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Got it right in the end!!!

(60 Posts)
Gotitwrong Fri 09-Nov-12 10:15:51

Hi - haven't been on MN for a couple of years now!!
Posted mainly under the nickname "worthless" and then name-changed!!
But I've now got it right :-)
Quick recap.
Aged 46 (scary) 3 children now aged 16, 13 and 9
Been with husband since I was 16.
Been so unhappy for so many years and did what a lot of us do and just carry on "for the kids"
Problems escalated. Got advice from MN, ready Lundy, and got a backbone!!
Years of being a 1950's wife.
Emotional abuse.
Physical abuse.
Sexual abuse.
But it was all my fault, or in my head!!!
I did all the childcare, cooking, cleaning, and worked - of course I did as "that is what wives and mothers do"
A good wife also has sex 4/5 times a week even when they are being treated like shit don't they??
BUT NO MORE........
I kicked him out 18 months ago :-)
I did it - I actually did it :-)
Omg why did I wait so long??
Kids happy, I am happy :-)
Life is good, life is fun, life in our house is full of love and laughter :-)
I bloody well did it!!!!
Just about to get my decree absolute - so I am finally free from the bastard that I let nearly ruin my life and my kids lives!!!!
So ladies if I can do it - trust me you can too!!
I just wanted to tell you all to be brave and take that leap of faith.
"If you are not living your life with the love of your life then what kind of life are you living"????

Giglet Fri 09-Nov-12 10:19:41

Wow! Congratulations.

It is a relief isn't it. Enjoy the brilliant future. (don't worry about 46, I'm 47)

CailinDana Fri 09-Nov-12 10:24:09

Lovely thread, well done smile

Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 Fri 09-Nov-12 10:31:11

I am so pleased for you. It's lovely to read such a positive outcome.

Be happy x

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Nov-12 10:34:50

"Omg why did I wait so long??"

That's the only regret isn't it? So glad you saw the light and really pleased you're happy.

Gotitwrong Fri 09-Nov-12 10:35:31

Thanks :-)
Honest to God I didn't think I could do it!!
It took me about 6 years to get brave enough to.
It's when you finally realise that it's not YOU who is in the wrong but them that you start to get strong.
When you realise it's not normal to be sworn at, pushed, hit, strangled, forced to have sex and be a servant.
When you accept responsibility for what you are showing your children about love and relationships.
When you know that you would rather be on your own than live like that.
It's been tough - bloody tough as he is such a bastard.
But I know I've done the right thing. I know that because my beautiful wonderful kids have told me what an amazing mum I am, that I am their best friend and that they wished I had done it years ago!!
That is when I had finally "got it right" :-)

AlmostAHipster Fri 09-Nov-12 10:36:01

Good for you, love! Well done on taking your life back!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Nov-12 10:36:55

I hope you change your username to 'gotitright' now smile and please stick around on the Relationships board to help other people who find themselves in the same situation.

Gotitwrong Fri 09-Nov-12 10:44:18

I plan to stick around and actually feel guilty that I've been absent for soooo long :-(
I've lurked and read but been too messed up in my own head to add any value to others :-(
It has been a tough tough 18 months - lost all the support from his family who had been my family for nearly 30 years.
Lost a lot of mutual friends
Did what a lot of us do and drink far too much 🍷
But I'm through it now - through that dark lonely tunnel and out the other side into sunshine and freedom and peace (apart from when he starts another rant)
But now I think "I don't owe you a conversation / jog on"
Lol :-)

hildebrandisgettinghappier Fri 09-Nov-12 10:45:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Fri 09-Nov-12 10:46:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovingfreedom Fri 09-Nov-12 10:51:45

Congratulations - thanks for posting - great to hear a success story! grin

chocolatespiders Fri 09-Nov-12 10:55:19

AMAZING-FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE- ENJOY

Gotitwrong Fri 09-Nov-12 10:55:29

Interesting !!
What makes you think that??
Well done on being brave :-)
You will wobble - these abusers are very clever at making you think it's all in your head.
My Ex is a very clever, university educated man who everyone thought was an amazing husband and dad!
I kept quiet about the abuse as I was ashamed. I couldn't even admit it to myself. I did feel I deserved it as quite clearly I wasn't being "a good wife"
Excuse the rude word but bollocks!!!!
You were the shitiest example of a husband you can ever get!!
But hey ho you will very soon not be my husband anymore :-)
Thank god :-)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 09-Nov-12 10:55:56

thanks well done.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Fri 09-Nov-12 11:01:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Fri 09-Nov-12 11:02:50

Congratulations smile thanks

Gotitwrong Fri 09-Nov-12 11:17:24

Sounds like a plan :-)
No I'm a Southener so there are shitty men all over the UK !!!
Looking back the warning signs were there from word go :-(
Makes me so cross with myself for staying for sooooooo long!!!
Fell for his good looks, good body and intellect :-(
Now when I have to look at him which thank goodness isn't very often I see an ugly man - ugly as he is rotten on the inside even though everyone would still think he is a catch :-(

