and BIL?

(25 Posts)
whatatwat Fri 09-Nov-12 18:13:56

sister and i have never been close. no real reason, but just that we have never had much in common. as she got older she seemed to think herself above people, not just me.
she met a guy and got married after about 18 months.
i have never taken to him, he also acts like he knows best, ignores my wishes with the kids, for example, i asked him to not do something with ds, he carried on, ds got hurt, and he just walked out of the house, never even said sorry. it was an accident, but if he had listened it wouldnt have happened.
he then took a pic of one of the boys wearing a dressing up girls costume posted it online, then made comments about the fact he wasnt much of a boy etc. i asked him to remove it, he refused, told me he owned copyrite etc, then made it so i couldnt see if it was gone.
after that the rel with my sister went even further down hill.
now they have had a baby, i am desperate to be a part of his life. but my rel with sis and bil. through the preg i have tried to reach out to her, and been knocked back, things i have said have been ignored, i have asked when can we go see the baby and got vague well were not sure of our plans, we dont know who else is coming and when type comments.
and i have just recieved an email from bil telling me not to put pics of the baby on any social network sites, as they as the parents are making this decision and dont want to be ignored. this from the man who did just that to me.
how can i broach things with them?
do i ignore the past? or try to talk to them about it?

Hesterton Fri 09-Nov-12 18:19:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hesterton Fri 09-Nov-12 18:20:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kige Fri 09-Nov-12 18:25:45

I would just leave it for now and see if you are ever invited. Nephew is not going to know whether you were involved in his life as a tiny baby or not. In any case, if they don't want you involved in his life, you won't be. BIL sounds nasty.

whatatwat Fri 09-Nov-12 18:27:58

it actually makes me so sad, i have no other neices or nephews, i want to be his aunt. i want to be on babysitting duty!
but this guy seems to think that he knows best, you dont ignore a parents wishes.
he has also upset my gran and grandad by slagging off where they come from, and for that i want to tear him a new one.

PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort Fri 09-Nov-12 18:37:14

You can't be aunt to this baby unless you have a relationship with its parents and why would you want to.

Re the photo you can report it to the site and they can remove pictures. Copyright has nothing to do with it.

he is a dick, but then so is she. Let them get on with it.

I have a short temper and would be tempted to reply to his email pointing out what a hypocrite he is, then try and ban his email address and ignore him.

Its shit, op, but not much you can do.

whatatwat Fri 09-Nov-12 18:41:25

the only reason i wont point out the irony of his 'request' is that she has just given birth and i wont give him any amunition to push me further away.

XBenedict Fri 09-Nov-12 18:42:11

What a horrible man, lets hope he is a much better father than brother in law!

There's not much you can do regarding being part of your nephew's life if they won't let you in as sad as that is.

I think I would be tempted to return his email with a "Don't I own the copywrite? I'm sure I heard/read that somewhere" type comment but that isn't big or mature! blush

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 09-Nov-12 18:42:35

Unfortunately your self absorbed sister married someone who is likely to be just like her in terms of personality. He is a bullying know it all who in his mind does know best. Your sister is just as awful.

Would not contact them in any way, shape or form. Also block his e-mail address as of now.

BTW did you report his malicious comments to the site in question?.

You have every right to feel sad yes but getting in contact with them will only make you feel worse in the long run.

PosieParker Fri 09-Nov-12 18:46:38

I see a woman possibly being controlled? Could this be his way of isolating her, he sounds like a right dick.

whatatwat Fri 09-Nov-12 18:50:01

thats what im worried about posie, but i have no reason to, its just a feeling.

PosieParker Fri 09-Nov-12 18:55:25

Does your sister have any friends?

whatatwat Fri 09-Nov-12 18:58:20

they have couple friends, from what i can figure out, but honeslty im not close enough to her to know

PosieParker Fri 09-Nov-12 19:35:01

It just seems rather that this man has gone out of his way to make you even more distant, which could be because your sister is horrid about you or that it suits him to have you distant.

whatatwat Sat 10-Nov-12 16:49:55

i feel that she is very isolated, but, she might be happy with that. and i dont want to rock our very fragile relationship by suggesting it.
i might ask my parents what they think.

