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Advice needed on OH's identity crisis

(19 Posts)
LucyLocketX Fri 09-Nov-12 18:02:32

Been together 16 years. 1 DD aged 3 and I'm nearly 8 months pregnant with our second.
I'm not sure if he ever wanted children. I managed to persuade him to have our daughter. He became quite distant during that pregnancy, going out all the time, not really interested until she was born. Since she's arrived he's been a doting father but says he wonders what his life would have been like without children.
It took me nearly 3 years to persuade him to try for another. Two miscarriages later, I finally became pregnant but our relationship went downhill while we were trying.
During this pregnancy, he's suffered from depression. Currently on anti-depressants, lost a lot of weight, seeing a counsellor.
A couple of months ago, he rented a place and moved out. He still comes home to see our daughter, stays for a brief chat after she goes to bed and then leaves every night.
He says he feels like he can't be in a relationship right now and needs to be on his own. I know there's no one else.
He says he's planning to come home once I reach full term and thinks the baby might actually bring us back together but I'm not so sure.
His counsellor says he's having an identity crisis due to always trying to go along with what everyone else wanted him to do.
It sounds fairly similar to a mid-life crisis from what I've read up on.
Has anyone been through something similar and come out the the other end? Any advice appreciated. Thanks for reading.

WaitingForMe Fri 09-Nov-12 19:15:27

I'm sorry but I wouldn't enable him. I certainly wouldn't be waiting to see when he was ready to move back. I'd need him to get his act together and convince me he was worth a second chance.

Everyone with kids wonders what life might have been like without them and lots of people get depressed but bailing on your family is still a choice.

tallwivglasses Fri 09-Nov-12 19:22:13

You sound terribly understanding OP. What about you? What do YOU want?

LucyLocketX Fri 09-Nov-12 19:37:54

I would have said exactly the same thing until this actually happened to me but most of the things I've read stress the importance of maintaining contact. It's also a practical help with DD1 to have him around. Also, I believe it's best for her to keep seeing him regularly.
I'm not understanding at all unfortunately. I have tried and tried and cannot understand it at all. It's completely out of character for him to do this.
We have had a very happy relationship until the start of this year.
I'm devastated by the whole thing. I have a Relate session for myself this Monday to talk things through with someone.
I just wondered if anyone had been through anything similar and survived.
I'm fairly sure this has all been triggered by the pregnancy. Things were strained during my previous pregnancy and got better again after so we are both hoping that this could happen again.

LucyLocketX Fri 09-Nov-12 19:42:01

Also, I miss him terribly when he's not here, feel extremely lonely and am just trying to do what I can to rebuild the relationship at the moment.

quietlysuggests Fri 09-Nov-12 19:50:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xales Fri 09-Nov-12 19:50:29

I wish you all the best and hope you are right.

Personally to me it looks like he has moved out, has told you he can't be in a relationship right now so effectively is not your OH.

After your DD goes to bed, after your hours chat when he swans off do you actually have a clue what he does?

What does he do at weekends?

izzyizin Fri 09-Nov-12 19:58:09

His counsellor would seem to be a proponent of the self-indulgent school of pyschoanalysis.

Has s/he opined on the effect on your own psyche of always having to go along with what your h wants you to do?

You 'know there's no-one else' because:
a) you've got a camera/listening device secreted in his digs
b) you've had him regularly followed by discreet private eye
c) you trust him

If the answer is c) I would suggest you put your trust to the test of a) or b)

Hassled Fri 09-Nov-12 20:02:39

He seems to want to have his cake, eat it, and then come back for seconds. He wants the family life but he wants his own place - he's planning to move back when the baby arrives but in the meantime he's quite prepared to see you be unhappy and stressed.

Having depression doesn't make people become twats. It just makes them depressed. He sounds very, very self-indulgent.

Do you think what the counsellor said is true? Has he really always gone along with what everyone else wants?

