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Help me work out just what is I'm feeling...amateur psychologists come hither!

(23 Posts)
YouHaveBeenOutbid Thu 08-Nov-12 20:13:39

I've almost posted about my relationship several times but can't work out what to say or what the problem actually is, I just know something is not right. This week, my partner of 6 years has been away for work and it's been bloody brilliant! The house is clean, I've been eating what I like for a change, my 1 year old and I have done loads of quality time things like reading and just having fun, I've had 3 nights of peaceful sleep. I just feel lighter. Happier. I'm not looking forward to him coming back. What's wrong with me? Have I just fallen out of love? I honestly don't know the answer. I don't want to leave him but there's a lack of passion in all aspects of our life together and I don't know how to fix it sad

toldmywrath Thu 08-Nov-12 20:42:06

I don't think you can remain 'in love' forever, but that doesn't mean you no longer love the person. I happen to enjoy time alone without my dp & can get quite annoyed if he comes home early! But I wouldn't contemplate not being with him if you see what I mean.
Some people ( & I'm one of them) enjoy alone time & of course you can please yourself & keep the house cleaner etc.
If you want to stay with your partner then I'm thinking you will have to work at re kindling some passion & this is possible (every relationship goes through its ups & downs)
Not much help but only you can decide what to do next. Take care,

YouHaveBeenOutbid Thu 08-Nov-12 20:47:47

We're definitely not 'in love'. The honeymoon period has long gone. I suggested we try relationship counselling but apparently we don't need it cos everything's fine. Thanks for answering though! More soul searching to be done here I think.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 08-Nov-12 20:56:03

I think you have to work out whether this is 'a change is as good as a rest' or something deeper. I got rid of DH and DD for the weekend and it was nice to have a bath, read a book, lie/sit on the sofa. I did look forward to them both coming home.

YouHaveBeenOutbid Thu 08-Nov-12 21:04:01

See this is what makes me think we've reached the end of the road. I'd happily go another week. A quick straw poll of friends reveals all look forward to partners coming home.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 08-Nov-12 21:06:37

You'd go another week. But what about two weeks, months, years? Do you think you would eventually miss him or just the company?

MooncupGoddess Thu 08-Nov-12 21:06:48

Hmm. Why is it easier to keep the house clean when he's away - does he not help out? And why can't you eat what you like when he's there? And why don't you sleep peacefully when he's there?

Is he, perhaps, a bit of a cock?

dippyDoohdah Thu 08-Nov-12 21:10:03

I don't think people are always that honest about their relationships.its hard when you have a little one and are left alone often.if you don't mind me asking, how do the two of you ahem, interact.cuddles, kisses? bedroom antics? do you still talk and listen to each other?

YouHaveBeenOutbid Thu 08-Nov-12 21:21:20

Mooncup grin you might have summed it up there! The house... I clean up as I go, he doesn't, despite asking nicely, getting angry whatever. If he makes a sandwich when I'm out I know what he,s had as the crumbs etc will be everywhere, the packets sitting on the worktop. He cooks most nights as he reckons its his 'thing' but he over spices and over garlics everything. If I cook 'it's too bland' and he won't eat it or drowns it in nandos sauce before tasting. I like spicy food but his tastes are extreme. He's a bit of an insomniac so fidgets all night. Ah god, I'm starting to sound like a loon. Sorry for rant.

Dippy...there's been no bedroom action for over a year. I decided to wait and see how long it would be if I didn't initiate it. He's always had a very low sex drive.

amillionyears Thu 08-Nov-12 21:29:22

Oh heck.
1 year is a very long time.
Do you think he loves you
Do you love him?

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 08-Nov-12 21:29:34

We have the bad, what about the good? Why were you with him in the first place and what of that still remains?

YouHaveBeenOutbid Thu 08-Nov-12 21:40:41

I do think he loves me. Not for a minute do I think he's getting any elsewhere! I love him in the sense that I want him to be happy. Not sure that's enough. When we first got together we had a brilliant time. On our 2nd date I remember thinking, 'this is amazing, this is what every relationship I've had up till now has been lacking!' We were never short of something to talk about. I loved how he smelled - now I have to persuade him to shower. I feel like I'm mum to a teenage boy sometimes.

amillionyears Thu 08-Nov-12 21:55:48

Agree with other posters by the way about how it is nice when the other half goes away from time to time. But that what is important is how things are when they are around.

