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I am obsessed with the loss of a close friendship.

(100 Posts)
Oblomov Tue 06-Nov-12 07:57:15

I posted on another thread, last week or so.
My post is the long one, about 5 from the top.

I just wanted to add, something to that other post.
Reading it back, it sounds very full on. But it wasn't really like that. Our friendship peaked and troughed, like anyother. Sometimes we saw alot of eachother, sometimes we didn't see eachother for ages. Pretty normal, I assume. I work 3 days a week. She was the class rep and knew lots of people, was very chatty. Which I encouraged her to take the class rep position. And was never jealous of that aspect. Our freindship sounds very full on, but actually over the course of 4 years, it wasn't that full on. I work, she didn't. Some weeks, I didn't see her at all. I chatted to other people in the playground, on the days when I did actually do pick up (not working). and then we would see eachother, realise we hadn't spoken for 1/2/3 weeks and come round to each others houses for a coffee and a catch up.

I was talking to my best freind about this last night.
The atmosphere in the playground is so icy. barely civil. I sit at work, 15 minutes before having to go to pick up, dreading going. Come on, thats not good. And about once every week or 2 weeks, I still have a little sob about it all. When you write that down, it sounds so pathetic.

I am so angry with myself. Why can't I get over this? I want to hit myself with a large slap and shout 'stop being such a wimp, you idiot'. But I still get upset by what has happened. Miss her. Worry about what I am going to do about about ds1's birthday party. I should invite her ds. He is still my ds's best friend. But she was also very very rude and offensive about my dh, that my dh has no time for her.

Why am I letting her get to me? What is wrong with me? Why can't i get over this?

Please could you give me a hard slap. wink
Or atleast give some sensible advice, with practical steps as to how to stop this hurting so much, how to be tougher on myself.

OatyBeatie Tue 06-Nov-12 08:36:01

You seem to describe the events with much more passion and intensity than would usually be felt at the loss of a schoolmum/neighbourhood friendship. So I wonder whether the intensity of the friendship might be part of the reason for its explosion. I can understand the tension and falling-out at the time of the cub holiday: accusations abut one child mistreating another are a big deal. But the later rowing seems odd, and perhaps you don't give enough info to make sense of it. Do you understand the reasons for it yourself?

Why do you need this person so much. Did she feel this way about you?

Perhaps I'm being unsympathetic because I just can't imagine caring so much about a friendship that clearly wasn't working out. But I'm sure the difficulty you have now will not last seven years! Time will heal. Also your sons can be friends, close friends, without their mums being friends

MarjorieAntrobus Tue 06-Nov-12 09:03:57

I've taken the liberty of cutting and pasting your post from that thread, mainly because it was such a long way into the thread that I almost gave up looking, and thought others would too, so here it is...

