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Worried that I'm going to confuse DD by telling her mummy has a girlfriend........

(18 Posts)
amibi Thu 08-Nov-12 09:51:46

Morning everyone

Ok, so I know I am going to have to tell her at some point, but she's only 5 and she really doesn't know anything about gay or lesbian relationships.

I have posted on here before about falling in love with a woman and it's got to the stage where I can't bear to be apart from her. She has said she will move to be closer to me, but accepts that it will take time to be introduced to my DD. It would be a gradual process. It will be a big enough shock that her mummy and daddy are breaking up and I can't help but feel like i'm acting like a terrible, selfish mother.

I haven't been in love with dp for years, but we still live together. He doesn't want to let me go, but I have been honest about my feelings for this woman. It really is a mess tbh. I love him and always will, but when i'm around her, I feel alive and happy, which I haven't felt for a very long time. I am only 28 and I feel like I have been just accepting that I am in a unhappy relationship for the sake of our DD and I assumed that because I know i'll always love him. When he kisses me, I freeze and it just feels wrong now. When she kisses me, I melt and I feel this rush of love running through me which is far too intense to ignore. She has made me realise that I had never really been in love before.

My family wouldn't accept this, I know, but obviously my main concern is how my DD will cope. Am I being selfish? Should I just walk away and go through the pain? I guess DD would have that very important feeling of security. She is my number one and she will always come first, but I can't see how, in the long run, it wouldn't damage her. She is bound to pick up how unhappy I am. She already hears us arguing sometimes and it makes me feel awful for her. She doesn't deserve any of this.

Please, I don't know what to do. The idea of walking away from this woman is absolutely devestating, but the thought that I could potentially be damaging my dd is worse obviously.

Any advice please ladies. Really am desperate.

Thank you

ThatBastardBabyJesus Thu 08-Nov-12 10:00:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-Nov-12 10:01:59

You and your DP have to part... that's pretty obvious. He may not want to let you go but what point is there in staying in a relationship when it's totally wrong? If you live to the average age of women in the UK you're looking at another 55 years of this.... how does that appeal?

As for your DD, 5yo children are not sexual beings. If mummy has a female friend, mummy has a female friend. Most mummies have female friends, don't they? She won't think you have sex with each other any more than she thinks you have sex with your DP. She will know about the unhappiness and arguments, however, and that's not a pleasant environment to grow up in.

She'll cope the way all other children cope with parents that live apart.... as well as you enable her to cope.

dampfireworksinthegarden Thu 08-Nov-12 10:05:58

I don't want to seem harsh, but the feelings you are describing are exactly those of someone in the first flush of an affair. you love this woman deeply, however, the most important thing is to deal with your marraige first. focus on what is going to happen there.
whether you are gay / straight is in one way immaterial; you need to decide what is going to happen in the here and now before you make long term plans to introduce a new partner to your dd.

CailinDana Thu 08-Nov-12 10:08:31

It really doesn't matter that your new partner is woman, that won't mean anything to your DD, she's far too young. But having your DP move out and introducing your new partner shortly after might be too much for her. You need to handle it really carefully. Get her used to the idea that daddy will be living somewhere else before you complicate it with a new relationship. She will accept your partner, with time, but it has to be at her own pace.

There's really no point in staying with someone you don't love, your DD won't thank you for it. The main thing is that you handle the situation as sensitively as possible.

amibi Thu 08-Nov-12 10:15:12

Thank you

I suppose really I just worry how she'll cope in general. She has certain social issues shall we say and so she can struggle with change. She's got to the stage where she's constantly asking why me and dp aren't married and she will physically push us together cos she wants us to "kiss like a prince and princess". It feels like a dagger through the heart to hear how desperate she already is to keep us together.

I don't come from a 'broken' home and I hate that expression, but nobody in my family have split up once they have children. They are all still together. My parents have just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary and are borderline homophobic. I am very close to them, but i'm genuinely not sure how our relationship would survive this. I think they would just think it's a choice which i've made and I should just walk away. Obviously this is secondary compared to dd's reaction to it all, but it would still be terrible to think I wouldn't have their support, which i'm almost certain I wouldn't.

Just wish I knew what the right thing to do was.

Really appreciate all the advice though.

Redknickerswillstoptrains Thu 08-Nov-12 10:16:05

Slow down,you sound like you are totally in lust,you need to sort things out with your partner before you can have any sort of honest,open relationship with someone(man or woman)
It is way to soon to even think about introducing a new person to your daughter and anyway at the moment she is just a person you are having an affair with.
If you don't slow things down,this relationship is probably doomed before it's really got started,think about how this woman is feeling ,moving,possible step daughter,previous partner ,you have lots of issues to sort before you run off into the sunset.
I hope it all works out for you,your daughter and soon to be ex partner,good luck

CailinDana Thu 08-Nov-12 10:18:40

You can't live your life according to what other people think or want. I know it'a hard to go against the norm in your family, but it's you that has to live this life day to day, not them.

You seem unsure about leaving your DP - have your feelings changed for him only since you've met the other woman or has this been going on longer?

Mumsyblouse Thu 08-Nov-12 10:24:38

Perhaps your daughter is already picking up on the ambivalence between you and your partner, although to be honest, mine also loved to hear about when mummy and daddy got married and to see us holding hands, it seems to be part of the process of working out what relationships are, how other people's are different (e.g. who has a daddy, who hasn't-we've been all through how everyone has a daddy even if they don't live with them and so on).

