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It's happening all over again!

(17 Posts)
sadsong Tue 06-Nov-12 08:45:04

Following on from my light hearted chat late last night in chat, the reality has hit me this morning. First marriage divorced on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, abusive, controlling, it wasn't good. I left taking dc with me. That followed by a long gap of living on my own with dc happily, although I did have another abusive relationship during that time but we never lived together, thank god. I've now remarried. Last night went horribly wrong. So we were arguing and I slammed the door shut after dh walked through it, as he was being very confrontational and I'm not good at that. While slamming the door behind him I dropped a cup so bent down to pick it up, he swung the door open into the side of my head, very hard. Instead of going omg I'm sorry I know we were arguing but I didn't mean to do that, he told me to stop crying as I was milking it. The door didn't even touch me. I burst into tears on impact. It was excruciating. Because it's in my hairline I agree there's nothing much to show for it, except a bump. But it hurts like hell. A barrage of abuse followed I hit him back I'm afraid. My whole life flashed before me and I flipped out entirely. Im the common denominator in all these 3 failed relationships. And it's happening all over again isn't it.

I went downstairs and he came down later, not to apologise but to accuse me of more. He said I contemplated opening the knife drawer. I definitely didn't. I wouldn't. I know I hit him and I shouldn't have but his joy at seeing me in pain was just horrible. It didn't even cross my mind about a knife. He's twisting it isn't he? I'm now so confused and he said it's all my own fault.

Whatever you say please go gently I think I'm concussed. Throbbing headache and I feel sick. I'm just v confused.

sadsong Tue 06-Nov-12 09:01:21

I know it's long sorry but could do with a hh?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Nov-12 09:02:56

Sorry you've had this experience. The 'common denominator' as you put it is that you've been unlucky enough to choose a series of men as partners with varying degrees of aggressive/abusive behaviour. That doesn't make it your fault although, I agree, there appears to be a pattern.

If your first experience of a long-term relationship was with someone abusive and controlling then that can colour what you think is normal.... so, when the next person comes along, you are judging them by their predecessor rather than someone not abusive or aggressive at all. They can seem kind by comparison, when they are not kind at all. It's only human as well to find similar 'types' attractive. Abusive people don't throw metaphorical punches on the first date but there are features they have in common... 'red flags'... that you can learn about.

I wonder, what was your childhood like? Did you have abusive parents or were your parents in an abusive or aggressive relationship with each other? Have you learned about adult relationships from an unreliable source?

I think you need to get your current DH out of your house after the last incident. Act quickly.... he's already trying to blame you for his actions.... and then give yourself some thinking time about what to do next. This is very serious. Good luck

Jennylee Tue 06-Nov-12 09:03:55

is he trying to say you would have gone for a knife but there was no reason to think that ? to sort of blame you for thought crime? for thoughts you didnt even have? well that is gaslighting and crazymaking right there. He is trying to put all the blame on you but it takes 2 to argue, and one nasty man to be remorseless when his partner is hurt, it does not mean its your fault it means you are too nice and these men see it and then treat you badly. I dont know what to say, you were trying not to be a victim and he is making you think he is then a victim, it sounds bad but if you can mutually work it out its not too bad, but he has to take some responsibility for it going wrong last night, working it out shouldent be you begging for forgiveness while he makes you fell worse and gains power over you. he would have to see ti was an argument and he accidentally hurt you but then he escalated things. write down your thoughts so he cannot convince you you went for a knife if you didnt and then both would need to equally sorry, or he needs to give you some space ,

be sure of yourself , only mutual apology and understanding will do otherwise he is being controlling and nasty and twisting things

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Nov-12 09:05:49

You might also want to call Womens Aid. 0808 2000 247. They can give very good advice for short-term help. Also they can help if you feel you are in a repeat pattern of ending up with abusive partners. Their 'Freedom Programme' for example, could be well worth a look.

Offred Tue 06-Nov-12 09:06:26

Firstly, if you think you have a concussion please go to the doctor's or phone NHS direct for advice.

Secondly, try to calm down and very calmly ask him to leave for an unspecified amount of time so that you can get some perspective on what has happened and how you feel.

Jennylee Tue 06-Nov-12 09:12:01

I would think asking him to leave so u can think would be good. I tend to go numb in these situations, carry on as normal, then I get angry later and its too late to draw boundaries and talk about it as things have moved on , and then I unwittingly minimise bad behaviour in my life. so dont go numb do tell him to give space if he shows no softening or remorse, and keep dignity draw a boundary, that u are not a weak victim that believes anything she is told, u are his equal not a hysterical female, write down what happened, then no one can tell u what happened and make shit up

sadsong Tue 06-Nov-12 09:12:49

Thankyou ladies. I just feel v lonely this morning. My teenage son heard some of what went on last nt. Before he left for school he asked me what happened. I couldn't answer him.

