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Partner of 11 Years abused child when he was 14... please help!!

(32 Posts)
BeTheBestYouCanBe Fri 09-Nov-12 10:52:41

This is my first post and I really need some help as I can't talk to anyone about this in RL I have two DD, one aged 3 and the other 7 months.
I will start the story from two weeks ago when I and my partner had a verbal argument which turned into quite a big argument which ended in me telephoning the police. Anyway the police ended up checking his record and finding something on there in regards to sexual abuse.
Rewind 11 years when I first met him. He told me that there had been some trouble when he was younger in regards to sexual abuse but he never did anything and it was someone else but the person said it was him for some reason. At this time in his life he had just lost his mother to a brain tumour with whom he was extremely close with and there was a lot going on as he was staying at different family members houses including the ones that he didn't get on with. Please remember his age at the time all this was going on which was 14 years. Anyway, when he told me this I believed him and didn't think anything else of it.
Fast forward to yesterday. The police came to my home with social services which was a pre-booked appointment with me. Now, I didn't know social services were coming as I was just told it was going to be a police officer and also thought it was to discuss matters in regards to the verbal argument. However, when they came I was quite shocked to find that they were coming to discuss what had been found on my partner's record. They asked me what I knew about it which I told them what he had told me. The social services woman then told me that I need to have another discussion with him about it but she could not tell me anything because of data protection. Once I have a discussion with him then she will need to conduct and assessment on both of us.
So, after they went I telephoned him and asked him to come round (he moved out two weeks ago after the verbal argument for the sake of the children).
I told him what the appointment was about and after a bit of a struggle I got it out of him that it was him who did the abuse at the time. He found it very distressing talking about it and has been riddled with guilt and unable to come to terms with what happended. I beleive he needs to go and see a counsellor to talk about it and why it happened. Anyway he admitted that it was him but he refuses to tell me what actually happened and how old the child was at the time. He says it is sick, he feels sick when he thinks about it and he cannot possibly tell the woman he loves (me) what happened. He is scared that it is going to change how I see him (it probably will). He has blocked it out all these years and has black spots which have caused him many other problems in his life.
Anyway I need some help/ advice... I don't really know. My head is in bits. It doesn’t matter what the initial argument was about what matters is the fact that my babies could be taken away from me. I don't really know what I am looking for on here.. This is just one big nightmare. What do I do??????? I am 26 and he is 29 so this happened 15 years ago.

Thanks for reading.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Nov-12 10:59:27

Wind it back to the 'verbal argument... which ended in me telephoning the police'. Agression/violence/abusive behaviour is, on its own, a good enough reason to not let this man back in your home. Add a past history of a sexual crime (I'm assuming he was convicted in some way) and the argument is stacked even more against him. It's all very well him feeling sick about what happened but does he also feel sick about the violent argument? Has he a history of similar behaviour? He says you're the woman he loves but why would a loved woman have to call the police? And he almost certainly does need counselling but he's a grown man... at any time in the last 15 years he could have sought that or asked for your help.

SS are likely to be far more interested in your children if he is living under the same roof than if you keep him at a distance.

quietlysuggests Fri 09-Nov-12 12:24:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ratbagcatbag Fri 09-Nov-12 12:30:03

Sorry, but he lied to you and went on to have children with you, knowing that one day this could rear up, and I'm sorry just 14 doesn't cut it for me, my abuser started when he was 15 and carried on for 10 years.
Why did it stop, was it a one off offence, did it stop because he was found out etc? all the answers to these may help you decide, the problem is that as he lied to you in the first instance then how do you know he's telling the truth.

ShamyFarrahCooper Fri 09-Nov-12 12:38:55

OP you need to have a serious think about this.

Does he feel sick because he acted on his thoughts? Does he hate how he feels? You do know that these feelings don't just switch off don't you? How can you ever be sure he can be trusted with your children?

