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WWYD BIL, GF and unborn baby?

(112 Posts)
mummy1986 Wed 07-Nov-12 15:48:02

My BIL and his gf are having a baby in April 2013.
They have just brought a houe which is well beyond their means, have trouble keeping up with the mortgage repayments and are already in arrears with council tax.
I suggested to dp that instead of buying them christmas gifts this year we buy practical things for the baby, he agreed.
Suggested to bil and gf and they went slightly mental!
Surely they would be grateful that we want to buy our unborn niece/nephew things?
I know it sounds harsh not buying for them, but they are soooo skint. (My mil is buying the pram, they are having our cot, changing table and all nursery bedding changing mat etc.)
I thought i was being helpful, or do you think not?
She is 17, 18 next week and he is 24.
previously posted in christmas

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 16:04:33

Oh dear... you've hit a nerve there, haven't you? smile They're probably a bit fed up with people feeling sorry for them. The baby isn't due until April so how about giving them Argos vouchers or something and then they can choose to buy something for themselves or their new arrival?

ShamyFarrahCooper Wed 07-Nov-12 16:05:50

Difficult one and clearly they are not ready to be sensible with some decisions.

Could you get them a small gift for them and mainly baby stuff? I suppose it depends on your budget. She may see it that you are trying to get out of buying for baby and christmas?

CinnabarRed Wed 07-Nov-12 16:07:16

Maybe the thought of treats for Christmas is helping them get through a period of belt tightening?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 07-Nov-12 16:12:00

Shame your generous idea backfired somewhat, maybe just get them something smaller un-baby-oriented for themselves they can enjoy at Christmas instead and get stuff in the sales for baby due in Spring?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 16:14:17

If your BIL & GF were on the AIBU board, what would they be writing, do you think? 'Our in-laws aren't buying us any Christmas presents, just stuff for the baby that isn't even here yet'... 'Our in-laws keep making us feel small about not being able to afford stuff for our baby'... ?

mummy1986 Wed 07-Nov-12 16:14:26

She said that it wasnt fair that the baby was taking over everything and she wouldnt be getting any presents because of (and i quote) the "stupid baby".
She has mental health problems, had taken 2 od's bless her, no family apart from a useless mother.

mummy1986 Wed 07-Nov-12 16:15:58

Im not trying to make anyone feel bad/small.
Im mearly trying to help out as they have no money!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 16:16:18

An even bigger oh dear! Is she getting psychological help for coping with the arrival of the baby?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 16:18:23

I know you're not trying to make anyone feel small deliberately but generosity can often be seen as an attempt to control. Road to hell paved with good intentions etc. If she's already feeling that the baby is taking over, it's likely she sees offers of help the same way.

mummy1986 Wed 07-Nov-12 16:19:15

No, dont think shes told hv about od etc.

AThingInYourLife Wed 07-Nov-12 16:19:24

A vulnerable 17 year old pregnant by a 24 year old man

I think Christmas presents are the least concern of anyone with her interests at heart.

pictish Wed 07-Nov-12 16:19:25

I think your idea is well intentioned, but may be seen by them as you deciding they don't deserve conventional gifts, and should only be given things they need because they are crap with money.

Fil gives my dh work shirts, ties and cufflinks for presents. Dh is the scruffiest bugger going, whereas his dad puts a lot of onus on clothes and being 'smart'. Fil thinks his gifts are enlightening and helpful, but to dh they just show how little his dad knows him. The presents are what fil wants his son to have, not what he thinks dh would actually like.


pictish Wed 07-Nov-12 16:21:25

x posted with cogito

That's what I'm getting at. Your decision to do away with normal prezzies in favour of baby stuff could be interpreted as controlling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 16:21:35

I agree with AThingInYourLife btw.

mummy1986 Wed 07-Nov-12 16:24:56

Pictish Yeah i swym, and i was only trying to help as they did say a few weeks ago they didnt want anything for christmas!

Athing Not that it bears any difference, she is 18 next week.
she is vunerable, and im so worried about both of them i just dont know what to do.
MIL is worried to but not to the point i am because she doesnt see them that often.
Gf does not clean house, she has shit everywhere cat shit and hair all over the place.
She does not work, spends all the time on fb(annouced preg on fb at 5 weeks and didnt tell family until 10 weeks because my sister found out via her friend who is friends iyswim!)
im not knocking her because she is lovely but they are sooo not ready for this!
BIL is short every month by £300 for mortgage bills etc!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 07-Nov-12 16:27:20

I don't think you were being controlling or weird. Anyway more to it than appeared, what a tricky situation.

pictish Wed 07-Nov-12 16:28:35

Oh I don't think you're being controlling either! I think you are very kind.

I'm just trying to illustrate why they might be taking it badly. I could be wrong though - it was just a thought. x

FuckityFuckFuck Wed 07-Nov-12 16:30:18

It was a lovely thought, but when I was pregnant my christmas and birthday presents were all baby stuff. It was bloody awful, it felt as if people no longer cared about me, just the baby (yes it was irrational but thats how I felt).

I would second Donkeys' idea. Get them something little for themselves for christmas, and then look in the sales for baby stuff.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 16:30:24

Does your BIL have similar MH problems that he doesn't see the cat shit and so on?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Wed 07-Nov-12 16:36:01

£300 short A MONTH?

Sensible as your offer was, they're fucked aren't they? A few babygros won't touch the sides.

How the hell did they (well he - she wouldn't be able to have done, being under 18) get a mortgage?

mummy1986 Wed 07-Nov-12 17:28:57

Yes they are fucked.
Mil has now gone in to mourning oh why is this happening to me etc etc.
Pathetic imo!
No he doesnt have mh issues just doesnt say anything incase ge upsets her.
He does his best to help her out

mummy1986 Wed 07-Nov-12 17:30:03

We still dont know how the mortgage came about as we didnt know hed brought the house until he had moved in!

ArtVandelay Wed 07-Nov-12 17:40:59

Can your DH have a word with BIL about where BIL thinks this is all leading with regard to finances and maybe getting the cat rehomed? HV etc won't be impressed with cat shit. Just simple stuff to try and get the situation under a bit more control. Poor them... they don't sound very strong people.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Wed 07-Nov-12 18:20:34

Would he accept some advice on budgeting from anyone? He must have been able to provide some sort of proof of income that satisfied the bank that he could afford this, which leads me to believe that there must be £££ going somewhere they needn't.

Does he know what will happen when if the bank reposess the house?

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