Add message | Report | Message poster Oblomov Tue 23-Oct-12 22:31:21
I have been dumped recently. I have sobbed and sobbed about it and seem incapable of gettign over it.
She was my closest friend. I have a best friend from uni, who now lives 3 hrs away, a very good schoolfriend, and a friend I made at work 2 years ago, who lives locally. But this woman was my closest local friend. School mum.
We met in reception, when we had both been dumped by other groups of mums. Our ds's didn't care for eachother initially, but became best friends. I always thought it would have been easier if they hadn't because i considered her my friend. We have 2 younger ds's who also adore eachother. We would pop round for cofee. She lives round the corner. We stagered home from school xmas drinks. My dh took her dh out for pints and dug his patio. We had 2 NYE's round at thiers with both boys. They came as a familty to have bbq's. She and I went and stayed in our caravan with the boys for a week. I valued her friendship HIGHLY.
The boys went on cub camp, this summer. On return, She said her ds didn't want to see mine. She phoned. She was on fire. telling me that my son had doen this and that. Terribel things she said. Turned out it was all lies and her ds had lied. But it was the way she treated me and what she said that really really hurt. I cried so much. Firstly for my poor son, who had done very little wrong. And his loss of a best friend (although they are back to being best friends again now, (how can that be maintained, when the mums are now at logerheads?). But more so for me. I was gutted that i had lost what I THOUGHT was such a close friend.
No contact all summer. Then, in the playground, she was talking to another mum about something that was so close to the mark, it was not appropariate. I told the other mum and her so.
She rang me. She was on fire. shouting and swearing, f**kign this, f**king that. In the nd, she was shouting at me, asking me why I didn't have much to say.
So I told her. Very calmly. I told her how upset i was at everything. I told her everything i wanted to say. I did myself proud.
she finally apologised, for her sons lying and how she had conducted herself.
I rang her the next day to say, that I was glad of the apology. But the swearing was not o.k. She apologised again. But since then, she has been cold as ice. I obviously didn't expect it to go back to how it was before... but......
I am stil so gutted for myself. And I feel sorry for my son, becasue I can not see how his friendship, with her ds, can be maintained. But this is not my sons fault.
I noticed that I had been de-friended on facebook. So i sent a message to ask if this was intentional. No response.
Dh has no comrpehension as to why i am so upset. My friends can't understand why I would want to be friends with her. But the sense of loss is incredible.
And i feel so sorry for my son. AND i have to go through years of still seing her every day at school. The ds's still have 3 years left. And my ds2 starts next year, so I will still have anoher 7 years of it. which just rubs salt into the wounds.

I don't know why this hurts me so badly. But the sense of grief is immense. I want to know when this is going to stop hurting.

CarpeJugulum Tue 06-Nov-12 09:14:41

This too shall pass...

Not school gate related, but I have been "dumped" by a work colleague I thought was a friend and it bloody hurt.

You need to acknowledge to yourself that it hurts, and work out why it hurts - maybe because she believed her son over you and didn't check the facts?

Once you've worked this out, it doesn't stop hurting, but you can face it head on. When your thoughts stray to the hurt, you can tell yourself why, and stop dwelling on it and you will think less and less about it.

As for seeing her daily, fake it. Fake it, and then fake it some more. Paste a smile on, do a polite acknowledgement and that's it. If your DS wants to see hers, then fine, drop off and pick up but don't interact; maybe arrange things by email for a bit.

Eventually, it does get better. But it does take time. Sorry.

LaCiccolina Tue 06-Nov-12 09:26:38

Well it sounds like u loved this woman. Just admit that to urself. Why do u think it would just take a day to get over if u did? I don't mean u wAnted an affair or anything crass, just u loved her.

So, give urself a bit of time to grieve. It will work out and u will find a balance and life will go on but for a few days grieve.

Then later wash ur face in cold water look in the mirror and bloody well get on with life.

SoggySummer Tue 06-Nov-12 09:29:34

You poor thing. I hope the grief passes for you soon. I have been dumped pretty much by my best mate of 28 years and I am in a terrible state. I can appreciate how hurt you feel and grief is awful. I miss her so much and feel so alone. I have not felt quite so hurt and rejected since being dumped by a boyfriend I loved very much, back in my youth.

I wish I could offer you more support. At the moment I am very low about it all and wonder if I am slipping into some mild depression as I am struggling with alot and to move on from this. People keep telling these feelings will pass and I suppose they will eventually. I got over being dumped by a much loved serious boyfriend in the past, I have moved on OK from deaths of loved ones - then I guess with time I will eventually get over this as well. Its just going to take time.

I can imagine how you are feeling and its shit. All I can do is hold your hand cos I am yet to come out the otherside too.

AlmostAHipster Tue 06-Nov-12 09:34:21

I think it's pretty normal to be upset after a friend has behaved so badly - I know I have loved friends who have then been total shits and it does stab you in the heart. However, given that she's not apologised sincerely so that you can resume the friendship, I think you just have to paint your 'game face' on in the playground and act in a polite but cool manner towards her.

She isn't who you thought/hoped she would be. I'm sorry.

Oblomov Tue 06-Nov-12 09:36:19

Thank you Antrobus for re-pasting my old thread. I didn't realise it wa so hard ot find. You didn't make nay comemnts. What do you think?

