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concerned family member may be a child molestor(606 Posts)
Thanks for updating. Sounds like great progress for you and dh.
Perhaps the anger is there because it is no longer being overshadowed by fear. Well done to you both for standing up to her (and the enabling FIL).
He is frightened of her, the best way I can describe it is he shuts down. He often has no recollection of anything that has happened when they visit
Yep, sounds very familiar. And to my mind, is in itself an indicator of some kind of abuse by her. The disassociation is a survival strategy, and often a deeply ingrained one. But the more help your DH gets and the longer he spends out of regular contact with his mother, the less he is likely to (need to) disassociate. And the less he does it, the more he is going to realise what she is truly like.
Thanks for updating and I wish you well with it all. Channel that rage: it will help you stay ruthlessly focussed on keeping the children safe.
Well done for staying strong o p
I've just spent far too long reading this thread!
I wanted to post because a few posts back you said that one reason for updating is to remind yourself of the seriousness. If some of your family are not supportive, DH and FIL are excusing her it must be easy to doubt yourself.
IMHO she IS a paedophile. OK it might not stand up in a court of law but I have dealings with them through my job and she exhibits many of the signs. Abnormal level of interest in young children, seeking out situations where she can be in contact with children, compulsive attempts to get them alone and into situations where she can act.
You are right to take this very, very seriously.
You are right to take all the steps you are doing.
The end game has to be to cut all contact even if that means emigrating.
I just worry about how all your efforts could go to waste if she somehow manages to get around you to groom them when they are older. These people are very, very clever and manipulative.
Some of the most affecting posts on the thread are from people who shared their personal stories of being abused by family members; how easily it can happen and how devastating the consequences.
Keep strong and keep pushing on towards a MIL free future for your girls- imagine what a relief it would be to not have to worry any more.
I think I can understand the anger, your dh has show that he can stand up for what is right, and after this your relationship with MIL and FIL will definitely never be the same again. You're in a safer and more powerful position. So maybe it safe to actually experience all the anger now without having to worry about how you will cope with having to deal with her at the same time? I felt like that when we finally cut the strings with my mother.
OP I think you are very brave and strong and anyone would be proud to have you as their mum! Best wishes to all your family.
Dear Fan, I have mulled over this long and hard. I am so very sorry I doubted your story. I should have checked the dates etc. This is my reason, but not an excuse, for having been nasty to you. As you said these things can be triggering. again not an excuse. I am aware my previous contributions were unkind and unhelpful. I wish I could withdraw them. Mea culpa. I also understand that in the light of my confrontational post I have no right to contribute to this this. thread. please accept my apologies. I do know how very hard your position is. x
You sound like a very strong and clever woman.I prosecute a lot of child sex offenders in court and represent them most of them are cunning beyond belief.Take care.
Actually I can relate to the needing to please her thing. For years that is what I wanted to do, like you failed to please (even though you didn't) as a child, you need to not fail again as an adult. You get stuck in the need of wanting her approval too.
I actually believed my mother was going to try and kill either me or the children, at the time. Her behaviour was so extreme and frightening, nothing felt real. I think I was i shock, for an infeasibly long time. I actually feel sick thinking back to how terrified I was of her.
Now she's a memory and I'm not scared of anyone!
Please don't think that your life is going to be shit from now on! I know it is total shit right now but if you keep focused on your plan, your dh does his part and you do eventually get her out of your lives, things WILL get better and there will come a time where your can really relax and enjoy life and not have this black cloud hanging over you. I've had no contact with my evil relatives for six years now and life is SO much happier for us. You can find my threads about it all from back then if you want, MN was my only support and I was in a terrible state. I thought I would never feel normal. But I do.
Your daughters are still very very young. By protecting them now you are saving them years of misery (and I mean the relationship itself, the emotional blackmail and tension etc, let alone the possible abuse). One day you'll look back at this time and feel proud that you did the right thing when nobody else had the bollocks.
