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People in newish relationships, how do you manage to feel secure in them?

(11 Posts)
ColdCoffee Fri 09-Nov-12 09:19:31

Been dating someone for about 4/5 months and am constantly worried and panicking that he's going to finish it. No idea why as he hasn't said anything that suggests that but I'm so scared of falling for him and then getting hurt that I don't feel able to enjoy the relationship through a constant fear of being dumped.

I've tried telling myself it wouldn't be the end of the world if he did - he has his faults, I'm young enough to find someone else, I have friends and a career etc etc - but everytime I'm with him I analyse his every move, if he doesn't cuddle me in bed, if he leaves earlier than normal, if he's quiet, if he says something odd - why can't I just cool it and enjoy it? I want to feel like even if it did end tomorrow, we've had an amazing 5 months which has brightened up my year if nothing else.

People in newish relationships, how do you do it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Nov-12 09:25:45

It all comes down to self-confidence & self-worth I think. A confident person would look at those faults you mention rather more critically and work out if they're acceptable or not. Work out if he's worthy of you rather than fret about if you're worthy of him.

How are things in your life otherwise? Are you busy, feeling good about life, fulfilled in your job, have plenty of friends, maintaining your independence? Or are you over-reliant on the good opinion on this one man for your happiness? If it's the latter... do something to correct it.

CailinDana Fri 09-Nov-12 09:32:56

I agree with Cogito. I don't want to worry you further but feeling insecure about a relationship can actually be a self-fulfilling fear, in that it can sour how you look at things and create problems where there are none. It's also quite insulting to your partner as it implies that he's not trustworthy. Having someone doubt you constantly (even if they never say anything about it) eventually filters through and becomes obvious.

It might be worth working on your self esteem. It will improve the relationship overall and make you feel happier in the long run.

ColdCoffee Fri 09-Nov-12 09:33:32

Thanks for your reply Cogito. My life is pretty busy and varied. I work 13 hour shifts and have what I class as a good career, I enjoy my work but it's also stressful work too. Financially I'm comfortable so I certainly don't need a partner for financial reasons. Before we met I'd taken my children to 3 different countries on holiday including America so it's not as though I need a man to help me finance holidays etc.
I have a great set of friends, we go on day trips together, nights out, meals - so it's not like I need him for company.

I don't know what it is. I'm just terrified of that "I don't think it's working out" conversation.

ColdCoffee Fri 09-Nov-12 09:34:23

Sorry crossed posts with Cailin, thanks for your reply also.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Nov-12 09:42:39

No-one likes to hear 'I don't think it's working out', don't get me wrong. But if that's preoccupying your thoughts, it's not healthy. Looking at it a slightly different way, would you describe yourself as highly competitive? Are you a sore loser? smile Sometimes it's as simple as that...

ColdCoffee Fri 09-Nov-12 09:51:31

I've tried to psychoanalyze myself and I've come to the conclusion that deep in my conscience I crave the whole 2.4 family set up. The bay window semi, someone to come home to at night, someone to argue with at Christmas etc. I've craved it for so long that I wonder if it often clouds my judgement when it comes to men and makes me accept stuff I don't like just for the sake of getting closer to that ideal set-up in my head.

CailinDana Fri 09-Nov-12 09:54:00

It's good that you recognise that. Having a particular fantasy in your head can be dangerous - just like you say, it can lead to you accepting things that you shouldn't in pursuit of the fantasy. Everyone wishes for certain things of course but if you're so fixated on getting this one thing in the future it can ruin the present IYSWIM.

How is the relationship, really?

Conflugenglugen Fri 09-Nov-12 09:55:48

ColdCoffee - Your relationship is obviously bringing your stuff up for you, which is what relationship does. It is whether we choose to acknowledge and take responsibility for our own stuff that makes the difference between a relationship that works and one that won't.

It's very hard to psychoanalyze yourself effectively. I would suggest you get an objective third party in to talk to about this, whether a counsellor or a therapist. That could make all the difference.

Because when it comes down to it, the security you feel in a relationship should be coming from your own sense of who you are, not who the other person is to you.

letsgomaths Sat 10-Nov-12 21:56:21

(Firstly, I am male!) My answer to the OP would be:... just time. And communication. Lots of it. In a way, some insecurity at the start may be a good thing, because it means you are aware that a relationship may end, rather than being in denial. As the saying goes, "always begin with the end in mind". Seeing through the anxiety may be what is needed, especially if the male partner has the patience to see it through. Being wary of partners who promise too much too soon.

The young lady who is now my DW did not feel secure at all when we first got together, three and a half years ago, she saw no future for us. At the time, she had almost no self esteem: she was recently out of her first relationship with someone who had no sense of responsibility, her own parents divorced, there were a lot of family issues. (We have no children.) When we met, her refrain was "you will be sick of me in six weeks", and whenever she got upset about anything, she would then say "you don't like me any more, do you?" It was very obvious she had "issues", but I decided to persevere with her.

At the start, before we lived together, I promised her nothing, but came to see her regularly, we went out together a lot. Eventually I relocated to move in with her. Although she would get upset from time to time, and her old fears of "being abandoned" would raise their head, I would remind her that it wasn't my spur of the moment decision to move in with her; I planned it very carefully, sold my old flat, moved my business, I would not make such a decision in haste, because I think she is worth it. On one occasion I complimented another woman on her outfit: she got very upset indeed and refused to speak all evening. Overnight she wrote me a long and apologetic note explaining exactly how she felt, how her former partner would totally ignore her to chat to women online, and her instincts got the better of her. (Some might think doing it in writing was a bit peculiar, but when she's upset she won't speak at all, and I think she found it easier that way. She said she could not promise never to be upset again, she could only try not to.) Upsets also happened once or twice when we hardly saw each other for a few days because of work.

All that was more than two years ago; we already have our first wedding anniversary behind us. We see the "jealousy and fear of abandonment" as something we have to live with, although it very rarely shows its head now. I get a bit nervous if I am working a lot and we don't see each other as much, and once I was in another town for several days at a time. We were both rather worried about how this would go, tensions were high beforehand, but afterwards all seemed fine. Sometimes I worry that resentment might be stored up to be spilled later, but I always communicate regularly with DW, ask her how she is feeling, we do many things together.

Notalone Sat 10-Nov-12 23:13:19

coldcoffee- are you sure you are not me <<narrows eyes>>. I am 4.5 months into a new relationship and am experiencing exactly the same angst as you. I think I am in love with this man and am terrified, absolutely terrified he is going to hurt me even though he has given me no indication he is going to do so. He is not great at showing how he feels in words though he does in lots of other ways. But I need to hear it if that makes sense.

For me I don't have much of a family and I very much want the family set up too I am also not very happy in my, albeit good, job, and know this is a major factor too. But feeling like I do is killing mewhich is why I completely understand how you feel.

Do you have a supportive family? And what is this man like? Does he tell you how he feels, is he reliable, loving, affectionate etc or is there something in the way he behaves which makes you feel this way?

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