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Please help - any advice much appreciated!!(7 Posts)
Sorry in advance if this is a bit long winded but would like to give a bit of background.
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years and we are really happy together. For the last 18 months I have been really pushing to get engaged. Although I have always known that my boyfriend is not as bothered as me about marriage and a family, when I have asked in the past he had always assured me this is what he wants.
In June, we had a petty argument one day which resulted in him breaking down and telling me he's not so sure he does want the same things in life as me. He said he had been out shopping for rings and it had made him doubt what he wanted in life. I was understandably upset but we both agreed that we would give it a few months for us both to consider what we wanted and not make any hasty decisions.
This has obviously been going on for a while now with no decisions being made. I am prepared to compromise with him but will always want a family and I'm not prepared to give this up which I have told him several times. I was then becoming increasingly uptight and upset at home and it was making our relationship difficult. After speaking to a work colleague, I walked out 2 weeks ago with the sole purpose of giving us both some space to sort things out and make a decision once and for all. He then rang me at the weekend after not speaking for the whole time, and asked me to go round to chat about it. He said that he really wants to want the same things as me however he has always thought he would never really had kids so needs some more time to get his head around the idea. He has also asked me to move back in but I'm not sure this is such a good idea as I feel life will go back to how it was before and no decisions will be made. He has suggested that 2 month would give him enough time to come to some conclusions.
To add to this, he had a fairly traumatic childhood and I suspect this has altered his views, however I have tried to suggest this several times and he is adamant it has nothing to do with that so I don't know what else to do.
I really want to make this relationship work but I don't know what to do anymore. I really want to move back in and the possibility of 2 months apart seems unbearable but I don't want him to be back in a place where he won't make a decision.
Any advice would really be much appreciated as I am in a bit of a predicament!
I think you should move on and find someone who wants the same things as you do
This man does not, he has made it quite clear
He is dangling a carrot because he likes having you around, but I really think you should not be relying on him to commit to you
After seven years and the many conversations you describe, anyone who says they need another 2 months to come to a conclusion is not being honest. He's just kicking the can down the road. 'Wanting to want the same things' is a strange thing to say after all that time, knowing how strongly you feel on the subject I would give him his 2 months but living separately rather than together. It'll also give you 2 months to work on being independent, work on your social life, maybe even meet new people.
My fear would be that if you did manage to persuade this man to marry you and have children or whatever, there would always be that 'I only did this because you made me' thing hanging over your head. A friend experienced just that and her DH totally absented himself from anything to do with their DCs... because 'they were your idea, not mine'.
Hi Cogito, I am 25 and he is 37 which probably doesn't bode well either as you would think at 37 he would have some idea of where his life is going. He is a very methodical and indecisive person and is like this with all sorts of things although nothing this serious.
Not that I want to defend him, as I honestly want to do what is best for us both but when we first got together, I was only just 19 and had no desire to have a family either so he has not really lead me down the garden path, it is only over the past couple of years that I have really started to feel as if I want those things.
Thank you for replying
Funnily enough, the friend I mentioned earlier was about 30 when she got together with her DH, then in his mid forties. She was very much the young, trendy career woman and I think he was gambling that she'd stay that way and simply look after him exclusively. He never wanted children so there was no garden path there either, but her views changed and she thought that he'd warm to the idea eventually. He never did. Led to a huge amount of animosity between them
A friend years ago told me a great piece of advice her dad told her - never stay with a man who is confused about what he wants. Simple and true.
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