I know, there are a million and one threads about whether to stay or go in a relationship. I hope you will be kind enough to read on and give me some honest thoughts. I cannot go on much longer.
Back story as briefly as I can. I have been with DH for 15 years (since I was mid 20s). We have been married for 7, and have two DC, who are 2 and 5. DH is a very good man. He has a good job, he's a great father, he is kind and intelligent and is a good husband.
When DH and I met, we had that normal rush of sexual attraction; I'd say it lasted a year or so. But actually, if I'm honest, fairly early on it started to wane. The attraction for me was definitely that he was a nice, secure, stable man who appeared to really love me. I knew he'd be a great father and husband. Forward to 3 or 4 years in, I knew I just didn't find him physically attractive any more. Cue a very painful, very very painful break up, where I minimised any discussion about sex, just said I wasn't ready to settle down etc.
And then, after about 6 months I realised that I missed him. Very much. I loved him. So I contacted him and told him this, and told him that I wanted to be with him. We talked and talked and ended up getting back together. And in my head I compromised. I told myself that i could live with the fact that I didn't fancy him really. That the trade off was a good one. So we got married and had children. And were relatively happy.
Until January this year, when one night I came home late from being out with friends. He was waiting up and asked if I was having an affair (I wasn't of course). When I asked why he asked that, he said that our sex life was awful and had been for a long time, but he had been too nervous to bring it up. and he's right. It has been. I hate having sex with him; I do it, because I love him and I love our family but it is really something I would happily never do again.
it was an awful night. we talked long into the night and I was as honest as I could be (I said the sexual 'spark' had gone for me, not 'I haven't wanted you to touch me for years'). We agreed to go for counselling (sex and relationship) and now we are almost a year on. And the bottom line is that I feel like we've got nowhere. Our relationship is not a bad one. I haven't gone off him because of his behaviour, or small children, or anything like that. I feel in my heart like I just don't fancy him any more and haven't for many years.
Sorry this is so long. I know that you're all going to say (if you have read this far) that I shouldn't have married someone I knew I didn't find sexually attractive. I know that, and I am so ashamed. I can only say that I loved him, I do love him, and I thought that it would be OK. That I could psyche myself up. I was scared of being alone too.
and now - here we are. Crunch. Two small children who adore their daddy. I have tried a year of counselling and I don't think it is going to work. I honestly feel some days like ending it all, because that would almost be easier than hurting this lovely man and telling him it is over, and hurting my children.
and what lies out there for me anyway? How can I leave a marriage just because of sex? I am doomed to be alone forever, right? Please help me.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Tell me what to do - please. I'm really at my wits end. Should I go?
BoccadiLupa · 06/11/2012 12:34
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