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I feel so betrayed.

(39 Posts)
mykidskeepmegoing Wed 07-Nov-12 17:26:49

Evening everyone.

I'll cut a long story short. Aged 16 my stepbrother thought it would be a good idea to come into my bedroom and sexually assault me in my sleep. I woke up a couple of time and told him where to go. I have no idea how long it went on for as at the time i was a heavy sleeper. My sister and i shared a bedroom, we used to wedge the door shut and we even went as far as to wear our swimming costumes when we went to have a bath!! yep, the little pervert used to just walk in.
I thought it only happened to me, not my sister. I told my mum and she 'sorted' it. I moved out, then found out he was doing it to my sister. She went into school aged 12! and told the teacher. As you can imagine social services etc.. got involved. My sister moved in with my dad, i beat the pervert with a baseball bat.
Now that's the background. Now here's my problem.
My boyfriend, the father of my beautiful children and his fat brother have hired this vile pervert! At the time he was assaulting me i was going out with my boyfriend. we have been together for 15 years. Apparenty it's because the pervert owes my bil lots of money and he takes it out of his wages.
I feel like it's a massive smack in the face. I feel so hurt and upset that the man who says he loves me can sit in a car everyday with a man who put his hands in my knickers when ever i was asleep! My boyfriend said it was a long time ago and i need to get over it.
He even went out for a pint with him the other day. I just don't know what to do or think :/

mykidskeepmegoing Wed 07-Nov-12 17:29:11

He was never imprisoned btw. He had to go to some pervert center thing for counciling.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Wed 07-Nov-12 17:39:49

I don't have any advice but... I am aghast. Poor you sad

mykidskeepmegoing Wed 07-Nov-12 17:45:16

I'm so angry i feel like i'm going to explode. I feel utterly betrayed.

mmmnoodlesoup Wed 07-Nov-12 17:50:55

What an utter shit. I would tell him to move out, or you take the kids and go away and think. How could he tell you to get over it angry

Suzietastic Wed 07-Nov-12 17:53:41

I've never posted 'leave the bastard' before but...

notnagging Wed 07-Nov-12 17:53:53

This man can't be your partner if he puts other people before you. That is disgusting. I hope you've seen him for his true colours. I don't normally support the 'leave the bastard'brigade. But that is just sick.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Wed 07-Nov-12 17:56:24

If you were me and your dp was my dp, then my dp would want to kill your stepbrother, not employ him and go out for drinks and tell me to get over it. Do you really need to be with this person? I would want to remove them all from my life.

mykidskeepmegoing Wed 07-Nov-12 17:59:07

You know what's funny. I name changed because my last thread was just as depressing and i didn't think anyone would believe me. My home life sounds so far fetched but it is 100% true.
I said on my last thread that i would leave my boyfriend but i haven't.

mykidskeepmegoing Wed 07-Nov-12 18:01:25

My previous thread was 'upset sad and i am Thekidsmum218.
My life is just an existence at the moment. I'm floating around in my own little bubble and i have no clue what to do.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 07-Nov-12 18:01:45

Why were you going to leave him on your other thread.

Oh & by the way, being fat isn't a character flaw. Might be nice if you stopped using it as such.

puds11 Wed 07-Nov-12 18:03:34

Wow your DP sounds like a prize prick! I would not stand for that. I am so sorry you are having such a bad time.

mykidskeepmegoing Wed 07-Nov-12 18:04:06

I used the word fat in anger. I'm sure we all say things in anger.

mykidskeepmegoing Wed 07-Nov-12 18:07:11

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1570010-Upset

That is my previous thread. It seems that every week something different happens. He just has no respect for me. I can't believe i let him suck my back in with all these promises of him changing. I could slap myself, i've brought it on myself.

mmmnoodlesoup Wed 07-Nov-12 18:08:23

Of course we all do mykids don't worry.

Sounds like you need to talk to someone as you sound depressed, and with good reason to. Do you have any good RL friends?

mmmnoodlesoup Wed 07-Nov-12 18:09:43

Although, seeing this and your previous thread, it looks like your 'd'p is the one making you depressed, so until you remove the cause it probably won't get better

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 07-Nov-12 18:12:38

your previous thread

akaemmafrost Wed 07-Nov-12 18:13:22

I couldn't handle this. I would leave him. Poor you and your dsis sad.

Doha Wed 07-Nov-12 18:30:48

IF he puts this abuser in front of you it is time for you to put your foot down.

His choice him ( the pervert) or you. No if's but's or maybe's--simply his choice.

BUT you must stick to it.

FiercePanda Wed 07-Nov-12 18:31:27

Oh god, your last thread had me in tears. You poor woman, no one deserves this kind of treatment.

You're an object, to him. A "thing" he owns and controls. He can treat you how he likes because you've been conditioned since you were a teenager, a child, to keep your eyes lowered, say nothing, let him have his way. His treatment of you gets worse and worse because he wants a reaction, to make you feel worse than the last time, to scare you worse than the last time. It's your fear and shame that he "loves". Not you as a person. I know that's a difficult thing to read but deep down you know it's true. You wouldn't treat an animal the way he's treated you.

Do you know something, though? You have power. With some support and guidance, you can make it stop. This doesn't have to be another link in a horrible cycle of violence that your sons will play out on their wives, or your daughters will receive from their husbands. You can break the cycle, with time, support and strength.

You and your children deserve more, much more. Women's Aid are your first port of call - they can give you advice and support, on your terms, depending on what you think you can cope with. How's your relationship with your GP? If you think you can explain your situation (write it down if you can't say the words), they can also point you in the direction of support and advice. Could you get re-homed by your housing association? Maybe they have a domestic abuse team, or some kind of department available who are trained to help in situations like this. <clutches at straws>

Until you're ready to leave, concentrate on finding your strength again. You need to escape your partner and your stepbrother - neither of these abusive bastards have any right to be near you. Nor should your partner be anywhere near your kids imho - anyone who can treat the mother of his children the way he treats you doesn't deserve to be a father.

The fault lies with him, it's his choice to abuse you. It isn't a "problem" in the sense that it's something he has no control over - he can control it, he does it because he wants to.

Again, you and your children deserve to be safe and loved. He isn't capable of that.

mykidskeepmegoing Wed 07-Nov-12 23:49:18

I love him with all my heart, i really do. I still get butterflies in my tummy when i see him, i smell his just worn clothes (weird i know). I just wish he would be the same with me.

olgaga Wed 07-Nov-12 23:54:06

You might find this helpful - but only when you get to grips with how you are being treated here, and whether you want it to continue...

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
https://www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
https://www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break – if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

randomfemale Wed 07-Nov-12 23:55:29

He sounds awful, just awful. I have no good advice to give. I am married to a man who used to beat me horribly - but has recently grovelled and apologised and sworn it would never happen again. Unlike you I am too scared to start a thread of my own. I wish you luck and happiness.

Darkesteyes Wed 07-Nov-12 23:58:09

I am absolutely shocked to the core with the way you are being treated OP. You need to get away from your partner and your stepbrother as a previous poster has said.
They are abusive OP You and your children deserve to feel safe and loved in your own home.
Christ this has made me angry

mykidskeepmegoing Thu 08-Nov-12 00:00:32

Randomfemale the wonderful women on here helped me an awful lot on my other thread. It was lovely to have so many shoulders to cry on. It helped to get it all off my chest after so many years of hiding it.
I think it was my first step to regain my life.
My OH has changed slightly, especially when i told him i was considering ending it for good. We had been getting along great then i found out about my stepbrother.

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