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The surname of my unborn child......help needed

(56 Posts)
Hormonalhell Wed 07-Nov-12 16:15:04

Thought I would post on here for advice really....I am 7 months pregnant due in January, the father of my child is absent due to the fact it was a brief relationship we split up, I found I was pregnant, he wanted me to abort but I refused.

I am separated from my ex husband (not the father of my baby but father of my two DC) I still have his name and so thought I would give the baby the same name as him

My Mum however thinks this is wrong giving the baby my ex hubby name as he has been very hostile about my pregnancy etc and because the baby is not his she thinks the baby should have my maiden name and i should revert back to using my maiden name.

I just want the baby to be the same as me and my children but also am not completely happy with him having my ex name also.

Any advice?

Dahlen Wed 07-Nov-12 16:20:26

Personally I'd give the baby whatever name you intend to use for the forseeable future. There is a lot of sense in keeping all your surnames the same as it encourages a sense of family identity that is completely separate to anything to do with either X.

Natnat29 Wed 07-Nov-12 16:22:18

I think I'd go maiden name but do what feels right

PickledFanjoCat Wed 07-Nov-12 16:25:01

I would personally not use that name.. It might cause upset for that child when they grow older if they have his name yet he has nothing to do with them iyswim?

Op it's a really tricky one though as I can totally understand you all wanting the same name.

Dahlen Wed 07-Nov-12 16:29:24

The thing is, when a married woman changes her surname, it becomes her identity just as much as her husband's. She may want to change it again on divorce, but that's her choice, not his. Otherwise there is an implied possessive there. The married surname is the OP's name now, just as much as it is her X husband's. If she is choosing to keep it for the forseeable, then she has every right to pass it on to her child.

It would honestly save a lot of aggro if men adopted their wives surnames and children were given the mother's surname by default.

Dahlen Wed 07-Nov-12 16:29:33

wink

prettywhiteguitar Wed 07-Nov-12 16:31:04

Would your ex agree to double barrelling the girls by depoll?

Then i would go back to my maiden name, and double barrell the girls with yours and then you can use babys dads name and yours, if that makes sense ? That way everyone has the name of their dad and mum

Frontpaw Wed 07-Nov-12 16:32:35

I would change everyone's name to... Maiden name? Or go for something neutral (how about Rockerfeller?!).

msrisotto Wed 07-Nov-12 16:34:56

I would either use the same name - it is your name now after all! Or change your, and all your children's names to your maiden name (or whatever you like!). I personally, wouldn't want my children to have different names to me or each other, for family unity if nothing else.

WhispersOfWickedness Wed 07-Nov-12 16:37:28

I agree that the op's name is no longer her maiden name, it is her married name, regardless of if she is still married to XH. Therefore it is her name to give her new baby as she sees fit. I would do the same thing.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 07-Nov-12 16:37:43

Whatever name you want to use for yourself.

ErikNorseman Wed 07-Nov-12 18:35:05

My friend did this and it makes sense. She has no plans to change her name, her dp didn't mind, so all her kids and she have same surname. People don't own names.

WhoNickedMyName Wed 07-Nov-12 18:39:44

You should use whatever surname that you intend to keep and use.

However I can see why your ex husband wouldn't be too happy about this hmm.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Wed 07-Nov-12 18:45:19

I'm not so sure. Seems strange to me and I've never known anyone to do it.

I understand what you are all saying, its just a name and once married you own that surname, but I'm a bit hmm

I have a DD from a previous relationship, DP and I are TTC. I would never in a million years suggest giving that baby my Ex's name just so we all match. Madness.

OP, if the father of your unborn child was still on the scene would you consider it then?

I'll be honest, I'm suspicious of your motives.

Teabagtights Wed 07-Nov-12 18:49:08

I think the child should have your name the same name as your children and you. When the child gets older you will have to tell them they have different fathers. Why make life harder?

slambang Wed 07-Nov-12 18:59:22

If you are happy with your current surname - name new baby the same. (not fair on baby to be different form everyone else in the family.)

If you want to change your surname back to your maiden name now (or at any point in the future) do it now and name baby your new name.

The option of naming your baby a different surname from yourself and his/her other siblings when baby is already starting life with an absent dad seems pretty tough on the LO.

GoldPlatedNineDoors Wed 07-Nov-12 19:03:21

I think your suggestion makes perfect sense OP. All of your family will have the same name. The surname is your name. And probably about another million peoples too.

snoopdogg Wed 07-Nov-12 19:12:54

Yep, give the baby what you feel is 'your' name. Personally, I have strong feelings about taking names on marriage, but if it's 'your' name and your children's name and what you want for your family go with your gut.

FloralWellies Wed 07-Nov-12 19:16:33

Why not change your name back to your maiden name, give the new baby just your maiden name (as you are not on good terms with his/her father) then double barrel your children's names with your maiden name and your DC's surname.

That way, if at a later date if the unborn DC should happen to have a relationship with his / her biological father s/he can add it if they want

FWIW DP's ex-W and DC's all have the same surname and our DS has a double-barelled version of DP's and my surnames, although I just use DP's surname with DS's first name.

drcrab Wed 07-Nov-12 19:17:54

That's what happened to some people I know. He gave her son his surname. Then they got pregnant and ds2 has his surname too. They had a ds3 (well we now know its not his!) and ds3 has his surname. They split up, and she had another child with another man... And ds4 has the same surname as his 3 older siblings, step or otherwise. That's because she took his name from the start and she is known by that name.

Yama Wed 07-Nov-12 19:20:21

I would think about the impact on your newborn long term.

I'm guessing he/she will not have a relationship with your ex-husband. How will they feel having the name of a man their siblings get to have as a father but he/she doesn't?

If it were me, I would revert to maiden name and give newborn my name. Your elder dc will still have their father to share a name with.

CremeEggThief Wed 07-Nov-12 19:22:23

My aunt did this with her DD.

I don't think I would, personally, but it's up to you, and you have to do what you think is best.

Blu Wed 07-Nov-12 19:23:35

I would
Change your name to your maiden name.
Add your maiden name to your older DC current surname
Give the new baby your surname.

But if you really want to use the surname you now have go ahead.

What then will happen if you marry again? Will the new DH take your current surname?

iloveweetos Wed 07-Nov-12 19:41:17

I would definitely give maiden name.
I agree with Yama, may be awkward in the future what with potential relationship that they my have. You dont wanna give the child any false hopes? ie thinking he/she has the same father xx

Hormonalhell Thu 08-Nov-12 08:25:54

Wow what a great response, thanks ladies smile

Such mixed responses and the majority I agree with which is why I'm struggling what to do.

With regard to the double-barrel, won't I have to get ExH's permission to change my son and daughter to double barrel? He would never agree this as he doesn't get on with my family at all sad

Goat there is no suspicious motive to why I want my baby to have the same name as myself and my children (I have no intention whatsoever of reuniting with ExH!!!). I just think all of us having the same n ame shows baby we are a family the four of us.

When I remarry, if I do, then I would change the baby's name to my married name.

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