It sounds like that for him, everything is ok.

When would you say that things changed for you, or has it been gradual.

LFCisTarkaDahl Thu 08-Nov-12 22:01:28

Living together is really, really difficult. Having the space to think of no one else is lovely sometimes.

It doesn't mean you don't want to be with him - it might mean you want your own bedroom and a bit more space (physically and emotionally) around you.

If my house was bigger I'd happily have my own bedroom (dh woke me last night having an asthma attack and he got back to sleep quick but I didn't).

We happily share the chores but there is still some frustration for me as it's not as clean as I'd like it so I do more. But that's my issue, not his.

In short I'm saying it doesn't mean the end if your relationship but it might mean you need more space.

YouHaveBeenOutbid Fri 09-Nov-12 16:10:25

Thanks everyone that replied. I'm not sure more space is it, I don't think we could get any more space. I wonder if more time together would help. Anyway he'll be home tonight so will just take it from there!

Mayisout Fri 09-Nov-12 16:39:25

You can't change him you can only change yourself (which you hope might make him change his ways). So don't waste time saying to yourself if only he would do x, start thinking about how you can change.

Maybe leave his sandwich making mess indefinitely.

Maybe get twin beds because he fidgets and smells.

Maybe tell him you miss a sex life.

Maybe make your own meals through the week as you don't like what he cooks.

etc

That should at least instigate some discussion.

LaQueen Fri 09-Nov-12 17:03:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

B1ueberryFields Fri 09-Nov-12 17:09:06

Have you only been with this guy a year? not married and no kids?

You can finish it. I know it's not easy though. But if you are quote definitely not in love and prefer to be on your own then I think that it means that grin you would be happier on your own.

So, the pop psychology now. If that much is fairly simple, why is it not obvious that the next step is to finish things? Are you quite conservative deep down and fear being single, not actually being single but fear what people would make of it? You want the social validation of being part of a couple?. You want people to think you are happy in love (even if you're not).

Any of that strike a chord?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 09-Nov-12 17:20:33

"I don't want to leave him but there's a lack of passion in all aspects of our life together and I don't know how to fix it"

Why is there this need within you to fix it?. Its already broken and has been failing now for a long time. He thinks everything is fine, well it is for him because you're there to clear up after him and pretend that all is well with you.

You are not there to fix or rescue someone who does not want your help and you cannot fix a relationship on your own. Why do you feel the need to fix this, what need in you does this man meet?. Being a people pleaser has been your downfall, put you first for a change.

What do you get out of this relationship?. Please do not tell me that he is a good dad and that he provides. I want to know what YOU feel when you see this person, what you feel about him now.

It seems like you are simply together out of habit and perhaps even cosicetal convention; he is happy because he has found some person i.e you to look after him and act as maid/housemate.

You've been a lot happier this week without having him around. That speaks untold volumes.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. You want your child to model this dysfunctional pattern of a relationship as an adult?. No you may well reply. But that is what you and this man are modelling to this child, you are currently showing your child that this is acceptable to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 09-Nov-12 17:22:16

"I love him in the sense that I want him to be happy"

That is a typical people pleaser type response. Does your own happiness and emotional well being not matter as much?.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. To not value yourself enough and people please?.

springyspring Fri 09-Nov-12 17:29:31

erm, what is the relationship running on, fresh air? If you're not having any sex and ... well that's it really. I was going to add more on the list but it stops with the no sex. It's not as if you've talked about it. He's sounds like a pain tbh. some people don't know when they're lucky (him, that is). He ought to try being single for a few years to appreciate having a partner and child.

I'd insist on the relationship course. He thinks there's nothing wrong, you do. INsist.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 09-Nov-12 17:59:03

"Ah god, I'm starting to sound like a loon."
Er, no, you're not. You sounded like someone identifying practical problems.

YouHaveBeenOutbid Fri 09-Nov-12 20:49:59

Lots of food for thought there. Thanks again all.

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