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Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

(1000 Posts)
CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 08-Nov-12 09:10:14

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships. heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 08-Nov-12 09:10:52

Phew! That seems to have worked. Huge thanks to fool as usual for setting this thread up - what would we do without it?

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 08-Nov-12 09:22:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 08-Nov-12 09:43:41

hilde, I got the same sick feeling in my stomach reading that first text that I do when fw comes in the door or says something to sour the atmosphere. My fw would say all that. Disappointment is his key weapon of control, as it was for his dfather.

I cheered when I read your message to him last night to reread your email - perfect response, I thought.

This morning, I waved off the dcs at the gate. They were off to school in fw's (hire) car, as fw is taking dd1 to an appointment so I can go to counselling. It's ages since he's taken them to school. Two of them were in tears at going with him instead of me. One other was very quiet and uncooperative. Fortunately it was dd1 who was not bothered! And fw's response? Emotional blackmail: "this is not very nice for Daddy, is it? Poor Daddy feels very unwanted." angry

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 08-Nov-12 09:54:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 08-Nov-12 10:01:21

I did try to say something, but the dcs were crying too loudly for it to be heard! Which would be funny if it wasn't distressing.

My attitude for most of the 9 years we've had dcs is to keep them away from him as much as possible. And when he was late home last night, I kept imagining a phone call from the hospital, "Bad news, you'd better come quickly..." - and I realised just how often I'd had that fantasy over the years. Pretty screwy way to live, huh? And yet it's taken me so long to get to the point where I can think about leaving, because he's convinced me I'm the one with the problem, or if not, he ain't gonna change anyway, so I'd better do the changing to accommodate him. Think I'm going to be sad for the wasted years when I do get out.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 08-Nov-12 10:16:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PillarBoxRedRoses Thu 08-Nov-12 10:48:01

"BTW I am not angry with you, I am just disappointed, but as I have caused our current separation it's not your fault."

Such a typical EA thing to say! Well done for not responding.

ponygirlcurtis Thu 08-Nov-12 13:33:16

Oooooh, hang on, there seem to be two Number 13 threads...

Oh no! What to do?????

foolonthehill Thu 08-Nov-12 13:41:00

OK this thread did not turn up on my list so bin the other one and use this one I will get the foolish one deleted.

foolonthehill Thu 08-Nov-12 13:42:47

Pony's post from the other thread
Talked to NSDH a little last night when dropping the boys off for dinner, said I was knocked for six by his bulimia. He couldn't understand why initially (after all why would anything to do with him have any impact on me??? ), but I soon put him straight! He talked a bit about it, said that he is starting to recognise some of the negative thoughts he has that lead to assumptions and negative emotions, like all the times he would get jealous over me speaking to anyone else male. He's not thrown up for over a week now. He says he going to stop drinking altogether (although he's said this before...). He seems calmer. But I am still wary - he asked if I'd like to come to dinner on Saturday with him and the girls, but I politely declined. I still find myself jumpy around him - it was heaving it down with rain yesterday and he came out with an umbrella for getting the boys in from the car. But I felt uncomfortable standing so close to him under the umbrella, and when I was getting DS2 out of his car seat NSDH was standing pressed against me so the umbrella covered us & DS2, and I felt... weird. I didn't want him to be so close, it felt threatening (even though he wasn't being threatening in any way, being protective if anything). Yet, I can still lie in bed at night and wish he was there to give me a cuddle and a nice brain-scrambling kiss. Spag-heady.

Hope everyone is doing ok today. I need to go back and check, but has anyone heard from Maggie since she's been at her mum's? Hope she's chilling out and getting looked after.

foolonthehill Thu 08-Nov-12 13:45:59

still think you should all listen to this though!!!!

ponygirlcurtis Thu 08-Nov-12 13:50:36

Thanks fool!!!! [star] There so should be a star emoticon, though, it's definitely needed.

ponygirlcurtis Thu 08-Nov-12 13:54:42

hilde, NSDH has used 'disappointed' to try and manipulate me as well, specifically over access to DS2 - ie any time I haven't done exactly as he wants, he's 'disappointed' that I'm behaving that way/being like that/deciding to keep his son from him. It's just another tactic designed to get you to cave and toe the party line. Glad you can see that!

