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Relationship falling apart since LO arrived(16 Posts)
Our relationship has started to fall apart since LO arrived. We constantly aruge and things just have not been the same. We were so in love prior to LOs arrival now we feel he is driving a wedge between us :-(
My OH gets very frustrated at LO as he always cries at him all my OH wants is for LO to accept him but he seems to have something agaist his own father.
Thing is i hate it when my OH gets angry with LO as its horrible to witness. My OH does not and never would hurt his son but he stomps around and will be in a foul mood for days.
Is there anywhere we can get help or is this just going to end up being another broken relationship :-(
How old is your baby? Maybe the baby is sensing the anger, the father needs to chill out and find a way to conect with the baby. Feed, put to sleep, go for a walk with the baby facing him in a push chair, hold him gently and sing lullabies. Maybe try baby massage class.
Baby is just over 3 months old and wont let his father do anything that invovles picking him up. :-(
How about other people. Does the baby reacts the same way to other people?.
Do you have a parent facing pram? Put the baby awake in it and let the father push it with the baby. Father can talk/sing to the baby and smile a lot to him too. Than try one of those baby carriers. You both can lie down on bed with baby in the middle and the father can play with him, caress etc..than you can leave the bedroom and let them bond
I have a 13 week old DS and a DP who works away during the week. DP is really hands on when he comes home but often gets frustrated as DS sometimes cries a lot. It's difficult from my point of view as I always want to step in and tell DP what he is doing 'wrong' as I know DSs' routine and how he likes to be held/ fed etc. I try hard to let DP muddle through with him. They get used to each other eventually. DP also has a baby carrier, which is fab. He also helps with bath and bed routine, and feeds DS whenever he can. Try not to step in, let your DP work it put to a point. Their bond will grow x
Sorry I wasn't shouting then! I was trying to correct my grammar in my last post! That looks like I was shouting at you to 'work it out!' sorry !!
I'm sorry that I can't offer any specific advice but I just wanted to say that my relationship with my DP went VERY awry after our first LO. I look back and wonder how we survived it at all! But things get better, and hopefully, by communicating properly, you'll get through it.
"all my OH wants is for LO to accept him but he seems to have something agaist his own father."
OK, that's ridiculous.
This is a 3 month old baby. He doesn't "accept" anyone or hold grudges.
I would usually say to just let his Dad look after him and they'd find their own way, but I worry that a man so impatient and childish wouldn't care for the baby properly.
I'm concerned that you describe it as the baby rejecting him. It is not the baby, the baby is three months old, the baby reacts to not controls situations. You cannot be stompy and sulky and angry and blame a baby when it doesn't provide you with the response you would like. You need to recognise that getting the response you would like requires patient investment into the baby and sometimes even then you will not get it because the child is a vulnerable dependent not a piece of entertainment. Your job as the parent is to look after the baby whether it cried or coos is irrelevant.
"Thing is i hate it when my OH gets angry with LO as its horrible to witness. My OH does not and never would hurt his son but he stomps around and will be in a foul mood for days."
That's just crappy behaviour. It's particularly bad to blame a baby for crying but, in principle, it doesn't matter if it's a baby, a dog or a Ford Fiesta that he's annoyed about. Stomping around and foul moods are for stroppy, immature teenagers, not grown men. You have to tell him to control his temper, stop blaming a tiny baby for doing what tiny babies tend to do and stop subjecting you to arguments and this sulky, angry, childish rubbish. As for bonding... his behaviour is making it very difficult for you to trust him with the baby. It's something else worth pointing out....
All new parents are tired. All babies go through the full gamut of emotions on a fairly regular basis. The first few months are very much a matter of muddling through best you can until the fog clears. If you're lucky enough to have a partner, you support each other. This is the time to put personal needs to one side, not the time to be selfish.
I got my DP a book called something like " A Dad's guide to Baby's first year", written by a man and with loads of very useful ideas to bond, play etc.... I highly recommend it, I read it too and found it more useful than anything else I read.
It's very normal for dads to feel left out at first, I had several long chats with my DP where I explained that in the early days baby will want to be with mummy, especially when they are that little they can't even undertsand that mummy is a different person, they think they are one with you and love your smell and touch. However, DS will want in a few years time to be with daddy and do "boy" things witohut mummy, then later he will want to be with his friends. There's a time for everything and your DH needs to be patient and try to subtly step into his son's live... Your baby will leanr to develop relationships with a multitude of people and his dad needs ot take the lead from baby as to how quickly this will happen.
Just to add that from my experience it's normal for a young baby not to be as happy with its father as with its mother - I assume you're the one spending most time with the baby? Mine went through a stage of crying every time DH picked him up and it was heartbreaking for DH. You need to sit your OH down and explain to him very gently that the baby is just reacting to being away from you, it isn't personal and it certainly isn't a sign that he hates his father. The best thing you can do is let your OH do as much as possible, even if you think you'd do it better/faster yourself, as that will help build the bond between them.
Having a baby puts an enormous strain on a relationship, especially in the early days. Try to give yourselves a break.
"it was heartbreaking for DH"
How did the heartbreak manifest itself mycatlikestwiglets? Did he constantly argue with you, stomp around and go into a foul mood for days in a way that was 'horrible to witness'? ..... I bet he didn't.
Firstly, make sure you're prioritizing the baby over your H. He is an adult and can look after himself. Early parenthood is hard, but unfortunately it's also a time when arsehole men show their true colours, and what you've posted about yours doesn't sound very promising: he's resentful, he's angry, he's sulky, he's unhelpful. Have a think about your relationship prior to the baby's arrival: was it really wonderful or were things fine as long as H got his own way?
Some men are simply incapable of putting anyone else ahead of themselves; they think that women exist solely to meet their needs, that they are Head Of The Household and that they should be the top priority at all times. IF yours is like this, things may not get better and may get worse, so tell him to get a grip and if he doesn't, then start thinking about getting rid of him.
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