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. But PLEASE do not diminish the initial argument either. Yes it probably doesn't matter what it was about, but it DOES matter you felt threatened/scared enough to contact the police. That is not 'normal' within a relationship.

BeTheBestYouCanBe Sat 10-Nov-12 09:25:06

Thank you for your replies.

He has had a lot of problems in his life which I have found very hard to understand before but now that I know this... it all comes together and I can clearly see that this thing he has been hiding was the cause. He has not said this to me it is my observation. When it happened it was a one off occurrence and not an ongoing thing. At the time when he was a child it was disclosed to the police and he had to go to counselling then and SS were involved then. They closed the case.

quietlysuggests- Thank you for your wise words. It was just what I needed.

Anyway I found out yesterday that this Social Worker has now gone on holiday for two weeks so now I have to wait for her to come back. Apparently in the meantime I am not allowed to give him unsupervised access. WTF

rainbowinthesky Sat 10-Nov-12 09:37:25

I agree with others that he was clearly seriously messed up at the time. However, he chose to produce children before he had adequately dealt with the issues to enable him to be ready to parent. I think it's too soon to trust him with dc although not to say that with the right sort of help it isnt possible in the future. He still sounds screwed up and not in a good place to parent, at least alone.
I also agree that the police don't get called unless it was a threatening situation.

quietlysuggests Sat 10-Nov-12 18:37:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamFolly Sat 10-Nov-12 18:41:24

What led you to call the police? Was he threatening you? What did he say?

BeTheBestYouCanBe Mon 12-Nov-12 08:50:41

Thank you for your replies
It wasn't really a verbal argument... more of a physical one :-(
I don't know what is going on at the minute but for the past 7 months (from when mat leave started) one bad thing after another is happening.
At the moment the most important thing for me is that my babies are with me. I feel like running away with them and never coming back. I have my up and down days at the min, today is a down day. I don't have any RL friends or family to talk to. I am crying now.

BeTheBestYouCanBe Mon 12-Nov-12 09:33:56

For some reason he came to bed at 4:00am and was in and out the room a couple of times. By now the youngest one was fully awake and in a playing mood. I was annoyed with him as he then disappeared in to another room to sleep. I told him to take her downstairs and put her to sleep as I am the one up at 6:00am every morning with the children while he sleeps in. Anyway I couldn't sleep after this so went downstairs to ask him if everything was ok (as his face looked like there was something wrong as he looked upset). I may have been a little annoyed when asking him as his reaction was very annoyed and angry. He said it was because I kept asking him if everything was ok but he already seemed upset and angry before I asked him this???
I don't really know what happened next but it became very verbally aggressive and next thing you know he has me by the throat and twisting my arm up my back. In response to this (self defence I suppose) I scratched his face and lashed out as hard as I could to get him off me. By now my 7 month old was watching and screaming. He ran upstairs and I asked him to leave the house he refused and started trying to play games with me by running in to our 3 year olds bedroom (I suppose because he knew that I would be upset by this) To try and get him to leave I told him I was telephoning the police. I dialled the number and it rang once before I hung up. This made him leave the house but by now my 3 year old was awake and crying in her bed. There was a knock at the front door which I thought was him but when I opened it, it was the police.
This has happened before. This is why he has moved out. It cannot continue, my children come first.

joblot Mon 12-Nov-12 09:34:31

Bottom line if he is going to accept responsibility for what he's done to you and to a child, is he has to talk about what he's done and get help. Avoiding it by saying it makes him sick is rubbish.

However if he's been violent to you then he's learned nothing and he's a danger to you and the kids. This is the view ss will take, quite rightly.

Try speaking to women's aid for support and advice. Sorry you're having to deal with this

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 09:53:49

Can you see how you've been protecting him by downplaying what happened originally and calling it a verbal argument? That's when it gets dangerous... when you're making excuses for someone who you should be walking away from as fast as possible.

So he's physically abusive today, has behaved this way in the past and has also sexually assaulted a child/children when he was a teenager. Keep telling yourself it cannot continue, he's a dangerous man, call Womens Aid & get all the support you can.