And, I also thought a lot about how I would feel if I go that phonecall. It's a horrible state of affairs to find yourself in when that's what you're thinking. Stay strong Charlotte, and remember that you don't need his permission to leave, you don't need to keep trying - he sure wont - you can just decide that you are miserable and therefore it's time to stop.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 08-Nov-12 14:28:27

Sorry to confuse things by starting the thread, fool - just wanted to rant, really, and used that energy to cut and paste the links and get the new thread started!

TheSilverPussycat Thu 08-Nov-12 17:39:47

Just checking in. Still happy!

foolonthehill Thu 08-Nov-12 17:48:20

No worries charlotte...all sorted now MN towers have zapped the other thread so we will avoid confusion...and now I know someone else has the thread starter grin...if you saved it that is?????

Shriek Thu 08-Nov-12 18:06:42

this was my last posting last night (Only joined on thread 12, so didn't really don't about a possible thread 13 - indeed Hilde lucky!):

really sad to say ginga u gotta stop hopin as it will be the same for as many weeks as you can hang in there.

U are one amazin person being a brilliant loving mother and putting up with relentless sh1t regardless of what FW says!!!

You have such better and more rewarding things to do than listen to him. a good rule to live by is : keep him out of earshot at all costs - its the path to happiness smile they should signs that say 'keep away from dangerous path'

peaceful nite to all xxx

Keep ignoring any replies Hilde well done. (poor me, poor me, poor me! - he's an adult and will have to manage his 'poor me's', how about poor you!

and yeah, Charlotte shame your reply couldn't be heard over the wails of your children, 'daddy might feel upset, but daddies not a child and supposed to be a big boy that has learnt to manage his own feelings so that he can help the children with theirs!!!!! (very sorry 'arshle' ha ha!).

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 08-Nov-12 18:23:57

Er, no - didn't think to save it until after I'd posted it! grin

redrighthand Thu 08-Nov-12 20:16:59

Constant grumpiness and one word answers, never instigates a conversation and snaps when I ask if everything is alright. Is this EA? I know from my last thread that H is controlling but I wondered if this was part of it. He's more than capable of putting on an act for anyone else who is near by, in the pub or friends etc but when it's just us it's such hard work.

tigrisrundry Thu 08-Nov-12 21:06:04

Hi everyone. Can I join you?

I post before under the name of Iamgoingnow, I fled from an abusive relationship in Iraq under a week ago, I have now changed my name as I have already gone!

I have suffered a great deal of physical, verbal, emotional, financial and sexual abuse at the hands of my husband and physical and verbal abuse from his family.

I am so relieved to be out of this situation, I can actually rest easily at night now. I feel myself mourning the loss of the man I married even though he had long since vanished behind the man he had become.

I am also struggling with the some things I have done.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 08-Nov-12 21:10:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 08-Nov-12 21:12:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSilverPussycat Thu 08-Nov-12 21:27:39

hilde pm'd you

foolonthehill Thu 08-Nov-12 22:01:21

hi red and tigris (love that name and so glad that you got out..was hoping and praying for you)

have a read of the stuff at the top of the thread. Keep posting and talking. This is a gentle place to come and I can guarantee that whatever you have suffered, done, experienced or feel there will be support, information and a lot of hand holding here.

Red: the links will help you decide but for EA the most important thing is how you feel in the relationship...what has happened to your personality? Are you yourself but just ground down and tired and fed up and out of love (a bad relationship)? Or are you in a mind mess, double thinking in 1984 style, second guessing your DP, walking on eggshells, doubting yourself with self confidence at rock bottom and he's sending you further and further down...that's EA and when it's mixed with control issues a very very toxic situation.

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