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Think dp has ruined my relationship with my dsis :(

(24 Posts)
YoYoYoMrWhite Wed 07-Nov-12 15:18:45

My family don't really like dp. He left me for a while a couple of years ago and I was very upset and they supported me then we got back together and they didn't really approve.
However things have got better lately and my dsis who I adore has been comfortable in my home and talking to dp normally again.
My dsis and I have an arrangement that I sometimes watch her dc while she works and she takes and picks up my dd from nursery 3 times a week as her ds attends the same one.
I love having my nephews however during the half term dsis dropped them at about 8 am and them and my dc were making a lot of noise I calmed them down but from about 9.30 I was cleaning the kitchen and just left them to it they were only playing but it was sort of noisy.
Dp has a chronic illness which means he is in constant pain I had left him in bed but he stormed downstairs at 10am and was very nasty to me and refused to stop when I told him nephews were here. He carried on bitching and sniping at me until 12 then I don't know why he flipped and really shouted at me and punched a door. I took my nephews outside to walk them down to my dsis who was due home and he stormed past us shouting nasty stuff.
I was very upset and when my dsis turned up I apologised and she kept saying it was fine but just got her dc coats on and took them.
I texted and said sorry again and she said it was fine again but now a few days later she is only giving one word replies to me texts and when she picked up dd this morning she basically blanked me.
I don't blame her tbh I just feel so alone.
Dp has said sorry and while I know he is in pain I am sick of his moods and temper I also know he wouldn't have done this if his nephews were here.
I also wonder if part of him has done this out of spite as he was moaning about having them 3 times a week when in his words all she does is a ten minute school run. I've tried to explain that families like helping each other and I leaving my nephews but he just wants problems sad.
I'm so so sad.

YoYoYoMrWhite Wed 07-Nov-12 15:19:35

Sorry for typos not used to this touchscreen yet.

Numberlock Wed 07-Nov-12 15:26:01

Never mind your sister, my immediate concern would be how to get rid of your partner.

I presume the history to your family not liking him is because of examples of similar behaviour in the past?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 07-Nov-12 15:26:02

What do you get out of this relationship with your man now?.

Why are you together at all?.

Do you feel this man is actually taking any responsibility for his actions or is he just blaming you all the time for everything that goes wrong in his eyes?.
Chronic pain does not give him carte blanche to shout at you and punch doors; there is no justification or excuse for his actions.

He has bereated you for two hours straight and then punched a door; both are signs of domestic abuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 15:28:03

There's a good reason your family don't like your DP. It's because they love you and want to protect you. You're right about it being spiteful and that he's a man that likes to create problems. I suspect he's trying to isolate you from your family because they've seen through him. There is never a good excuse for violent aggressive behaviour and people who go around punching doors and being verbally abusive in front of small children cannot use illness as an excuse.

You don't have to be alone. I'm sure if you told your DSis that you were 'sick of the moods and temper' she would be really pleased to help you get yourself out of what sounds like an unpleasant relationship.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 07-Nov-12 15:29:42

What are his good points?

Your sister is still doing the afternoon school run for you, she is still replying to your texts. It may be that she cant think of anything nice to say about the situation so is not saying anything at all.

drizzlecake Wed 07-Nov-12 15:30:45

I would say you are going to have to have a conversation with DP about his behaviour. I really don't think that being ill (or old or any of the other excuses) allows you to be nasty and threatening, a bit grumpy maybe, but no more.

He is also using your DNs as an excuse to be angrier and nastier than usual from the sound of it. That isn't acceptable either.

Is he home all the time?

DSis is being selfish too as she is taking out his behaviour on you. So she needs a talking to too.

Decide where you want to go with this. If you like having DNs keep having them but maybe a bit less if DP is there? Plan what you are going to say to DP and be firm eg ' Your behaviour was unacceptable and I won't be spoken to like that, if you want to discuss DNs I am more than willing at an agreed time' Then you both have time to decide what you want to say to each other.
Hopefully come to a compromise on that.
Tell Dsis you were not to blame for the situation and that she shouldn't be blanking you (how rude to let you carry on childminding but to blank you!).

