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How does it all work?!

(5 Posts)
WarmBooties Tue 06-Nov-12 20:37:14

Ok, this is going to sound really silly, but I have 3 children, and me and their father have never done things properly. Got together very young, and now 8 years later, 3 children later we are determined to put the past in the past and do things properly.

So can I ask how does it work?
I was thinking a 50/50 split in things? However in the past he ran up 3k of debts in my name- for the sake of or relationship is it just OUR debts now?

We both work full time, he probably earns more (I don't know how much he earns! We are having 'THE big talk tonight about everything). So maybe get a joint bank account and put say 60% of our earnings in, and use all this for bills.. then the rest is ours to do what we want? At the moment, I am technically a single parent and get help with childcare, I'm thinking though that he doesn't realise that when we are together it is going to cost a bomb, and he needs to pay half as well doesnt he?

Another issue is the DC.. I do 99% of everything. On his day off he does a bit more- but he has odd days off, they are not scheduled, plus sometimes goes away for weeks at a time working. But in a relationship it should be equal shouldn;t it? His job is a manual job- very hard work. Mine isn't though.. plus he finds it harder with the 3 DC then me.. I gather that all relationships are different, and we will have to work something out that suits us, but on the whole what i'm planning on proposing tonight is ok isn't it?

SorryMyLollipop Tue 06-Nov-12 21:03:23

Ok, so do you live together? have you lived together before? How have you managed up to now with accounts/wages/bills/childcare etc?

WarmBooties Tue 06-Nov-12 21:09:41

We tried living together a few years ago, it didn't go down well. Lasted a few months in which I did everything.. Now he has had a job that he has kept down for nearly a year, he has saved, and seems sensible!

Up to now I have done EVERYTHING! He has lived with his mum. Oh but he has put away £50 a week in savings for the children that I insisted on (and seen the statements!), and he does take us out to eat a fair bit.

Literally have never done it properly. He was my first bf, so I have no experience. At the beginning of December I would like us offically living together, doing things properly!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 09:26:40

Before you rush into anything.... You have a man that ran up £3k in debts in your name (which you are solely responsible for btw), whom you have lived with recently and it 'didn't go down well', treats his children more like an uncle would treat nephews and neices than a father would treat sons and daughters, finds 3DCs hard, and lives with his mum ... so probably doesn't shift himself much around the house.

First thing you have to set up in concrete is that you and he would be equal partners. Means equal sharing of housework, child-care, leisure time and all decision-making. That's got to be 100% agreed before you move anywhere. No excuses like hard manual jobs etc.

If you can get the above agreed and decide to move in together then you have to protect your finances as an unmarried woman. He doesn't sound good with money at all and you cannot afford to make yourself reliant on him in any way Glad you're having a big talk because you need full open book on what he earns, what you earn and what additional income you have (tax credits or whatever) together with a realistic assessment of the all the costs of your new household - bills, rent/mortage, groceries, insurance, savings. £50/week it ain't...

Make sure you retain your own bank account therefore into which all your income, tax credits, CB or anything else are paid. Both of you then pay a standing order into a joint account which you set up with Direct Debits for household bills. Have some joint savings for emergencies but make sure that two signatures are required to withdraw cash. Also have some savings for yourself in case it doesn't work out. If you are renting or have a mortgage make sure that both names are on any documents.

DragonMamma Wed 07-Nov-12 09:40:49

I would check the tax credit thing first, I think the limit for 3dcs is £38k before you lose everything so that's worth keeping in mind as I know plenty of people that can't have their partners move in because the cost of childcare is prohibitively high and they'd lose their tax credits.

Other than that we've always pooled all our money and whatever is left after all bills etc is split, but that's usually not a lot these days.

I do also have my own account which get my maintenance for DC1 in

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