True colours emerge and does he see the kids ??
One night every two weeks they stay at his (shacked up with his girlfriend who has no kids)
Gives me just what CSA would make him give but then takes off money when they stay over "well I feed them then so that costs me money"
He has had around 10 holidays/long weekends away this year but won't take a day off in school holidays to spend a day with the kids "I'm not your free childcare"
Oh the list could go on and on but he's not worth wasting anymore energy on!!!
I'm free, I'm happy, my kids are happy - I did it :-)

thatsnotmynamereally Fri 09-Nov-12 11:25:09

wow gotit what a brutal man... so glad for you that he's out of your life and sorry to hear he is not being decent with regards to the kids. Free childcare?? really?? shock

AnybodyOutThere Fri 09-Nov-12 11:37:30

I have never posted on here before, but have lurked for a while.

I remember your thread, and it described the situation I had been in for 13 years, until I left 9 years ago with 3 children under the age of 6. I had no job and had to apply for social housing and it was hard - but the relief and feeling of freedom was unbelievable. Reading your thread brought it all back and made me realise just how far I had come

I knew that a lot of what was happening was wrong, but your judgement becomes so clouded and your reality so skewed, that you just try and get through each day. The tipping point for me occurred after a particulartly nasty sexual assault. I was in tears and he just sat there and laughed. I realised then that there were one of two things going on (i) he couldn't help it and therefore it would always be like this or (ii) he chose to behave in all those ways. Either way I suddenly realised that nothing I could do would change things. It was a lightbulb moment that meant I no longer had to waste head space trying to work out what the hell was going on.

I picked myself up, looked him in the eye, and told him that he had a week to leave or I would involve the police. As usual he said that no-one would believe me, that this was what all marriages were like, that people in wars had to deal with far worse, that I was mad, he would get custody of the kids, everyone knew I was an unfit mother, all my friends laughed at me behind my back, no-one liked me, it was all my fault etc etc etc - but nonetheless he went! But not before telling me that I would ruin the childrens lives, they would fail at school, be emotionally damaged, have no friends, blame me for everything, and so on. None of the above was true, as I found out when I started to talk to people about what had gone on.

It wasn't easy - dealing with an abuser never is, and he was very clever, but also very deluded about how things would work out. Counselling helped me a great deal in the early days.

I got a lawyer, filed for divorce - which he tried to block at every move, and got enough equity out of the house to buy somewhere small outright. He gets to see the children every other weekend and has no money. He still tries everything he can to upset our lives, but it's now water off a ducks back and has no effect whatsoever.

I went back to work part-time when my youngest started school 6 years ago, and with tax credits have managed fine. Since then I have met and currently live a with a fantastic new partner who is different in every way possible to XH, and have progressed my career. The 3 boys (now 14, 12 and 11) are happy, well-adjusted, settled, achieving very highly at school, and are starting to realise, through some of their Dad's recent actions (very bitter and stupid man) that there were very good reasons for our divorce. They are protective of me, and I receive nothing but postive feedback about them wherever we go.

I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but it does nothing but get better, and I am so glad you did it. It will continue to get better and better, even though things may get tough at times. So onwards and upwards ......

My only regret is that there was no Mumsnet 9 years ago, because if I had known then what I have since learnt, he would have been out on his ear far sooner. Mumsnet is brilliant!

chocolatespiders Fri 09-Nov-12 11:40:24

Takes money off your amount when he spends time with his children- shocking.

My ex hasnt paid through the CSA for months and Csa don't give 2 hoots. But like you say you are free and living your life how it deserved to be lived.

Gotitwrong Fri 09-Nov-12 11:49:28

The turning point for me was the day I came out of hospital after having surgery to remove a tumour from my brain - thank goodness it wasn't cancer but none the less my head was stapled with around 30 metal clips, head shaved and that night he went on a boys night out!!
Summer holidays started that day and he didn't take one day off work to help!!
That was July last year and by the end of the holidays I had found the strength to kick him out!
Within 3 months he was living with "the love of his life"
Who is an "amazing woman"
It's easy to be amazing isn't when it's just yourself to look after and no children !!!
She's welcome to him :-)

Gotitwrong Fri 09-Nov-12 12:20:21

Post just arrived.......
I am now DIVORCED!!!!!
Omg - what now????

ShamyFarrahCooper Fri 09-Nov-12 12:29:15

OP I'm so pleased to hear your story! I love hearing how well we all do when we are FREE for the living nightmare.

For me, after a particularly violent incident, after which I apologised to HIM, it took me 6 months to leave. the reason? After that incident every day I lost a little bit of feeling for him until I realised I didn't even LIKE him let alone love him. Best feeling ever!

It's so important we get to hear survivor stories, not least for the encouragement it can give to others thinking of taking that step.

Gotitwrong Fri 09-Nov-12 13:03:06

Ok I am now DIVORCED !!!
Today !!!!
So why can I not stop shaking????

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