I think you need to sort out your marriage, and only then, once you properly separated (which might be devastating for her), think about whether you and this other woman are really destined to be together forever. You don't have to introduce her yet, and if you do, just say this is my new friend.

Having said that, I also think children are very flexible thinkers, and by 7 and 9, both mine know what a gay relationship is and that some people marry or have partners of the same sex. I have spoken to them about this in some depth because at school, being 'gay' is often used as an insult, or remarks are made, and we have also see things about gay people on telly (e.g. the Gay Rabbit Tv channel listing!)- so we have talked about gay marriage/gay relationships in a fairly light but positive way. I don't see why you can't do the same, indeed I think you'll have to be open and chatty about it because your dd may get ignorant remarks at school.

Your biggest problem is that you are still married, having a relationship with another person. This needs sorting out.

AnEerieAirOfHorror Thu 08-Nov-12 10:31:39

This is your second post on this issue isnt it?

You seem to want people on here to give you the go ahead to have an affair.

If your not happy in your marrage, end it and get all the legal, financial and child care arrangments out of the way before you introduce your child to any new partners, yours or your husbands.

I dought anyone will care who your new partner is as long as your child is happy, loved and well cared for and your child will just want you and dad to be happy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-Nov-12 10:52:35

The OP isn't married... Any separation would simply depend on agreement between her and her DP. As for the family homophobia... am I right in thinking you're from an asian background?.... you could talk to local GLBT support groups in your area and seek some advice.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 08-Nov-12 13:06:37

Your daughter is 5. Although she might not like change,she will adapt. If you have a girlfriend,she will accept it. I think the worst thing you could do is hide said girlfriend for years and then tell her because it would come across as you were ashamed.

Growing up with obviously unhappy parents is far worse than growing up with separated ones in my personal opinion. My parents separated and I cannot imagine my family without my step dad. I can easily imagine how unhappy both my parents would have made each other had they stayed together "for the children".

You need to leave your DP firstly and then take things slowly with this woman. Because it is a new relationship,give it time to see how it's progressing. I would give it at least 6 months minimum before introducing her to DD. That would be the same if it was another man you were in love with by the way. It is important not only to ensure your feelings are long lasting (not just lust) and also to ensure your daughter feels stable in the new family set up.

puds11 Thu 08-Nov-12 13:14:39

I think that introducing a new partner to a child is going to be difficult no matter what their sex.

However, when your parents are happy, whether that be together or apart, the positivity rubs off on the child.

I think the most important thing to do is to maintain a decent level of communication with your DD's dad.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 08-Nov-12 14:26:45

I remember your previous post about this. I agree your DD's feeling of security and well being is very important but you have to discuss what happens next with your DP. Are you 3 still living under your parents' roof? Does DP know the extent of your feelings for your gf?

You yourself said before, when it comes to upheaval and a new partner, their gender is almost irrelevant, your child will adapt, if you and DP keep her stability paramount.

amibi Thu 08-Nov-12 14:46:35

Cogito, no I don't come from Asian background. I come from very conservative, closed minded background. They both believe that sexuality is a choice and that if sou have gay feelings, you should just bury them and have a 'normal' life. When ever they saw anything on tv about same sex relationships, they would both cringe and say how much they didn't like it. When it comes to children, they don't think that they should be exposed to it. I never agreed with them obviously, but I never thought it would be an issue for me anyway, because although i've always been attracted to women occasionally, I would have never thought I could ever be in a relationship with one. So this is all very new to me.

Alis, I actually had 6 months in my head actually. I wouldn't want to do it any sooner and my gf actually really understands that.

Donkey, actually dp does know the extent of my feelings. We are only really living together because we don't have any other options right now, but we're not really a couple.

defineme Thu 08-Nov-12 14:57:29

You need to sort out splitting up with your dp and then have some time just you and dd before you consider introducing a special friend.
What plans do you have for your dp moving out or you moving out?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-Nov-12 15:01:41

"When ever they saw anything on tv about same sex relationships, they would both cringe and say how much they didn't like it"

There's a big difference between what people say about random strangers on a TV programme and how they react when it's their own flesh and blood. IME parents, when given the chance to do the right thing, can often surprise you. Be careful you're not guilty of being 'closed minded' by assuming they'll reject you.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 08-Nov-12 15:49:55

OP - great minds think alike? smile

I understand you are worried about how your family will react. I would be a bit too,just because it would be a bit of a shock. But I believe they would accept it quite quickly if it was obvious I was happy. As indeed they have with regard to my OH who they were not happy about at all initially (not related to gender).

I think your family would be the same. They might say "gay people should just carry on a 'normal' life" but when it's their own daughter,sister,granddaughter they are very very likely to feel differently.

But if you don't tell them,you will never know. If you do tell them,give them time to adjust and make damn sure they know exactly how much happier you are with this woman.

Wish you all the best,I really think you must so what makes you happy. You are only 28 and have spent too long being unhappy. Life is too short to live it in a way that makes you miserable.

It must be very difficult at the moment for both yourself and DP to have to continue to life together because there are no alternatives at present.

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