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 15:43:31

@drizzlecake... you don't think that, rather than 'rude', the Dsis was embarrassed when she came to collect the OP's DD? Nervous of a repeat performance from the nasty bugger living upstairs? And why should the OP stop helping her sister just because the DP can't keep a civil temper?

drizzlecake Wed 07-Nov-12 15:52:33

Dsis blanked Yoyo when she picked up her DD. It might be because she is angry with OP for having nasty DP but blanking OP is passive aggressive behaviour, no? If it was me and my sis I would have made a less than flattering comment about the DP, I wouldn't blank my DS.

NatashaBee Wed 07-Nov-12 15:54:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoYoYoMrWhite Wed 07-Nov-12 16:05:57

I'm still here my dsil has turned up will be back later.

ShamyFarrahCooper Wed 07-Nov-12 16:09:05

Do you think she is angry that a) he shouted at you in such a horrid way and b) did it all in front of her children as well as yours? I'd be furious if ds was subjected to hearing that.

Hope all is ok. You did nothing wrong, you are not at fault and you didn't deserve his abuse. Illness or not, you are not there for him to take his pain out on.

ShamyFarrahCooper Wed 07-Nov-12 16:09:32

damn too quick, I meant I would also be angry at hearing my sister spoken to in such a way.

YoYoYoMrWhite Wed 07-Nov-12 22:35:36

Ok, Thankyou all for your replies.
I have spoken properly to dsis and she is fine stressed about other things but is ok with me. I wouldn't blame her if she was pissed off I am pissed off too.
I have spoken to dp and told him it is not acceptable and f he can't control his temper we will be splitting up.
I understand he is in pain a lot of the time and depressed about being signed off work but it is not our fault and we do all we can to support him.

I seriously doubt his promises of not losing his temper but his outburst last week has somewhat cleared my head and I can see him for what he is sad which is a bully.

YoYoYoMrWhite Wed 07-Nov-12 22:36:20

I meant to add I am also not scared of not having him around anymore.

waltermittymissus Wed 07-Nov-12 22:40:17

OP my DH suffered with depression and never abused me, verbally or otherwise.

To be frank, I get mightily pissed off reading story upon story of people being nasty, abusive arseholes and then blaming it on depression.

Depression is an illness. A treatable illness and yes, it does have huge effects on your mood (also a sufferer!) but...you need to be very sure that you are seperating reasons and excuses IYSWIM.

I think your family don't like him because he's a prick.

olgaga Wed 07-Nov-12 22:44:14

I'd start doing some prep if I were you OP:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
https://www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
https://www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break – if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

YoYoYoMrWhite Wed 07-Nov-12 22:45:40

I don't think he's depressed I think he's an arsehole with a bad arm at this moment in time.
He's not diagnosed with depression or anything, but he in a lot of pain however I'm not excusing him I'm very pissed off.
I just don't know what to do right now, I think I need time to think.

YoYoYoMrWhite Wed 07-Nov-12 22:46:14

Thankyou Olgaga.

OxfordBags Wed 07-Nov-12 22:52:11

OP, I am disabled and am in chronic pain 24-7 (at least once a week to the point where I am writhing on the floor screaming and near-vomiting in agony) and I also suffer from depression and I have never behaved in that manner. NOTHING excuses his behaviour. He is choosing to behave like that, allowing himself to act that way. I feel really sorry for your nephews, it must've been terrifying for them and your sister must have been so upset and angry. All things considered, I think she is being remarkably good about it all. Your DP sounds like an immature, abusive arsehole. How can you even consider being with a man who would allow himself to behave like that in front of children... amd behave like that to you?

NatashaBee Thu 08-Nov-12 00:34:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpheliaPayneAgain Thu 08-Nov-12 05:52:48

A bad arm isn't 'chronic illness'..

Mind you if this thread were writeen on a reverse OP, I wonder what the advice would be to a mother dropping her kids off to her isters, where the partner is violent and punches holes in things and 'shouts nasty stuff' at visitors\. I think the advice would be 'look for other child care'.

Lueji Thu 08-Nov-12 07:25:53

I know people who are indeed in a lot of pain and with degenerative diseases who don't shout all the time.

fiventhree Thu 08-Nov-12 08:49:16

Clearly, and rightly, you also think that his behaviour is very wrong.

And in front of children, too, which is very telling about his character that he can punch doors and be generally aggressive in front of them.

I think a good question to ask yourself, OP, is why you think you are tolerating this sort of behaviour from him.

Also, it is your home too, and you have an equal right to dictate what heppens in it- ie who visits and who punches doors, for that matter.

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