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pushing the boundaries - how far would you go?

(15 Posts)
overbythere Wed 07-Nov-12 22:54:06

I can't really believe I am writing this but here goes. I am separated after a 12 year marriage and three children which went badly wrong and I have been through a tough time. I am still recovering and things are still difficult for me on a daily basis.

A few months ago I met a guy and we have been seeing each other casually. It was promising to begin with but developed into a very sexual relationship and not a lot else. I was so delighted to meet someone I was attracted to that I didn't even mind not going out and doing normal things.

Anyway, we have been sending flirty/sexual texts and now he is suggesting a threesome/foursome (yes you read it right!) I don't know if I really would but part of me wants to push the boundaries. I think you only have one life, why not? I feel like doing reckless things and I am tired of being sensible.

I know that letting your hair down is a natural response to the traumatic breakdown of a marriage.

I am expecting everyone to tell me I am being ridiculous to even contemplate this. But is there anyone who would say go for it, live dangerously? Sort my head out for me please!

shine0ncrazydiamond Wed 07-Nov-12 23:13:34

Well, I wouldn't go for it because it's not my thing. However, you're not me. If you fancy it and are fully on board then yes, go for it.

If you have any doubts whatsoever < and you may well be, as you've posted this thread > then don't do it.

Ultimately, only you can make the call. You say you ' don't mind not going out and doing normal things ... ' Is that don't mind or accepting of a situation that has been decided for you?

Again, only you know.

ivenamechangedforthisone Wed 07-Nov-12 23:21:32

I think that it depends on how you feel about him. It sounds a bt like he is more into the sex than the rest of the relationship. If you are fine with this, and fnacy a foursome then I'd go for it. But if you are getting attached to him emotionally and this is influencing your decision then I would not.

izzyizin Wed 07-Nov-12 23:25:56

As only you know where your head is at, onlly you can sort it out.

So where is your head at? Is it firmly screwed on or slightly unhinged?

Would this 3some consist of 2 guys making love to you or is it designed to fullill one of his fantasisies?

I'm getting the feelling that although the sex may be good, you don't 'like' your current fuck buddy very much. If this is the case do be careful as you may feel demeaned or degraded after the event particularly if the 3rd or 4th person is not 'simpatico', so to speak.

In other words there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeking to explore/push sexual boundaries, but you're best advised to call your own shots and do it on your terms rather than be a bit player in another writer's script.

Btw, throwing all caution to the wind and having sex with random males sans condoms would fall within the remit of behaving in a downright stupid manner rather than givng way to the siren's call of thowing caution to the wind - subsequently discovering that you have recklessly endangered your health for the sake of shag is a place to be avoided.

izzyizin Wed 07-Nov-12 23:29:55

fantasisies? WTF! fantasies - just make sure they're yours as well as his and if the idea of being third mate on his good ship suck my lollipop doesn't do it for you, don't sign up for the trip.

Hatpin Wed 07-Nov-12 23:31:34

Be very, very careful.

First off, you have settled for sex with this man even though initially you wanted more.

Now he suggests this. It was his idea.

He's pushing your boundaries to see what you will / won't accept.

I think this is making you feel slightly uncomfortable, hence your post.

If you have any doubt, do NOT do it.

Teabagtights Wed 07-Nov-12 23:54:21

He is using you to fulfil his fantasies if you are happy to be used for sex then go for it. Has to be no emotions involved though. Personally I'd tell the fucker if he wants that to go pay for it.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Thu 08-Nov-12 00:34:31

Well, I like group sex myself. It's fun, at least to me, and to quite a lot of people - just not everyone. However, trying it won't turn you green or make the neighbours burn you as a witch.
However, if you don't fancy the idea, or find it upsetting to contemplate, then it's not for you.

Mind you, sometimes having some purely hedonistic sex for its own sake is a really good thing to do. It gets you over the bullshit idea that sex has to be connected with love and therefore any man you have sex with you have to pursue and maintain a 'relationship' with, even if his cock is the only intersting thing about him.

