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(125 Posts)
Blindedbyscience Wed 07-Nov-12 21:13:24

Never a good idea, I know, but looked on dh ipad at the history, and it had an undeleted search on about finding an escort. He works abroad and the search was looking for one in that country. I confronted him about it and he claims it is because he stays in a hotel while away and is on a shared network. He claims that it is someone else's search that has shown on his iPad. He's lying isn't he? I have no IT knowledge at all- he knows that. Anyone know if this could be a possibility, or is he a lying arse? Cheers

stuffitunderthebed Wed 14-Nov-12 06:29:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blindedbyscience Tue 13-Nov-12 22:06:32

More transparency and no secrets I suppose is the ideal; difficult though when he is away from home. He loves his children dearly- I have no doubt of that at all. I hope when he is home we can make some attempt at sorting things out. We'll see.

drizzlecake Tue 13-Nov-12 21:43:40

You say the DCs idolise him but am surprised that is the case if he is as selfish as you say. Are you sure they don't just make a fuss of him to ensure they get his attention (as he is selfish).

It's hard to believe that someone who puts his marriage and relationship on the line (with consequences for DCs) is such a perfect Dad.

fiventhree Tue 13-Nov-12 21:17:59

Cut and paste that list from wiki, Blinded. Try to memorise what manipulation looks like.

Think through all of his manipulative strategies.

How will you counter them?

BerylStreep Tue 13-Nov-12 20:58:24

Blinded, I would consider myself in a normal relationship.

I absolutely trust my DH that he wouldn't cheat. I know that he looks at porn from time to time (i dont like it, and he knows that, but i think he probably still looks) and that he probably had a lap dance on his stag. But that's it.

I have never had any cause to check passwords for his e-mail, because both our e-mails come into the same account. Similarly, all of our accounts and credit cards are either joint or completely transparent (which given my London spend-fest this weekend, is not always a good thing grin).

Both fb accounts are completely open, not a big deal if they are left logged in, and in fact the only secretive aspect of our relationship is me on MN, he knows that this is somewhere that I consider my personal space, and he respects that. He doesn't know my nn, or anything else. He also knows that I don't like him looking at my text messages, not that there is anything weird in them, but that I would feel violated if he were to casually browse through them. Neither of us have ever felt the need to delete messages, although again, I reckon DH uses private browsing for porn.

I don't post this to sound smug, and dear knows, we have our difficulties at times, but cheating and secrecy are not one of our issues (touch wood). The reason I post is to show what normal is like.

stuffitunderthebed Tue 13-Nov-12 19:28:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blindedbyscience Tue 13-Nov-12 17:41:13

I am hoping that seeing him will make my decision easier. If he tries his victim act again I don't think I could tolerate it. He needs to man up and listen to what I have to say, without trying to make out how awful I am to think this of him. He needs to ask himself, why can I believe this of him. In a normal relationship- If they exist, a wife shouldn't always suspect her husband of shagging other people, should she?

stuffitunderthebed Tue 13-Nov-12 07:36:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blindedbyscience Tue 13-Nov-12 06:59:18

The more I read from other people posting the more I can see that this is a pretty common situation to be in. I've been there with the hours spent working out passwords, trawling trough various bills. I can't be bothered this time. I will look at his phone bill just for piece of mind- leaving your marriage is a big deal after all and I want to feel I have exhausted everything. Ultimately though, there is likely to be a next time, as he doesn't seem to learn.

whethergirl Mon 12-Nov-12 22:57:59

Even if, and it's a big IF, he had not been playing away from home, surely he should be more understanding that given his past, it's natural you're suspicious? And would want to spend more time with you, working at the relationship - rather than sulking and keeping his distance?

I wished I'd trusted my instincts from the beginning of my relationship with my ex, instead of getting tangled into his web of lies and being manipulated to feel sorry for him, and wasting literally HOURS trying to decipher his passwords to get some evidence. I did eventually find out what I knew all along. However, like you, I just couldn't bear to break up with him. But everyone has their breaking point. Maybe you just haven't reached yours yet.

Blindedbyscience Mon 12-Nov-12 21:32:15

I probably wouldn't find anything on it. He has long enough away from home to delete everything. I agree though ickywivky the only way of knowing what he is up to is to be permanently at his side. If he wants to cheat and lie, then in reality, he can cheat and lie. We have split up once before ( as I think I mentioned), but other influences made us decide to try again. As far as the private browsing goes, I wouldn't have seen anything would I- had he used it? I feel very dim with all this- and honestly, I'm quite intelligent in RL!

BerylStreep Mon 12-Nov-12 20:29:57

Private browsing won't show up on the history though.