Been reading your posts with great interest, this
"My mil is very unbalanced, manipulative and unstable. My dh agrees with this. He credits her behaviour as causing his deep seated anxiety issues, previous depression, self esteem issues etc. She hates me as I have removed dh from her control. Fil enables her, admits she is v difficult person he doesn't want to spend time with (works abroad). But he will defend her to the hilt/ tell people to put up with her unreasonable behaviour etc. "
Could be me describing my dh and family even down to PIL who spends most of his time away from her abroad. Even when you said that she talked to counsellor about him having problems, my MIl also did this and tried to talk to DH therapist saying was it x y or z.
my DH also cannot remember alot of his childhood and is not a great talker. Him and his DS were bed wetters until about 10.
He knows what his DM is like however but I can tell he still wants to please her....
Anyway, as others have said you have done well, and good luck with your DH. x
I am not looking to upset you, op...and I think I am doing. For that, I am sorry. I don't know.. I guess, truthfully, that I think your head is all over the place & I am trying to help (perhaps not though) you see that what you are doing might not work. I appreciate that I am reminding you how, as you say, "shit your life is" and I am sorry! I will stop.
I hope you can get some support, and can I just say that I do think, in time, your family will be OK again. You do sound strong and despite what has been thrown at you here (and yes, I agree I did that too) you have kept calm & rational.
Good Luck op, I mean that sincerely.
His therapy is going to (as you all hope) help him remember & come to terms with his past. What if he remembers & then tries to take steps to remedy/put right his memories? Denies them & tries to prove it didn't happen, i.e takes your girls to her house?
Don't say that he won't do it, because a lot of men do stuff that their wives never thought possible. (You only have to look at Relationships to know that! Even more so when they are confronted by things they don't want to deal with)
What if you are out & she rocks up? She totally overwhelms him & he lets her in? He shuts down around her, she is bound to be able to wheedle her way in!
Don't say she won't travel, narcissistic people are unpredictable & will do anything to self serve. And once she gets wind of your plans, she will do exactly that!
I think you need to find some support for you...now! And I don't mean on a website. I don't see this improving, even in the long term, because his mother has way too much power over him. He would rather believe her than you because otherwise it is too painful. Regardless of the painkillers you were on at the time (that is just his excuse that he gives himself not to go along with you) he is believing her over you by not doing anything wrt her behaviour. He knows how destructive she is, he lives with that everyday, but he won't see it, he is fooling himself & you, sorry!
I wasn't looking for you to give me a well done for cutting contact, I was trying to show you it is easier just done, just like that, no messing around.
I do understand why you took this route, but I really do think you are putting too much on your dh to change. And in a year, damage can be done. Your dh is unpredictable, he will do anything to prove that she is not a danger to his girls, because he has to prove it to himself.
I know no amount of me going on will change your mind, I just want you to be prepared for the fallout. If it were just you & your dh, I would probably not have commented on this thread, but there are children involved. Have you even thought of the possibility that what you saw wasn't even the first & second time? That your dd regressed/was clingy/doesn't like her changing her nappy because of what happened? She already shows signs of distress & subjecting her to her abuser is just going to add to that! Subjecting a child to their abuser, even if nothing is happening tells that child that you think nothing is wrong. That isn't the message I would even want my kids to have.
Fandom Keep those measures in place, because one day, your DH will confront that past, even if he doesnt want too, once he has then removing her will be alot easier.
I hope you are taking care of yourself too fandom. Do you have someone supporting and caring for your emotional needs, is your mum supportive? You're an amazing mother - you really are xx
Fandom, I remember your original thread and think you are handling an incredibly difficult situation, very well. Ignore the unsupportive posters, you clearly have the interests of your dds and your dh at heart.
Fwiw, though I'm sure she's last person you wanted to spend your time with, sticking to your mil like glue gives her the very clear message that she's not going to get away with anything because you are onto her.
It's a horrible situation and I think that you are to be congratulated for still going to the wedding.
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