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I found out today I am being accused of physiologicaly abusing my DS's by EX, he's reported me to the poilce,court hearing end of the month

(8 Posts)
rotool Thu 08-Nov-12 21:56:06

I found out today from child services that my EX is accusing me of physiologicaly abusing my DS's ahead of court hearing for residency.
He has put on the court forms that he is their primary carer when in truth he does very little for them. I am gutted, I feel as though I am drowning. He knows I know and is lording it up ( well was until he went out,again).
He is emotionaly abusive and I am trying to get away from him but he refuses to leave although he has somewhere to go and I can't leave as the legal services commission won't grant me legal aid if I do. He has reported me to the police saying he is worried about the emotional impact the seperation is having on the children and is concerned about my mental state.
I am not exaggerating when I say everything he is saying is lies, I am scared because everything he says or I say is only my word against his.
I have contacted womens aid,the NSPCC and the domestic violence unit in the past 12 months. Child services say they are not taking anything he says any further but were surprised the police had not been in contact about his allegations.
I don't feel strong enough to keep fighting, I have friends and my mum for support, also another agency experienced in DA but I feel so alone when he is here.
I don't want to give up but it's hard,so hard.

cestlavielife Thu 08-Nov-12 22:46:45

How old is ds? What do his teachers say?
If there is no proof there is no reason for court to believe him any more than you .
Stay calm and believe in yourself.

ladyWordy Thu 08-Nov-12 22:54:53

Hi rotool. I remember your earlier threads.

Please get in touch with the DV unit again, and Women's Aid, to help you find a way through this. Remember you could stay at a refuge if you need to get out. You don't have to wait for him to act.

Do visit this thread as there are lots of helpful people there who have been through similar
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1606947-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships-13

izzyizin Thu 08-Nov-12 23:00:00

Are you married? Who owns the family home? Is it in your name, his name. or joint names? Is it rented or mortgaged?

With regard to his allegations, if he's accusing you of physiologically abusing your dc he'll be required to provide evidence of their injuries or is he claiming that you are 'psychologically' abusing them?

Iamnotamindreader Thu 08-Nov-12 23:13:16

Lean on the people you need to for support. Gather any evidence you need to refute his claims and appear calm even if you are not. The less of an effect he sees he is having th e more outlandish his claims will get and the larger the holes in his story will get.
You can get through this. You are not alone.

seaofyou Thu 08-Nov-12 23:27:40

Do you take ds to school and home again? If so you can ask teacher to write letter to say you are the main parent who brings ds to school and home again.

What type of physiological abuse as this can be proven with blood tests if your ds is/isn't toxic etc they would have had your ds admitted to hospital for tests by mow though.

When my ex and his mum reported me to SS the first time, I thankfully had kept the abusive emails ex sent me when we split and I was pregnant(God knows why?)....SW said 'it's a good job you kept these!' they were convinced by the dirty rotton lies! It was my only evidence...have you texts/emails showing ex being abusive towards you? These will count too!

You need evidence...did ds ever attend toddler groups even years ago can you get them to say who took ds to the groups or any after school groups he attends and when DS ill taking him to GP who goes? If you ask GP for letter too to clarify this.

NicknameTaken Fri 09-Nov-12 11:29:19

I've been through this. Remember that the wilder the allegations he makes, the more credibility he loses (my ex said DD was covered in bruises and continued to allege this while a doctor and social worker were looking straight at her and could see it wasn't true). It is really not unusual for an ex to make these kind of allegations. The claims have to be investigated, but that doesn't mean they are going to be believed.

Get yourself organised. Have one file where you keep evidence that you are the primary parent - as sea says, ask school/nursery to confirm if you do pick up and drop off. Write down if it is you who brings them to the doctor/dentist and any activities. Keep a diary that shows who has put them to put them to bed, changed nappies or whatever (I don't know how old they are). Even though it's still your word against yours, the diary still helps to portray the care you give to your dcs, stuff that you might forget to say if you are in a meeting with a social worker or someone.

In a second file, keep any evidence of his abuse, whether it is in the form of texts/emails he sent or a record of contacts you have had with WA, NSPCC and others. Write down all the past instances of abuse you can remember, with dates if you can.

All this information is useful in any investigation, but it can also help to prevent you from spiralling into a panic.

I'm surprised that you wouldn't get legal aid if you went to a refuge, for example - can you double-check this point?

The professionals involved are very, very aware of the possibility of false allegations by a malicious ex, particularly one is wants to get residence of the dcs. Keep calm, cooperate, do your utmost to get away from your ex, and you will get through this.

achillea Fri 09-Nov-12 15:29:28

Hi OP, I would definitely look into ways of leaving with the dcs. This is the kind of accusation that will put enormous pressure on you and them and you should not have to put up with it. If you go to a refuge you will get support and they may be able to help you get an exclusion order so he is kept out of the house. Anything will be better than living with this. Do look into it, have a plan and when you feel strong enough, just do it.

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