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what to do? may be long...

(17 Posts)
ithastobeNAICEham Wed 07-Nov-12 20:40:48

I've been with dp for nearly 2 years now, we have a 5wo dd, I have a dd from a previous relationship and he has 4dc from a previous, he is currently going through the courts to have access due to his ex, whole other thread on that one!

While I was pg with dd I fell out of love, for want of a better phrase, everyone convinced me to stay, telling me it was just the hormones and I'd change my mind etc etc. I stayed but now I'm thinking I really should have got him to leave.

Since dds birth I've noticed a few things,,for example, he is a master at gas lighting, he told me I hadn't put the bottles in to sterilize, while arguing the toss the microwave pinged, the bottles were inside!

He is crappy with the housework, for the 2 weeks I was off my feet after an emergency c section plus infection of my scar he did most of the housework but this means I have to worship the ground he walks on from now on because he's continuing that by putting on a load of washing once a week.

He barely does anything for dd, he hasn't changed a nappy since we were in hospital, he has yet to dress her. He's helped me bathe her once and other than making one or two bottles and sterilising them once, doesn't help with feeding in any way, he barely cuddles her and despite numerous promises, has not done a "night shuft". If I go out, I take dd with me, school runs, shopping, even going to the toilet some days!

The other day, I was running dd1 a bath, id put dd2 in the Moses basket while I checked it and got dd's bath stuff from the shelves. While I was doing this dd2 started to whine so I was shouting across the landing so she could hear meand didn't get too stressed, dp heard me and marched upstairs and called me everyname under the sun and said I was neglecting our child and he should just go pick her up and walk away and take her "somewhere safe" all in front of my dd1 who is 8. I've since had to comfort her and assure her she isn't going to loose her baby sister. He hasn't apologised to dd1 and thinks.I'm stupid for wanting him to.

He constantly talksd down to me, he is very good at maths whereas I'm rubbish,he has helped dd1 massively in maths and uses this as the proverbial stick to beat me with. I am nor thick, I went to an entrance only grammar school and although, I am unemployed, this is through disability not by choice! Try telling him that.

He has already lost one family and as much as I would never stop him seeing dd2, he has no where to go f I kick him out, what if he follows through on his threat to take dd? I can't loose my baby, my girls are my life.

There is part of me that does love him but I can't keep on like this, I don't want to end up depressed again. If I could get someone else to come in, end it, make him leave while I wasn't there, I would! I know that sounds so cold and heartless but I'm just sick of the bad far outweighing the good!

What can I do, I honestly don't know where to turn.

Rouen Wed 07-Nov-12 20:48:15

I feel like you already know all the routes you could take with this, it's just scary confronting them sad you need to leave him (as in, he needs to leave your home) and you need to be brave for your two DDs. It's not fair on you or your DDs. He may be smart, but it sounds like he's an absolute dick. Don't let his 'smartness' intimidate you. You have to do the best you can for your children.

OpheliaPayneAgain Wed 07-Nov-12 21:04:05

Did you ever wonder why he has 4 children elsewhere and his ex is contesting access?

ithastobeNAICEham Wed 07-Nov-12 21:32:24

Rouen, I do sad I just don't want to take em, I already have a dd from a broken home, I just wanted dd2 to not have that!

Ophelia, I did but I'm starting to see why.

I honestly don't know how to get him to leave without a fight though. I know if I ask him to, he will probably put up a fight n I'm not sure I have the energy for that.

Rouen Wed 07-Nov-12 21:36:24

I think that ultimately, it's better for both DDs to have a stable home rather than a home where mom and dad are arguing and mom is upset - that's a broken home.

You have to decide what you want for you and your children. I don't think it's going to be easy for you, but in the long run, if you choose to leave him, you and your DDs will be better off. If you care enough about the environment your DDs live in, you'll find the energy. Don't be scared x

AnyFucker Wed 07-Nov-12 21:38:48

A leopard and his spots, eh ?

have you ever heard the other side of the story from his ex, or has what you know of her been fed to you by him ?

classic...the ex is mad, but you are different (until I trap you with a baby too, then I revert)

ithastobeNAICEham Wed 07-Nov-12 21:41:52

Thank you Rouen, I don't want to get up the courage to have "the talk" and to be convinced into him staying again. It's justgoing to end up going round and round if I do.