Why is it you have no-one in RL to talk to? Are your family dead or estranged? Do you not have friends or neighbours that you can at least have a cuppa with?

Wowserz129 Mon 12-Nov-12 09:57:33

Op are you actually realising the serious nature of what he has done?

Pedophiles don't just stop there thoughts, in most cases they have to learn to control them and not act upon them.

I would not have this man within 100 feet of my children until I found out the exact details of what happened. Social services are 100% right to protect your children and they obviously have serious concerns about your partner.

On top of that physical altercations are just not acceptable and it's very wrong for that to have happened. If you look at things from SS point of view, your children now live in a home with a pedophile and a home where physical abuse has happened. Tread very carefully.

I hope you get the right support to make the right decisions.

BeTheBestYouCanBe Mon 12-Nov-12 10:03:40

My childhood was abusive; my farther beat my mother for 10 years, had affairs and his friends sexually abused me as a child. Police have never been made aware of this. My family are not close and don't get on and I could never go to them. I don't have RL friends because I have found it hard to trust people over the years and not maintained friendships. I have devoted all my time to my family and work. I have always had to stand on my own two feet and take care of myself from the age of 16, where I was not living at home.
Yes I can see that I have been protecting him. I suppose because of his traumatised childhood.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Mon 12-Nov-12 10:06:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga Mon 12-Nov-12 10:08:20

In my view you have to completely separate from him - no question about it. Not just because of the past, but because of the DV. He sounds unpredictable and downright dangerous to me. He probably needs help, but that's no reason to put yourself and your children at risk.

I suggest you contact the following:

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 (24 hours):

Rights of Women - 020 7251 6577 (Mondays between 11-1, further details on their website:

Where DV is involved you should also qualify for legal aid whether you meet the financial criteria or not - you may need legal representation at some point:

You can find details of your nearest child contact centre through SS or look here:

Good luck.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Mon 12-Nov-12 10:08:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeTheBestYouCanBe Mon 12-Nov-12 10:18:55

Thank you
I know I need to protect my children and I will do so with all my strength until the day I die.
I cannot abandon him. Yes he has moved out for the foreseeable future which is the best thing for me and my children but I still feel the need to try and help him live a normal happy life. He needs to sort his head out and I know he won't do this on his own. He is very suicidal and at the end of the day the farther to my two children. I feel I have a duty to make sure he gets the help he needs.

Wowserz129 Mon 12-Nov-12 10:22:41

Yes but you cannot help him at the expense of your children. He needs to help himself.

tethersend Mon 12-Nov-12 10:26:07

I think you have to ignore the reasons he is the way he is. They do not change the fact that he represents a danger to you and your children; a danger which SS will identify.

This is an awful situation for you, I'm so sorry- but staying with this man will make it worse, not better.

BeTheBestYouCanBe Mon 12-Nov-12 10:26:58

It will not be at the expense of my children... they do and always will come first, there is no question in my heart or head of this. They will come first. This is such a mess. I feel confused, angry and just very upset.

CatKitson Mon 12-Nov-12 10:27:30

Bethebest, you have not an iota of "duty" to that man. Your only duty is towards your children. Your partner can get help from professionals, and not at the cost of risk to you and the children.

If you want to protect your children with "all your strength" then cooperate with social services, and keep him away from you and from them.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 11:46:22

"I feel I have a duty to make sure he gets the help he needs. "

That's a noble aim but quite wrong. He had a duty to you to be honest, keep you safe and do right by the family... and he has done the polar opposite by assaulting you, frightening your children and lying about his past.

You owe him precisely nothing. He owes you.

grumpyoldbookworm Mon 12-Nov-12 11:56:48

Good luck. Be strong. There is a lot of very good advice on this thread- it is tough that you had such a bad childhood yourself, hope you can make a better start for your DCs. Olgaga's links should be very useful. Hope so!

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