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(15 Posts)
PerfectStranger74 Wed 07-Nov-12 16:14:59

My exP and I have been off and on for 5years, since ds was born. I have two other children, 9and11 from a previous relationship. Ex and I were very very much over and done with afaIwc until this august when we had a family holiday together with the kids.
It's ds's birthday this weekend, ex's family live in a nearby seaside town, and ex asked to take ds there last weekend to see them.
They had a birthday party for ds-a 'practice' one, complete with party food, guests, LOADS of presents and a cake. I'm really pissed off that they had a party without inviting his mum or siblings. To me, that's just SHIT. Older kids were quite upset when ds came back with arms full of gifts and a tub with left over birthday cake and cup cakes in. I don't allow a lot of sugar for my kids, I am a fitness instructor and .healthy diets are very important in our household, which has been a bit of a battle ground with ex's family in the past. I feel like my ds is getting spoiled-two parties, two cakes, two special days a month before xmas, two days of gifts.
And I'm really really annoyed that when it IS his birthday, ex will be invited along to join in the celebrations with us, so he also gets two days of celebration. Part of me is tempted to say 'MY family are having a party for him this weekend' and leaving HIM out. I've spoken to dsis and mum, who both say I should be the better person and not stoop to his tricks, but honestly I've BEEN the bigger, better person for 5 years now and it just ends up the same way, with this us and them attitude. Every time I do something with the kids, I invite ex along, whether we are 'together' at the time or not, but this is all I get in return. I'm pissed off.

mummytime Wed 07-Nov-12 16:24:22

Don't go on holiday with an ex, even a family one. Don't invite him for your birthday party for your son.
This would be normal.

Build boundaries, and start to value yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 16:26:15

Sounds like it's time to make your ex properly your ex rather than this odd-sounding half-way house. Children of separated parents often do get duplicate birthday cakes or two Christmas lunches or whatever. Sort of goes with the territory.

Pancakeflipper Wed 07-Nov-12 16:37:33

Poor kid, do you not think they were just wanting your son to have a lovely time? And it wasn't done to just piss you off? It's not about you - it's about him too.

nitrox Wed 07-Nov-12 17:08:58

I agree with pancakeflipper

He had a lovely time, your other children will realise that's it's his other family, and why can't his dad host a birthday party for his son?

I think you are being a tad selfish, and you are a little bit jealous that he had fun without you, sorry! blush

Lovingfreedom Wed 07-Nov-12 17:30:57

Agree with other posters...sever the connection and do something with your own family for DS's birthday.. He's not going to get spoilt by having both parents want to celebrate his birthday with him. It's normal.

I think it is easier to operate an understanding that when your DS is with your ex, then it's your ex's rules. When he's with you, it's yours. OK - some people advocate a form of co-parenting that includes agreeing on diet, discipline etc...but I think that's difficult either when you have differences of opinion or where relations between you are strained. I tend to just set my own expectations for the kids when they are with me and (provided nothing nuts is going on) just trust my ex to make reasonably sensible decisions when they are with him.

mutny Wed 07-Nov-12 17:48:28

* Ex and I were very very much over and done with afaIwc until this august when we had a family holiday together with the kids.*

So are you back together or not?

Tbh i see nothing wrong in what his family did. He went and stayed with them and they celebrated his birthday. Its normal.

Do your other kids not see their dads? I think you need to explain that while it may seem unfair that he get 2 birthdays, there are 2 families that he is part of.

When parents are not together any longer some situations can seem unfair, but its how it is.
Fair is not always the same as equal.

WhoNickedMyName Wed 07-Nov-12 18:58:33

If I were you I'd be less concerned about a bit of spoiling of your DS, and more concerned about the confusion and mixed messages you are giving your children with this 'on again, off again' relationship.

In separated families I'm sure two birthday/Christmas/whatever celebrations is the norm.

PerfectStranger74 Wed 07-Nov-12 20:23:52

We are together, that's why I'm pissed off. He is as much part of my family life as he fancies, and when he doesn't fancy he just leaves. It's always been that way with him, he can be single anytime he likes. That's the main issue, I have to be honest, although I am not happy at the amount of sugar my boy is having this week. We ARE together so there shouldn't be two birthdays. He'd go nuts if I had arranged a party HE wasn't invited to. He kept quiet about there being a party in the first place.
I get what people are saying about it not being about me, and take that on board, thanks to all who gave their views

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 20:34:22

You need to sort this out. This backwards and forwards relationship where you are sometimes together and sometimes not will be waaaaaay more damaging to a child than a lot of sugar around his birthday/two parties.

You sound very controlling over the whole thing - perhaps a reaction to feeling powerless when he holds all the relationship cards? I would be pissed off about not telling me because of my other dc not being prepare but not pissed off about the party. It annoys me when my xp stuff the kids full of sugar but there really is nothing much you can do, he is the parent and it isn't crime of the century.

Take back some power and either separate or insist on him properly committing. Prepare your kids well either for separation or combination depending on which you choose. If you separate don't be tempted to do the "family holidays for the kids" stuff because I think children cope better with a separation that is one rather than a separation that isn't which is confusing but also maintains conflict unnecessarily. It is completely fine to have completely separate lives if you have split up.

Pancakeflipper Wed 07-Nov-12 20:54:11

He has a great life doesn't he? Family and singledom, whichever he fancies. But what about you? I feel really sad reading this cos you sobs strong but he's walking all over you and I am not convinced its making you at all happy.

OxfordBags Wed 07-Nov-12 21:14:36

Offred is right - having a father/father figure who is allowed to act like he's single when he fancies it and swans in and out of their lives as he sees fit is waaaaay more damaging than a bit of sugar. You are getting what's important far too mixed up!

OpheliaPayneAgain Wed 07-Nov-12 21:17:21

We are together

Stop refering to him as 'the ex' then and you might get some respect due.

Mayisout Wed 07-Nov-12 21:25:44

He lied about DS's birthday party without you, because he said he was just visiting the DP's family.

Sounds like his family don't want to include you and/or the other 2 DCs.

You need to work out what you really want for yourself and DCs and if DP isn't happy with that he goes.

mutny Wed 07-Nov-12 21:26:55

I think you really need to decide what you and the ex/dp are doing once and for all. All this 'we are a couple' 'we are not a couple' isn't helping. Its not good for you or the kids.

Decide once and for all

Is it a case of you weren't invited or you didn't go. Did his family purposely not ask you even thought they know you are back together?

I still don't see the problem with a birthday party with his other grandparents. Did you invite the grandparents to your party?

Do you other kids see their dad?

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