If you decide you want to give it a go, the first thing to ask yourself is: do you trust this particular man to have your back: basically, if you start and find you're not happy, is he someone you trust to go, OK dear, never mind, let's go and have a drink and forget about it, or do you think that he will strop and call you boring and try to persuade you to carry on even if you are uncomfortable?

How are the two of you going to find other participants? My personal recommendatiion would be a swingers' club, not least because swingers' clubs have staff and chillout zones and if it all went a bit wrong there would be someone there to offer you a friendly hug and advice and support - and indeed to rescue you if things went really badly wrong (eg your partner storms off and leaves you stranded).

Actually, if you are tempted by the whole idea but wary, then going to a swingers club with this bloke is probably a good idea.

If you are horrified by the whole concept, then binning this bloke is a good idea, as the two of you are basically not compatible.

Witchety Thu 08-Nov-12 14:14:24

I second a swingers club too ! smile

ImperialBlether Thu 08-Nov-12 19:03:54

What is he planning, to just turn up with a couple of his mates? How can you know you want to have sex with someone when you've never even seen them?

SolidGold is right - you'd need to be able to trust this guy so that if you changed your mind, he'd back you up. I don't get the feeling he would do this.

I do get the feeling he's pushing your boundaries and he will go further and further. If you're going to do that, surely it's better to do it with someone you absolutely trust?

ImperialBlether Thu 08-Nov-12 19:04:39

And in your OP you seem to be saying you never go out for a drink or anything with him. Does he just come round and you have sex and he goes home? How long's the longest he's stayed with you after he's had an orgasm?

overbythere Thu 08-Nov-12 19:11:59

Hi everyone, thanks for your messages. I posted this last night after the weirdest exchange of texts I have ever had with anyone. This morning, in the cold light of day, I know I am not up for it and am relieved to have made that decision. In fact, we have been texting today but neither of us have mentioned it even though we are still planning to get together (on our own.) And I know that this is a fwb situation until I move on to a more normal relationship with someone else. (Seeing a guy for a date for the third time this weekend and planning to play it completely differently i.e. not inviting him to my home for some time.) izzy you should set up your own advice website. I would pay to listen to you!

cronullansw Thu 08-Nov-12 19:26:16

Most of the responses so far as exactly as I'd expect from MN, but look at this - it's a new relationship after a poor marriage, it's fun, it's not going to be rose covered cottages, frolicking golden labradors and happy ever after.

The OP obv wants to do this experimentation, otherwise she'd have scrapped the idea immediately, pulled up her big saggy grey knickers and told him he was violating her and should be imprisoned for thought crimes against an entire gender.

I'm with the swingers club suggestion. Done it, ticked that box. On most occasions we didn't even have any physical contact with anyone else at all, but we did have super charged sex together....

Seabird72 Thu 08-Nov-12 20:53:54

Probably a wise decision for now - you said yourself you're still recovering from the marriage - best to feel 100% comfortable with an idea first and be sure that you're over your marriage - I think it's common to do things you wouldn't normally do when you've just got divorced but you then might regret those actions. After my divorce I started to date a younger guy who I then found out was living with someone - I tried to tell myself it was just for fun and didn't mean anyting to me and it was his decision to cheat on her but it didn;t last as I couldn't deal with how it made me feel about myself. Just don't let him put the pressure on - sounds like you're ready to move on to someone new anyway. Just enjoy yourself - 12 years with someone is a long time and it's going to take a while to adjust to the single life.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Fri 09-Nov-12 00:26:45

Fair enough OP: if you feel uncomfortable with the concept then it's not for you. However, liking group sex doesn't automatically mean that someone is a Bad Person: it sounds like this bloke is accepting of the idea that you don't fancy it and is not going to try and pressure you into giving it a go.

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