Offred Tue 06-Nov-12 09:14:42

Tell the truth and reassure you are dealing with it, it will motivate you to deal with it. Lying like that is covering it up, he will worry.

sadsong Tue 06-Nov-12 09:48:42

I didn't lie. Ive never lied to ds. I simply didn't speak. He kissed me and gave me a hug and said he loved me. Poor love he's seen me in a heap too many times. sad

To answer my background. I had a very stable and happy upbringing. My parents are absolute rocks. They've been together 45 yrs and I wouldn't be anything without them. No I absolutely cannot blame then for bad parenting. It's me. I think I give too much and then am disappointed when the oh doesn't give back.

sadsong Tue 06-Nov-12 09:52:28

He's now apologised. That certainly doesn't make it ok though. It's occurred to me where the knife thing came from though! His mum went for his dad with a knife and it's a vivid memory for him. I've told him that's his past creeping into our relationship and I've never given him reason to think I'd ever do that to him. It was so shocking he'd say that. But I'm sure that's where it's come from. Now thinking about it rationally.

SundaysGirl Tue 06-Nov-12 10:21:59

I am really sorry this happened, I think the ladies above have given really good advice.

Can I just add though...I remember a couple of scary incidents in my childhood that I witnessed from my parents. What really affected me over the years was it was never talked about and they just went back to how they normally were...leaving me not really able to process or understand what had happened. I am convinced that it made these incidents much more impactful than they needed to be. If they had just talked and explained what was going on, even if it was negative, it would have helped me a lot I think.

Do you think you might be able to talk to your son this afternoon when he comes home from school?, it's really scary hearing something and not knowing what has happened, all sorts of scenarios could be going through his head. He sounds very caring and worried for you.

It must have been horrible for your husband to witness this with the knife..but this does not give him an excuse I am afraid to act the way he did and then try to minimise it. I'd be most owrried that he seemed to take so much pleasure in you being hurt.

BertieBotts Tue 06-Nov-12 10:35:00

It's very common for abuse victims to repeat the pattern and continue to have relationships which turn abusive. It is not your fault, and it's not because you're too nice of a person or anything like that - you don't have to turn into a cold-hearted monster to not suffer abuse. You can continue being you, AND have happy relationships. I think it would definitely be worth doing something like the Freedom Programme or the Pattern Changing course, Women's Aid will probably have details of both in your area.

Try not to hang on to his past as excusing anything - you're absolutely right that it's shocking he would accuse you of that, hold onto that. Whatever his past, his issues, they are his to deal with, not yours.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Nov-12 10:42:41

"He's now apologised. That certainly doesn't make it ok though"

What's your plan then? What would make it OK? You sound as though the incident woke you up as well as scared you and you think you've made a mistake marrying a similar sort of man as you've experienced before. Have there been other, less serious, incidents in your marriage? Are arguments common? Do you feel 100% comfortable that you could say or do anything you pleased or do you find yourself holding back or changing your behaviour for fear of his reaction?

Do take this opportunity to really think about anything in your relationship that makes you uncomfortable. As I said earlier, abuse tends to escalate. People can be on good behaviour to begin with but they will gradually - sometimes imperceptibly - ramp up the bad behaviour over time. Disagreements become sniping. Sniping becomes arguing. Arguing becomes threatening behaviour. Threatening behaviour becomes violent behaviour. etc.

sadsong Tue 06-Nov-12 11:15:15

I've always felt safe in arguments before. But yes it has awoken me a bit well a lot. I lived a life before where I put the key in the lock and never knew what I was walking into. I don't ever want to feel like that again. We've been together 4 yrs but this is the first occasion it's been like this. I said to him this morning while he was trying to apologise and I was trying to ignore him, that what about next time??? He said what do you mean next time? Next time we argue? He sat with me on the stairs and we talked for a bit. He said he'd give me some some to think. as was said upgraded I am a but numb.

Sadly I'm no stranger to concussion. I have calcified lumps on the back of my head that came from previous relationship, where my head smacked onto the floor when I was pushed backwards. So I'll be careful. But I have no wish to add this to my medical record. Sorry if no one understands that. But my lifes been an open book at times and I don't need do gooder health professionals asking questions. They can be as bad as anyone for sticking ideas in your head. I need to think this through calmly.

When ds gets home I will have a proper chat with him. He's no fool, he knows me better sometimes than I know myself.

sadsong Tue 06-Nov-12 11:16:56

Sorry upgraded= upthread!

sadsong Tue 06-Nov-12 22:12:21

Thankyou to those who posted earlier. I've spent all day thinking things through. I'm still thinking.....about the next step.

Ds is fine, we had a chat about life and the universe etc. Clearly he was concerned but he's so grounded we can talk about everything and always have. I surprised myself this morning when I just couldn't speak at all. It was like my dad catching me with my hand in the biscuit barrel? confused I didn't want to lie but didn't entirely know what to say because I didn't know the answer. hmm

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