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Would you be upset?

(12 Posts)
Mimishimi Tue 06-Nov-12 13:34:30

If your husband accepted a position abroad, moved over there with the intention of you moving a couple of months after him but you could not because it was impossible to get your two children into any of the English medium schools due to long waiting lists and he insisted he had to work 12+ hour days to settle in anyway (after a disastrous visit where we saw him for a max of a couple of hours a day). So you returned back to your home country during which time your daughter sat difficult examinations for entry into the top schools in the state, results came back and she received admission into a school which for the past ten years, has been the second top school in the state for final year results across all schools (state and private). You argue with your husband for a month why she should attend this school and he should come back but he sees otherwise. You try to compromise by sending said daughter over for a few months to attend a fairly good school there which she only just received admission to during which time he finally realises that, yes, she is just entering adolescence, and yes, her behaviour reflects that (it's not just because of her crazy mum). You finally prepare yourself to move, you've been taking language lessons etc, you're just about to pull your other child out of school (and they will be missing at least a month), you've told everyone that you are moving, he's paid thousands in school fees/computer etc for daughter over there, you've packed all the bags and then and then 1 and a half weeks before moving, he suddenly says he's not sure, "the decision is not made but I am leaning toward not staying' and maybe we shouldn't move after all and to "think of it as a holiday"?

Sorry if it's all a rambling mess but it's absolutely doing my head in tonight.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Nov-12 13:50:28

I'd be furious. He's not acting like a team player or taking the rest of the family into consideration. You don't move your entire household to another country until and unless you're dead sure it's what they all want and that it's going to work for everyone involved. I would personally veto any more ideas of overseas jobs until your DD has finished her education... either that or he does what others do i.e. take the position, rent a flat and fly home for visits.

mutny Tue 06-Nov-12 13:59:08

Sp after all the arranging and back and forth, he has decided at last minute to change his mind. sp is he coming home?
can your dd still attend the good school?
what are his reasons?

I would be more than upset tbh.

Mimishimi Tue 06-Nov-12 22:16:54

Yes, our daughter could still attend the school here. I've explained the situation to them and have paid the initial fees required. They said they will treat it as though she is still coming until next year. I am upset because he is constantly wavering. He hates being accused of that but it is true. I would be happy for her to return and attend but I don't think his indecision is really based on that. If I was really treating this like we were going on a holiday, I will unpack half my things and once we get there, he will change his mind yet again and we won't have what we need. His work there is going well and tax rates are very low (much much lower than here) so, actually, I would be very surprised if he really does want to come back. Perhaps he feels by giving the appearance of being indecisive, he is looking like he is giving some consideration to my preferences? When we were having the heated discussions back in July he was adamanant that life was much more convenient there, now he is saying that life is less stressful in our home country? I am currently trying to figure out whether he really wants us there or not sad I have an awful feeling his ideal situation is to send our daughter back so he does not have to bother with her, and continue working there alone (he has a rented a place and we visit about every three months). This long-distance thing is definitely not a situation that I want to continue.

SoSoMamanBebe Wed 07-Nov-12 06:15:36

In this circumstance put your daughter first. You can't to and fro all the time and you already feel resentment, so if it doesn't work out fantastically in the new country, I suspect you will blame him and have some serious issues.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 06:34:55

Sounds to me like he's engineering things so that you stay put with your DD and he can carry on with the long-distance bachelor life. I'd be having a very frank conversation with him that encompassed not just the job and location but also what he truly feels about your relationship.

dearprudence Wed 07-Nov-12 06:39:17

Not sure I understand the details. Are you saying that your daughter is currently there with just her father and is attending school there for a few months? If so, who is looking after her while your husband works long days?

ripsishere Wed 07-Nov-12 06:45:53

I agree with cogito.
Which country is it? will commuting be possible? I know my DH had a horrible year in Belgium when me and DD went back to the UK.
He missed her dreadfully, not so sure whether he missed me anywhere near as much.
OP, your DH is wanting his cake and eating it too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 07-Nov-12 07:05:37

@ripishere.... I personally know two men that deliberately chose overseas appointments away from family. One had a very rocky marriage and enjoyed the weekly peace and quiet.... and the other spent many years trying out the gay lifestyle before officially announcing it..

mutny Wed 07-Nov-12 07:59:07

Personally I think he is up to something. Sorry, its not a conclusion I usually jump to.
He either doesn't want you there full time so he can enjoy a more free lifestyle or perhaps something along the lines of an affair.

I hate to suggest it. I wouldn't usually but if I were that is what I would suspect. That he is attempting to stop you moving.

WineGoggles Wed 07-Nov-12 08:34:14

Put your daughters first and don't move. If he wants to go let him, and let him settle for a good long while before even contemplating joining him. He's clearly undecided, either about the move or about your relationship.

TheHairyDieter Wed 07-Nov-12 08:36:45

Personally I think he is up to something... He either doesn't want you there full time so he can enjoy a more free lifestyle or perhaps something along the lines of an affair.

I am sorry, but that was my first thought also sad

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