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Husband left 12 days ago, we have a 3 year old son

(14 Posts)
KDKDKD Tue 06-Nov-12 08:34:39

Dear ladies,

I always thought that I would know if my husband was having an affair but I was completely in the dark and still would be if his email acct didn't have an automatice sign in via my laptop.

He has built an emotional relationship one with one of his x girlfriends which makes it even more painful and to top it off he hasn't told me that he doesn't want us anymore. Also he is feeding me a pack of lies about not being available to see our son, he' has not seen him for 10 days now.

2 weeks ago, I found a photo on his mobile phone, a picture of his 'erect member' sent to someone in his address book that was just initials, I confronted him with it and he said it must of been a work colleague. I asked for a copy of the telephone bill, four days later no bill, he walked out saying he wanted a trial separation, as what was the point if there was no trust !

August Bank Holiday we had a big D&M, neither of us were really happy. We've been together for 8 years, married for 2 (on this NYE) and have a 3 year old son. I just thought that we were in a bit of a rut and that it would turn around. We seemed to be getting on better even though the bedroom department wasn't happening.

Seeing the emails from them both is so hurtful, but at least it makes it so final for me, there is not a shred of love left for him just pure disgust and disbelieve. I can't believe that we had a life together for 8 years and how little resect he has shown me. Feel like telling him that I know all about his sad new life but then I want to wait to see how much longer he would keep it going for without telling me.

Biggest worry I have right now is keeping the house over our heads, i only work part time. What a mess. Feels like I'm having an out of body experience !

x

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Nov-12 08:54:43

Sorry it's come to an end for you. It's often a shock. Easier said than done, I realise, but you've got to take him out of the picture and make you and your DS top priority. Get friends and family around you because you'll need their support and then get some legal advice either through CAB or with a solicitor. As he's left the family home, start the ball rolling declaring yourself a single parent for things like Tax Credits and any other help available. The lack of contact with your DS is very upsetting .... but in a way, by hardening your heart, it'll make other things easier to deal with more real. There will be no residual sympathy holding you back,

NormaStanleyFletcher Tue 06-Nov-12 13:11:19

So sorry you are going through this.

Try to get the practical stuff sorted. Get copies of any financial info (pay slips, p45s etc), try to get your benefits sorted.

Get half an hour with a solicitor to see where you stand.

I am holding your virtual hand smile

schobe Tue 06-Nov-12 13:16:30

Forward copies of the emails to yourself - nothing worse than them vanishing and them him continuing the pretence that you're just a jealous, crazy lady. I know you mustn't particularly want to keep them though.

I think I would keep quiet about knowing as long as possible, if only just to keep access to his emails in case he lets on anything that might be important for finances/divorce.

SingingSands Tue 06-Nov-12 13:20:37

What a horrible man, he has let you and your son down dreadfully.

I can't offer much in the way of practical advice, but I couldn't read and run. Take the advice of the posters above about seeing a solicitor and keeping records. And yes, inform your family and friends (and his if they ask)of what is going on - you will be amazed by how much help and support you will receive, I've witnessed it first hand through my friend. Don't think you have to struggle alone, people will want to help you.

Good luck.

skyebluesapphire Tue 06-Nov-12 20:46:51

Sorry to hear it. You will get good advice and support on here.

My H walked out after an emotional affair with his mates wife.

That was in feb (he came back and went again at Easter). My divorce will be final any day now. It's been a horrific time but I am in a much better place than I was a few months ago and you will be too in a few months.

Do sort yourself out financially. advice tax credits, council tax etc.

essejay Tue 06-Nov-12 21:33:47

Hi KD, so sorry for you, but can assure you within just a few weeks you will start to feel better.

My H left just 5 weeks ago, he had an EA which I forgave and then found him on internet dating sites and like you it just destroyed any love and respect I had for him. Have to say the feeling of anger is what kept me going in the first few weeks, although still had the occassion wobble now and again. Now I'm looking forward to the future and am actually enjoying the positive side of being single. I have a DS who is 8 and I find a good focus is planning fun things to do, espeically things DH would have hated!

Finances is the tricky side, I am just keeping my head above water. Don't take to long to sort out the tax credits, I'm still waiting to hear from them and put my claim in on 25th Sept!

KDKDKD Sun 18-Nov-12 08:14:31

Thank you for great advice, went from comma like state for 2 weeks, to anger but last night i was up until 3am crying, I really miss the old hubby not this one that is a liar and betrayed me. Any good advice for coping with the rollar coaster of emotions... pls xx

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 08:23:17

KD, big hug for you. Been there done that.... It is do hard but you are acknowledging it which is half the battle.

I sat around for days not eating, crying shaking. I ended up on anti depressants for the sake of DD. BUT, what goes help is keeping yourself busy.

Allow yourself a cry, my counsellor says its s necessary release valve, but then put the problem away in a box in your mind and tell yourself that you will look at it later. In the meantime keep yourself busy. Visit friends or family, go to the park, put come loud music on and dance around. You may not feel like it but your kid will laugh at you and you will feel better.

On a practical level, ring WTC and see what extra you can get in your own, do it asap if you haven't already.

Accept that you will have lows but don't wallow in it . Believe me I do know what you are going through but diversion is the best tactic.

KDKDKD Sun 18-Nov-12 08:30:03

Thank you for help, sorry what is WTC pls?

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 18-Nov-12 09:31:41

Working tax credits

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 10:56:48

apologies for typos, stupid iphone. Yes Working Tax Credits. If you are on them already and you work part time, you should get a lot more money if you are on your own. I dont know if you rent or own, but you would definitely get a discount for single occupancy on council tax, so ring them as well.

Do you have a local Sure Start Childrens Centre near you? They can usually offer great help and support, financial and benefit advice, childcare, counselling, courses/creches to keep you busy and to make friends.

If you need any help with Tax Credits PM me.

KDKDKD Sun 18-Nov-12 13:06:16

Thank you ladies, forgot about sure start childrens centre and have applied for working tax credits. My son seems to be adapting very well, especially as he's saw his Dad yesterday for the first time in 10 days ! Best revenge is happiness I know but this has to be my hardest day so far (ruddy sundays) x

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 19:25:46

I hated Sundays for a long time. I've found the best thing to do is keep yourself busy. If I was home on my own all day I'd cry a lot. Go and see friends or go shopping, things like that

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