AbigailAdams Sat 10-Nov-12 17:34:20

I am with Posie here. That is was my first thought reading the OP, that he is isolating her. He sounds vile and a bully. Which is probably why you are worrying. I would definitely speak to your parents if you and she are on good terms with them. I would also get them and you to bide your time. Perhaps just send a couple of e-mails/phone calls to your sister telling her you will be their for her and her nephew.

whatatwat Sat 10-Nov-12 21:15:43

i will be trying to stay in touch with her more, and im going to speak to our parents.
im worried for her, and worried about our relationship, but im not sure how much my dislike of him is clouding my judegment.

pictish Sat 10-Nov-12 21:23:17

What a fucking hypocrite. I remember your post about the picture of your ds and the fall out that ensued...and now he's telling you that you cannot put a picture of his child up and that it's their decision!!!!! shock

I am spitting on your behalf! angry

I'm going to be 100% honest with you. I could not let that lie. I would be giving him it both barrells and letting him know exactly what I think of him. I couldn't not. He totally disrespected you over that matter with your son's photo. I was spitting tacks back then, and the latest development makes me feel violent.

Get him told, and then never deal with him again except under duress. He's a nasty piece of work.
God knows what to do about your sister. Truly.

whatatwat Sat 10-Nov-12 21:32:57

pictish, i'm not happy about it to say the least.
i have no issue with them not wanting pics on the net, that's fine. we made the decision that it doesn't bother us to have pics online, we have pretty high settings for privacy, only have actual friends and family able to see our pics, and want family who live away to be able to see the kids. and tbh, i don't see any danger in their photos being online. but it was the way he acted, his reaction to my request to take it down.
i wouldn't be a hypocrit and put pics up of their baby. mainly cause i respect their decisions as parents.
i think my sister was in the wrong at the time, as i initially approached her to get the photo removed and she totally ignored me on it. but right now she has just become a mum, and i really dont want to do anything to put any downer on it.
part of me questioned if i was being hypociritcal asking him to take the pic of our child down when i have tonnes online

Peanutbutterfingers Sat 10-Nov-12 21:53:51

He's not telling you not to put up pictures per se, he's using a nasty passive aggressive trick of parroting back what you have said to him in a different context. It's spite

whatatwat Sat 10-Nov-12 21:56:49

i do know that its not only me he has said this too. everyone has been 'told'
im feeling hatey.

GhettoPrincess Sun 11-Nov-12 02:47:16

Sorry that you feel desperate to be part of their lives. Are you just curious for a hold of the new born ? Is this because your kids are not babies ? Your sis and bil are so self absorbed they neither know nor care whether they hurt anyone else's feelings. The online photo incident was just damn cruel. Wonder if bil was jealous that you had kids and at that point they didn't ? He or they are suffering from do as I say not do as I do. They must think that they are the only ones that matter in this life and everyone else is a joke. Can I safely assume they weren't particularly interested in being aunt and uncle to your children ? To get a relationship with my sister's kids I had to do all the running because I was determined that they would know my name and could feel they could trust me and my husband (was never invited to babysit but friends of theirs were, anyway, to late now, kids are teenagers and have left home to pursue further education goals.). I know you are interested in sis & bil's baby, but, I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings you are probably incidental to their lives. Ask yourself re: them - just who do you think you are ?

whatatwat Sun 11-Nov-12 16:07:12

hi ghetto, its nothing to do with holding a baby. there are plenty of those about to have a squeeze of.
its being a part of his life.

digerd Sun 11-Nov-12 16:51:19

BIL sounds insufferable - double standards, one for him and the opposite for you. That is being bullying, bossy, and arrogant. A nasty piece of work. I,m sure if your sister wants to contact you, she will. You can't do anything until you are invited to see the baby. Please concentrate on your own family and leave them to their selfish lives. You can do no more. They may need babysitting favours at some time in near future, and no doubt you will hear from them then. Sorry I cannot help to change their selfish, arrogant ways.

GhettoPrincess Sun 11-Nov-12 23:39:11

As everyone has been told about the photos, I should imagine there's lots of other do's and dont's, plus more coming. Sounds like he/they will be snotty to anyone they can't use and insufferably sucking up to anyone they can - dependent on what's required at that time.

You are part of his family on account of the fact that you are his aunt. I had to settle for being on the periphery of my sister's kids lives.

Sorry that you're hurt by this behaviour. Do you really want to hear any sneering about their cousins i.e. your kids ? 'Cause obviously any child of theirs can shit gold bricks, apparently.

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