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pregnant and alone

(11 Posts)
unplannedbump Wed 07-Nov-12 22:51:58

I am in my forties and divorced from father of my four dc's for past six years. I have been in a new relationship for the past few years but recently dp has gone into self destruction mode and is making the relationship impossible. He has become very moody and childish and is constantly breaking off the relationship when he doesn't get his own way. I found out I was pg last wk and thought we'd settle down to make a go of it. The pg was unplanned but we had talked in the past about having a child together.

Over the weekend he threw another huge strop and stormed off. I haven't heard from him since. I am now feeling in a bit of a panic as I feel this relationship is probably hopeless and I will be left on my own with one more dc. I know I would be able to cope with another but it's probably going to push me over the edge in some ways, for example I will probably have to give up work. My family will also be very unhappy.

I never thought I would consider a termination but I find I am wondering if I would be strong enough to go through with it would it be for the best. I am worried about my other dc's and I hate to admit this but a part of me feels there will be a stigma in having five dc's and no father at home. I know nobody can tell me what to do but was just wondering what outsiders might think.

olgaga Wed 07-Nov-12 23:02:11

I think you need to decide whether you want this "moody, childish" man in your life for the next 18 years. "Settle down and make a go of it..." How can you even think that? He sounds like the polar opposite of good father material - more like a child himself.

Forget about this notion of "stigma". Concentrate on how this will affect your DCs and your ability to provide a happy and stable environment for them.

I think you know the answer to your dilemma. Get help as soon as you can.

mykidskeepmegoing Thu 08-Nov-12 00:09:14

If people have a problem with you having 5 children then that's their business. You might get some stick but at the end of the day they will always be sad little people talking rubbish, they'll soon find another target to slag off.
You need to do the right thing for you.
Don't worry about what other people think x

Melanthe Thu 08-Nov-12 06:01:07

Well, you aren't losing anything if you have a termination (only potential) but you will gain something if you don't ( a child, increased responsibilities, continued relationship with this man). Id try and figure what you want for your life- can you picture a fifth children and what it would be like for you and your current children?Do you feel excitement or panic? You have time so take it slowly and talk to people.

ShamyFarrahCooper Thu 08-Nov-12 10:36:44

Hi OP, you need to remove what other people will think of you, from your decision making process. This decision is what is best for you, especially if you believe the relationship is going nowhere. Take some time to have a think and please don't worry about stigmas etc. Just make sure your choice is right for YOU.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Thu 08-Nov-12 11:00:11

You really mustn't worry about what other people including your family will think - this is about YOU not them.
Please be very careful, I don't want to preach to you, but I had an abortion nearly 20 year's ago, and it is the biggest regret of my life - it never leaves you.
My view is wow 5 children how lovely (I know it's not everyone's) - they are never going to be lonely are they.
Take your time and don't do anything rash - good luck!

raskolnikov Thu 08-Nov-12 11:14:23

I'd like to think that in your position, my view would be to welcome another baby into the family and be determined to make it work. However, you're an older mother, you presumably already have your hands full with 4 and its a huge upheaval for your DCs. Five children is wonderful and exhausting - it could be fantastic but only you can make that decision. I hope your family would support you if you did decide to go ahead with the pg.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 08-Nov-12 11:28:08

OP this must be such a hard situation to be in. But put plainly fuck what other people think. Don't make a decision about this pregnancy based on what other people might think either way. It's your life and your family,not theirs.

Whatever decision you make,the only people who matter are yourself and your dc's. I can see why you would choose to terminate but also why you would choose to continue the pregnancy. If you think your wider family won't be supportive,don't tell them until you have made your decision and are at peace with it (as much as you can be).

Wishing you all the best.

unplannedbump Thu 08-Nov-12 12:36:41

Thank you all for your replies. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I know you are all right that I need to forget about what other people think. My dc's are all fairly independant now and I find my world has opened up more and I am enjoying work so much. If I am honest the thought of giving all of that up and going back to being tied down fills me with panic.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected do you mind me asking did you have other dc's. You say you still regret your decision now even 20 years later and I am wondering is that to do with not having dc's or is it a sense of loss over one potential dc being missing? Sorry, I am just trying to make sense of it all for myself.

In one way I can understand what is going on with my partner. He is a decent person but has suffered a lot of losses recently and I think that is at the root of our problems. I do not think he is happy with how he has been over the past few mths but I think he is lost at the moment. This is relevant because I feel if he was on board then I wouldn't really be considering a termination. I feel he has run into his cave in panic but will probably soon emerge. Oh I'm so confused and also I'm very petite and already showing a baby bump so panicking that I need to make a decision quickly as I can't hide bump for much longer.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 08-Nov-12 12:44:54

If you think there are genuine reasons for your partners behaviour (not simply him being an arse because he is one) and the relationship is salvageable then maybe discuss it with him? It might completely turn him around behaviour wise if he's been lost and unhappy for a while.

I would say that you should make sure that you should try as best you can to base the decision on your own feelings though simply because if you continue the pregnancy and he then leaves you in the lurch it will be that much harder.

olgaga Thu 08-Nov-12 14:45:00

I would just like to add that I had a termination 26 years ago, long before I met my now DH or had any children.

I did feel sad, but I went ahead knowing it was the right thing to do at that particular time, in those particular circumstances. If I hadn't I would never have met my DH, or my wonderful DD - who arrived a couple of months before my 41st birthday. In short, I wouldn't have the life I have now.

I also know, from my encounters with women my age I met at nurseries, playgroups etc who were starting a family again with a new partner, that they found it a lot harder and far more exhausting than they did first time round in their twenties.

Please don't even think about having a baby to give your partner's life hope and purpose, or cement your relationship or anything like that. It has to be right for you.

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