SirSugar Fri 09-Nov-12 20:13:44

I'm sorry OP but I think there is OW. Men don't just move out to sit alone and ponder their navel each night.

The depression and stress are probably a result of guilt that he knows he's treating you like shit, as for coming back, playing for time.

VoiceofUnreason Fri 09-Nov-12 20:18:09

He shouldn't have allowed himself to be persuaded to be a dad not once, but twice. I suspect there isn't an OW - he's just, sadly, regretting his decisions which presumably gave you what you wanted.

I'm not criticizing you, OP, I am merely saying he should have had the guts to say "I really don't want kids, I'm sorry" and allowed you to leave and find someone who shared the same goals.

OpheliaPayneAgain Fri 09-Nov-12 20:22:44

Poor sod. If it were a woman forced to get pregnant there would be outcry, but a manipulatd man? Still whether he stays or goes, he'll be forced into accepting financial responsibility he was manipulated into.

His counsellor says he's having an identity crisis due to always trying to go along with what everyone else wanted him to do.

He's a people pleaser, he will do anything to get praise. How tragic for him to be bullied and manipulated in this way.

Chubfuddler Fri 09-Nov-12 20:29:24

I don't think there is another woman either. I think (and I'm genuinely sorry to say this) that he wants out but knows he will look like a total cunt to others if he dumps a pregnant woman so he's stalling.

He didn't move out during your first pregnancy did he?

Chubfuddler Fri 09-Nov-12 20:31:31

No one gives a shit about your hypotheticals Ophelia. Everyone has a responsibility to use contraception (which can admittedly fail) if they don't want a baby. This thread is about a pregnant woman whose husband has left her. Show a little compassion or piss off.

OpheliaPayneAgain Fri 09-Nov-12 21:06:29

chub go do one luv, be the only fun you get. There's a lovvie

Chubfuddler Fri 09-Nov-12 21:08:11

If you want to spend your Friday evening scrapping on tinternet try not doing it on the thread of someone in distress.

OpheliaPayneAgain Fri 09-Nov-12 21:09:11

You started slinging the insults sweetie

DontmindifIdo Fri 09-Nov-12 21:20:54

OP - ignoring the arguments above, I think you should take control of this. While he might be in the middle of a crisis, that doesn't change the fact that he is being increadibly cruel to you and your DD. She has a daddy that's left, except he hasn't, and he's planning on coming back when it suits him, but might not, so you can't move on and start planning because you are letting him set the pace.

To me it sounds like he doesn't like facing up to the reality of the decisions he has made, he agreed to have DCs with you, now he might be regretting that, but he didn't say "definately not" and then you sabotaged the contraception 4 times, he has got you pregnant 4 times, it's only now that the second child is about to arrive that he's decided that actually he doesn't want this afterall.

So he didn't face up to what his decision to agree to DCs meant then (that he'd have to be a father to 2 people), and he does'nt seem to want to face up to what his decision to leave you means now, and you are letting him get away with not facing up to that.

Are you just DPs, not married? Then seek advice where you stand financially, start making this split official. Bag up any of his stuff that's left in your home and tell him to take it. Don't let him decide when he will be visiting your DD, set times that suit you and have him have his access time away from your home - he has a flat of his own, there is no reason that he should be coming in to have family time with you if he's left you.

It might not be that there's another woman, but he's creating a situation where it would be very easy for another woman to step into his life, whilst maintaining all the good bits of family life with you. Does his family and friends know he's left you at 8 months pregnant? If not, start telling people. The sooner this man has to face up to realities of his choices the better.

izzyizin Fri 09-Nov-12 21:36:01

It doesn't appear to be the case that your h has been kept on a stud farm and forced to donate sperm as and when required.

Given his behaviour when you were expecting dd1, it doesn't seem out of character for your h to dump his angst on you by removing himself from a situation that isn't to his liking even though he's played his part in creating it.

As tall has already asked, what do you want to do or have happen, Lucy? Are you content to stay hanging on his whim? If so, for how long?

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