Driving me mad!! blaming ME for stuff HE'S said/done

[MilkNCereal]

So boyfriend and I have been planning a holiday for next year. It was originally supposed to be a week in Las Vegas and a week in Los Angeles but HE wanted to add New York to it as well. I agreed. Then he's all like "oh 3 different places, 2 different flights, this will be a nightmare" - but he was the one that wanted to do that, not me!
Anyway last night he sent me a link to a villa hire site. I replied and put "oh they look lovely, have you seen any you like the look of?" so he sent me a snotty message back saying we're going to have to compromise somewhere as the cost is spiralling out of control and I can't have it all!! he sent me the bloody link to look at and then has a go at me for liking what's on there???

He does this with other stuff too. He suggests something and then has a go at me for wanting to do it. WTF??

[3littlefrogs]

Why are you with him?

[Cluffyfunt]

It's gas lighting and is abusive and nasty behaviour.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He sounds like a knob to me. I'd kick him to the kerb & find someone else to go on holiday with.

[CailinDana]

This kind of shit only gets worse IME. It's a total headfuck. I'd tell him to bugger off.

[DawnOfTheDee]

How long have you been seeing him?

I'd be tempted to take someone else on holiday with me.

[MilkNCereal]

The good times we have do outweigh this kind of stuff but it's so confusing and really messes with my head. Another example was when we went away for the weekend. My son kept ringing me and being a pain nagging about daft stuff so I turned my phone on silent and told him to text me if it was important. Boyfriend acted all horrified and said "don't be so mean! answer him! talk to the lad!" made me feel all guilty and then half an hour later said "why does he keep ringing you? he's not giving you a break, it's not on" - total 100% contradiction!!

I tell you, it takes up a lot of mental energy this relationship because he'll suggest something and I find myself having to curb my enthusiasm or I'll be in bother. I have to remember to "forget" stuff he's suggested as what he suggests on Friday might not be valid by Saturday morning. I have to wait for him to mention something 2/3 times before I start to think "ah, so he was serious about that one then?" and even then I have to be careful not to be too enthusiastic or I'm "pressuring". God give me strength!

[CailinDana]

That sounds like torture tbh. You should be free to say what you like (within reason!) without having to second guess yourself all the time. Do you think he does it deliberately?

[ClippedPhoenix]

He's projecting and turning "his" frustrations round on you.

Not a nice person OP.

[Bogeyface]

This isnt worth it.

Do the good times really outweigh the total headfuck? Doesnt sound like it to me.

It will get worse, as a pp said as he cant own anything he does. You cant live like this, not knowing from day to day what is real and what isnt.

You may love him, but he isnt any good for you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"God give me strength! "

To do what exactly? The strength to carry on tolerating this bizarre contradictory crap and the unfair criticism that goes with it? Or the strength to tell him were to get off?

[helpyourself]

How long have you been with him and how old is he?
DH used to be a little bit like that re the spending, certainly hasn't been for years as he grew up and felt in control. If he's v young I'd cut him some slack if you want to stay. If he's older, 30+ the money thing is not on. Don't like the son texting reaction either.

[MilkNCereal]

That's the thing Cailin, I'm not sure if he does do it on purpose or not because that would be the deciding factor if I knew.

I want to think that he just gets excited and suggests things and then when he's calmed down - changes his mind. He's said to me in the past to take stuff he says with a pinch of salt but who wants to live like that? Constantly ignoring your partner because you know he talks bullshit?

The last time he accused me of pressuring/rushing him into things was about a month ago (based on me bringing stuff up that HE'D suggested regarding our future) and since then I've kept quiet on everything future related. But now, I feel like I can't talk to him and it's doing my head in.

Like the other day a program was on TV and a couple were getting married and the sentence "would you ever get married again?" popped into my head (genuine, light hearted comment, not meant to be a proposal!" and I stopped myself from saying it because as harmless as I know it to be, I know it would be classed as pressuring.

[CailinDana]

Deliberate or not, you should absolutely not have to censor yourself constantly, particularly when what you're saying is just friendly chat.

Have you ever challenged him on it?

[MilkNCereal]

What do you mean by projecting?

He's 41.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"... and I stopped myself from saying it...."

In a good relationship, you should be able to - within reason - say anything you like at any time, not be constantly self-censoring and second-guessing for fear of a negative reations. If the bizarre way he acts is starting to control and modify your behaviour, treat that as a really bad sign....

[MilkNCereal]

Yes I challenged him (albiet after a few drinks) and told him that I'm sick of him having a go at me for mentioning stuff that was HIS idea. Thats when he told me not to take him too seriously and to take what he says with a pinch of salt.

I remember one conversation in which he said he wanted to live with me. It was a massive, long in depth conversation where he asked me to look at houses in the area I wanted to live in to get some ideas for next year and to send him any that I like and he'd have a look. It certainly wasn't a quick comment that I took out of hand, it was a full serious conversation.

So I went away, spent hours looking on estate agents sites, came up with 2 or 3 houses that looked like they fitted what we would need, sent them to him a week later only for him to say "I can't help feeling like you're rushing me into things, I need to take things slowly and if you can't deal with that, maybe we should split up?"

wtf?? he told me to do that!!!

[CailinDana]

Oh Milk this guy is a total pissant, he really is. That moving in thing is just awful. You shouldn't have to put up with that sort of treatment.

When he said that about the houses, did you mention the conversation you had had?

[MilkNCereal]

It's so upsetting because it makes me feel like a total fool

I did mention it to him, I said "how can you say that when it was YOU that told me to do that??" and he stuttered and said "oh yeah, I did but you know, you shouldn't take me so seriously all the time, I can be a little over enthusiastic".

So - fast forward a few weeks and we're driving past a housing development and he looks across and says "they're nice houses arn't they?" I look and then mutter "yep" and he says "well, I should have enough for a good deposit soon - and, well if we're going to be together we may as well live together, right?"

I couldn't even bring myself to answer him. There was a stoney silence and it's not been mentioned since.

[HellonHeels]

I remember your previous thread about him. Really, how can it possibly be worth the head fuck? The fact that you've felt the need to start two threads about his behaviour in a short space of time suggests he is far too much trouble. As I recall, you got broadly unanimous answers, pretty similar to the ones you're getting here, on your previous thread.

You can't change him, you know. It's a matter of deciding if you want to continue to live like this, second guessing, feeling upset, censoring yourself. You do not have to stay with him. Being single would be far preferable to putting up with this, IMO.

[helpyourself]

He's not a keeper.
By 41 he should know his own mind. He's playing games with you.
Ditch him.

[CailinDana]

So he expects you to judge whether he's "being serious" or not, and if you don't get it right he'll threaten to leave you? That is seriously odd behaviour.

[MilkNCereal]

I often wonder if he's just playing games with me. A few weeks ago he got really, really drunk and started saying stuff like "you want to dump me don't you?" but he had a grin on his face that suggested he was enjoying the drama of the whole thing.

[CailinDana]

The more you say about him the more he's giving me the willies to be honest. He sounds vaguely scary.

[helpyourself]

Just seen the post about the new builds and the deposit. What an idiot. The sad thing is, he probably saw his parents acting like this- powerful dad, mum having to butter him up and play games with housekeeping money. Dad in control and keeping it that way.

You don't owe him an explanation though.

[SarahBumBarer]

Did you post about the estate agent thing here on MN? It sounds familiar...so does the advice you are getting now...