My head is all over the place. I'm just glad I have my girls. Otherwise I'd never have the guts to do anything!

I'm sick of feeling like I don't know my own mind anymore. You're so right. My hone is already broken sad

ithastobeNAICEham Wed 07-Nov-12 21:51:44

X post with AF.

I've not met the ex, he was stopped from seeing the kids when he moved out of the family home. I've asked several times and basically been told that she wanted a new life with the guy she left him for (i know she left him for someone else as I have a mutual friend with the guy she left him for) I'm guessing its a revert back to type thing now.

If this was anyone else posting this I would be sat there thinking "ltb, you daft mare" now I know its so much easier saidthan done sad

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Nov-12 22:29:23

Look, he's not going to get custody of your daughter. It's not going to happen. You are not working; you are the child's main caregiver. He doesn't care for the baby at all, physically. A court would never separate the two girls, either.

I think you'll find there are bloody good reasons why he's not allowed to see his other children.

What's your housing situation like? Who lived in the house first? Is it on a mortgage or rented?

doctordwt Wed 07-Nov-12 22:43:47

You really think a man who's never once offered to change a nappy would actually follow through with his bullying threat to take your child away? Even if he could - the chances of which are nil anyway?

Having full time care of a small child and having to do those lovely night shifts? Ha! His worst nightmare, by the sound of it.

It's just a nasty bullying threat, so ignore it. Certainly don't let it hold you back from planning your exit from this tosser.

He brings nothing to your lives and there is no relationship to speak of. And he wouldn't want full time care of your daughter if he was paid a fortune to do it.

Next time he threatens to take her 'somewhere safe' like the Hero Daddy that he isn't, laugh and tell him to make sure he stays there with her long enough to get in a few nappy changes and a night shift, as it's high time he did a bit of actual parenting.

olgaga Wed 07-Nov-12 22:50:49

For heaven's sake - what a terrible situation. You really don't need this and neither do your children. He's a bully, pure and simple. No wonder his ex chucked him out and wants nothing to do with him.

Do you have any support from family and friends? Keep posting here - and read this:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
https://www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
https://www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break – if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

ithastobeNAICEham Thu 08-Nov-12 03:03:36

Imperial, the house is mine, its a ha house, he is not on the tennancy and is just on record that he lives here.

Thank you for the support. I don't live near family and most of my friends are "our friends" or adore him and can't see how unhappy I am and what's going on.
I've never been one to have hundreds of friends, I honestly can't see many being supportive.

Doctor, I know I'm being stupid with the whole him taking dd2 away, but when he has one of his rants about how I'm an unfit mum or not worthy enough to call myself a mummy because dd has spit up or has pooed and I'm rushed off my feet trying to do everything at once again, he can be pretty dam convincing!

Thank you for the info olgaga. I shall have a proper look in the morning.

AnyFucker Thu 08-Nov-12 07:24:40

Just tell him to leave your house.

How would it be any harder if he is not there ? He makes you feel like shit. imagine not feeling like shit, in your own little home with your lovely dc ?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 08-Nov-12 09:37:02

I'd lay money on it that the ex doesn't want to grant access because he threatened to take her children as well.

ShamyFarrahCooper Thu 08-Nov-12 10:31:09

OP what DOES he bring to the relationship? He doesn't help you, he doesn't help your baby girl. He is horrid to you infront of your elder daughter.
Him telling you he would take the baby is just his way of keeping you in line. He has nothing to base that on.

You have every right to remove him from your home. You can call local police to discuss with them first if you are concerned as to how he might react.

You are not stupid, you do not deserve to be abused by this man.

Rouen Thu 08-Nov-12 21:18:49

How are you feeling, <ithastobe?>

Some really great advice on here. Life is far too short to be spent as miserable as you sound sad you deserve better, so do your DDs x

Rouen Thu 08-Nov-12 21:19:22

*correction ithastobe?

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