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oh said that he wanted to push a glass into my face

(48 Posts)
ivenamechangedforthisone Wed 07-Nov-12 23:11:17

This happened about 18 months ago. We were arguing (about something minor) and he got really cross, picked up a glass (we were sitting next to one another on the sofa) and said that he wanted to smash it and shove it into my face.

He didn't, and has never been obviously violent (has slapped my hand away from something twice, occasionally pushes me but not hard).

I don't know how normal or unusual this is.

He said that he didn't know why he said it - just that he was really angry at the time.

This was 18 months ago but I keep thinking about it.

ManifestingMingeHooHoosAgain Wed 07-Nov-12 23:12:44

It's not normal at all.

'occasionally pushes me' isn't normal either.

sad

shine0ncrazydiamond Wed 07-Nov-12 23:15:01

It's very normal in a violent abusive relationship, yes.

ivenamechangedforthisone Wed 07-Nov-12 23:16:42

the pushing is very occasional (but recent)

hildebrandisgettinghappier Wed 07-Nov-12 23:18:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivenamechangedforthisone Wed 07-Nov-12 23:22:46

Because he just said this once, and just said that he "wanted to" - ie it wasn't a threat - I keep thinking that I should just let it go and forget it.

ledkr Wed 07-Nov-12 23:24:10

Occasional pushing is no less severe than frequent pushing and people do not push each other in normal life.

ledkr Wed 07-Nov-12 23:25:03

Not do they threaten to glass people

FannyFifer Wed 07-Nov-12 23:26:22

What is his reason for pushing you?

Not normal behaviour at all.

BreeVanDerTramp Wed 07-Nov-12 23:27:24

I couldn't forget that, it would have me on edge sad

It's not ok to be pushed, what did he slap you away from?

ladyWordy Wed 07-Nov-12 23:35:06

It was a threat. The unspoken words were: 'If you upset me I feel like this. So don't upset me. Or else.'

He was also priming you up to check your reaction. You let it go, so now he's doing just what hilde said - escalating.

Note that the hand slapping is a blatant form of control - 'I will decide what you can have/pick up' etc.

Don't expect it to improve. It will get worse (sorry).

ivenamechangedforthisone Wed 07-Nov-12 23:47:46

what did he slap you away from?
I went to adjust the volume on the car radio and he slapped my hand away saying that he thought I was going to grab the wheel. Only the knob was on my side (ie no where near the wheel) and (obviously) I've never grabbed any part of the car when he (or anyone else) is driving and wouldn't dream of doing so.

He didn't push me for a reason. He was shouting and pushed past me to get away.

I am concerned that it is escalating.

He used to lose his temper badly every few weeks - he'd shout and swear loudly at me, screwing his face up and sticking it really close to mine. I'd then make a fuss and he'd even apologise and all would be fine until the next time. He has stopped doing this (the face screwing and getting close) but he now shouts very crossly about once a day. If I try to discuss this he just walks off and will not speak to me. If we are talking and he thinks that I have raised my voice, been critical etc he either shouts or walks off - he will say things like "I refuse to talk to you whilst you are shouting like this" (when I'm unaware that I am talking loudly - I could be but I don't think so). Or he'l walk off and say that he will come back when I am prepared to be rational etc.

We have 3 children who adore him.

olgaga Wed 07-Nov-12 23:51:29

I think you know you need to get away from him. What is your housing/financial situation? You might find this useful. I'll check back in the morning...

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
https://www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
https://www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break – if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

ivenamechangedforthisone Thu 08-Nov-12 00:28:38

thank you for the information smile

we are not married (which I know is a problem) but I have always managed all of our finances. The house is in both our names as are most of the savings (the ones that are not are in my name).
There are some shares though, in his name and he is the only one with a pension (and we have paid a lot into that).

I work FT. The main problem will be the children and access I think. He will want custody at least some of the time but will also want to share childcare as we both sometimes work away. He earns about twice what I earn but I'm not so bothered about that.

cronullansw Thu 08-Nov-12 03:26:50

Hmm, interesting.

Yet again MN exhibits double standards. A little while ago a DW threatened, at a party, in a low, deliberate hiss, to stab her DH in the eye. General MN consensus was supportive, and yet, see the gender reverse and the OP is being encouraged and guided to LTB.

ripsishere Thu 08-Nov-12 03:42:12

I never saw the thread you are comparing cronullansw. It matters not.
I can only comment on what's in front of me now.
IMO, the OP should think seriously about where she sees this relationship in 6 months, a year, 15 years...............
I wouldn't be hanging around to even see the six month development.

Jojoba1986 Thu 08-Nov-12 03:51:37

How long have you been together? If you have 3 DC together then I'm assuming that 18 months ago wasn't near the start of your relationship? Has he always had a quick temper or is this a change for him? I agree that this behaviour is unacceptable but not necessarily a reason to be running for the hills immediately! Try waiting until he seems calm & reasonable & gently voice your concerns to him. Maybe start the conversation with something like 'I've noticed you seem particularly stressed recently...' or maybe 'There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about but I don't want to upset you...' & make sure you stay calm & clearly explain how you feel using phrases such as 'I feel' & 'I get scared' rather than the more accusatory 'You did X,Y,Z...' You never know, he might just not have realised how his behaviour has been affecting you!

Of course, if he flies of the handle at that or his behaviour continues to escalate then I'll be joining the LTB gang! It's got to be worth a try though! smile

OpheliaPayneAgain Thu 08-Nov-12 06:02:11

Im with jojo, unless of course, you actually want to leve him and the only significant thing you can think of happened 18 months ago and you you want us to tell you what you want to hear?

is it necessary to post all the refuge and solicitors advice on every thread?

TantrumsAndBalloons Thu 08-Nov-12 06:25:25

Why not post the advice on every thread?

Its valuable information.

It's information that might help people escape an abusive relationship, what's the problem with posting it?

OpheliaPayneAgain Thu 08-Nov-12 06:38:45

on every thread?

CailinDana Thu 08-Nov-12 06:39:27

Does he push his mother? His work colleagues? His boss? No? Just you then?

Why is that I wonder.

Offred Thu 08-Nov-12 06:47:51

Yes every thread ophelia because each op is an individual who may not have read the olgaga info post and who may find it useful as may any legion of lurker a drawn to each post. If you don't need it there is no harm in it being there but if you do and it isn't posted it won't help. The more often the better for me.

Offred Thu 08-Nov-12 06:50:15

Op it does sound like an escalation and like it has been going on a long time, it often starts around pg. I think it also sounds like he is gaslighting you with all the "you are shouting" and storming off which is making you question reality of you own behaviour instead of the reality of his own (bad) behaviour.

Lueji Thu 08-Nov-12 07:04:46

It's not posted for your benefit, Ophelia.

Or mine.

It's for each op.

So sorry, op.
He has told you what he wants to do.
The usual advice is to believe what a man tells you and listen to him.

The screaming and stop talking are abusive, as is his gaslighting.
And one day, he may well do what he said he would. sad

He may be put in check and "behave" for a while, but he is violent and disrespectful of you.
And if that's how he behaves, he doesn't love you.

In a way, because you are not married it is easier to split.
You'll have to pay close attention to the children, because they could become the next targets.

Offred Thu 08-Nov-12 07:08:24

And I think op if you have taken the glass thing as a threat it is a threat isn't it?

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