Blindedbyscience Mon 12-Nov-12 18:27:32

I have decided that when he is home I want him to leave me his I pad. I'm going to go through his phone with a fine tooth comb. I can ask him for his log in details to his mobile phone account. If there is any reluctance, then i think, there is proof enough. It's a strange situation to be in, because he isn't here. He could access my e mail, FB and phone bill as much as he'd like, and he'd find nothing remotely suspicious. It's strange about the balance of power. When we first met, I was definitely the dominant partner- more experienced, two years older. There's clearly been a shift over the years. Stupid, bloody male ego.

ickywickyyicky Mon 12-Nov-12 15:14:27

Yes they can delete individual items in history on computer / iPad; delete only the suspicious threads on FB / email; delete individual messages on phone and call logs of those messages ...... and then say - "look at my phone, there's nothing from her on it", "no she hasn't contacted me on my FB account" only because he created another FB account pretending to be a woman so her DH didn't get suspicious and beat her up "you have my passwords, of course you can trust me" but I can create a gazillion other email addresses .

The only way is requesting an itemised bill and going through the damn thing, and installing spyware software, and probably implanting a tracker device in his backside.

But at the end of the day, I really can't be arsed as he is so not worth it. He cocked up, he believed a bullshit story from this woman, and was more concerned about her safety than my sanity. So it is up to him to prove he is worth my attention. I can't be arsed wasting my time checking up on him, and if he wants to get back in touch with diddums if you want a man to feel sorry for you then learn to lisp then he will and there will be nothing I can do about it. So all we can do is decide what we want ......

Good luck OP - it is a truly horrid situation to be in - 3 months on I still don't know what I want, but I have at least realised that the only person I can look after / control is myself.

Spree Mon 12-Nov-12 14:46:03

If you really still feel you need proof, can I suggest you google keylogger software, you will find them for iPhones, iPads, blackberries etc.

Mobistealth I think has good reviews - you need to pay for it and have access to the iPad so you can download the software from the site - but this should enable you to see everything he is typing into the iPad or looking at online.

Hope this helps

fiventhree Mon 12-Nov-12 14:25:51

We can all put up with different things- eg a bit of selfishness, not brilliant at communication etc etc. because none of us are perfect.

BUT should we put up with lies, and an expectation of lies? Of always being put second, for example?

What is enough?

We need boundaries about what we can tolerate- everybody does. In fucked up relationships, some of us with poor boundary management shift our boundaries bit by bit over time until we have no power left. By that time, we are in fact lying too, but to ourselves, that we are not ill or depressed, that the kids are not effected, or you hear people say that 'he is a good dad'.

Last year as you know my own h lied about OW online at least and had for years. Now he doesnt.

There is only one reason for the change.

I accessed what was inside me and finally went with what I believed and not what I could prove. That shifted the power balance- and now I can honestly say that I trust him with OW and online and pretty much general honesty, although we are still working on openness.

Ladies you do have some power, but you need to get to a point where you are upset and annoyed enough to wield it.

stuffitunderthebed Mon 12-Nov-12 14:06:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blindedbyscience Mon 12-Nov-12 09:07:12

I have ups and downs. I've gone from thinking my marriage is over to thinking, no, we can work at it. In the pit o my stomach though, I know that there will be something else- it may be in a few years time, but there will be something else. He is a lovely person- my children idolise him, but he is very weak and has a strong selfish streak. I have made excuses for him in my own head for years

stuffitunderthebed Mon 12-Nov-12 06:37:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blindedbyscience Mon 12-Nov-12 06:31:49

He is very IT savvy. Not an expert, but knows enough to sound convincing. The problem for him of course, is that I didn't believe him, or I wouldn't have posted here in the first place. He may well stop routinely deleting the history, but he can still delete individual searches can't he? Or not? Not sure I'll ever get to the bottom of it.

Jux Mon 12-Nov-12 00:57:28

People who hanitually delete their search history and emails generally have something to hide. Ask him to stop doing it. You need total transparency if you're going to have any chance of a future together. If he's got nothing to hide or to be ashamed of then he should find it very easy.

stuffitunderthebed Mon 12-Nov-12 00:05:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stuffitunderthebed Mon 12-Nov-12 00:02:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blindedbyscience Sun 11-Nov-12 23:39:03

It was a sentence that was within the google search box. I didn't get chance to look thoroughly at the I pad. We've been really happy for so long, I wasn't instantly concerned- it took a while to sink in. It was on the google chrome app, which he says he never uses. Can deleted data be retrieved, or am I totally away with the fairies?

stuffitunderthebed Sun 11-Nov-12 23:22:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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