Oaty, you are so right. I do describe it with too much passion. I know this is wrong. I am just not sure quite how to adjust this.

And you are right, why do I need this so much? It exposes me as so very needy. the same basic problem. I know i need to adjust this.
And you comment, about the rowing. you mean the swearing? Well, that was a shock to me. thr tempoer, the agression, the viciousness. She told me the next day that her husband was tellign her to 'kill the call'. And that she did it because she was expecting me to have a go at her. But actually, I did not have a shouty go, but in a very calm way, tellign her how upset I was. I think it was just her defense mechanism. But an unacceptable one.
She does admit that she is totally overprotective.
But theat leads me, back to me. why I valued her so much. why I am so hurt by this. my hurt seesm ott, doesn't it?

"I just can't imagine caring so much about a friendship that clearly wasn't working out." well, up unto that conversation after cub camp, and the after conversation of swearing, it had worked up till then. Or I thought so.
Maybe i am just sad and missing the loss of the friendship, finding it hard to accept that it has gone so wrong. saddened that it has crumbled in such atagonistic and unpleasannness.
If friendships cool off, thats one thing. This seems very fireworky, don't you think?

Jugulum, yoiu are so right. I will try to be civil. And leave it at that. I will try.
I have done myself proud so far. I can continue to do so. I am sure it will get easier.

Oblomov Tue 06-Nov-12 09:43:49

Ciccolina, i have had my weeks to grieve. And I still sob. Thats can't be right. which was why I was asking you guys to give me a hard slap!! I feel ridiculous that my hurt still hurts so bad. I need to get a grip. I really do know that.

Soggy, I am so very sorry that this too has happened to you. I am afraid i have no wisdom to offer you. But i am sure, that as the other posters have said, this will get easier and easier for us.

Hipster, "She isn't who you thought/hoped she would be. I'm sorry. "
You are so right. Maybe that is also part of the hurt. Cross with myself that my judgement was so wrong.

amverytired Tue 06-Nov-12 09:49:52

I wonder if this is a bit like crying at a stranger's funeral.
Has the break-up of this friendship triggered off something else? The loss of another friendship? Or something similar? Did you feel abandoned emotionally at any stage by someone significant? What's your relationship with your parents like? Are there any issues there?

Don't be ashamed of how you are feeling. I think it's worth exploring, as it is triggering such strong emotions for you.

PotionMaker Tue 06-Nov-12 09:55:21

Sorry to hear you're in this situation Oblomov, it's horrible. I had a similar time last year with a school mum friend, although we weren't as close as you and your friend were. It's taken the best part of a year of being civil, nice and chatty but not over the top in the playground to get things back to being 'friendly' although we'll never be as close as we were, I don't think.
I don't know why you're so upset about this, although - and forgive me if this sounds unkind, I don't mean it to be - I do wonder if there is an element of you having stuck the boot in just a bit too much?
I don't excuse what she did at all, but it sounds from your post as if the first time you spoke to her about how upset you were, you got an apology from her and it could have been laid to rest then. You then spoke to her again and had a go about her swearing, and that seems to have been a bit too much, perhaps that's what made her think that you were pushing unnecessarily for further apologies and has made her cut you off. Obviously I could be wrong but that's how it comes across to me.
I wonder if part of you feels bad about that because if you'd just left things a the first apology it would all have been fine - and that's why you are finding it hard to move on? Again let me reiterate, I don't think you we're in the wrong, and her swearing clearly was out of order, but perhaps she felt you were trying to make her grovel and that then enabled her, in her own mind, to paint herself as the victim and you as the unreasonable one?
Either way, it sounds as if you need to ask her for a quiet chat, say that you are sorry for your part in the whole situation - because these things always go better with an apology and if you really want to have her friendship back it's not about who was fit or wrong or point scoring, it's about everyone feeling happier - and ask of you can both put it behind you. On the other hand if you don't want to do that, then perhaps the bring right / wrong thing is more important to you than the friendship. Personally I don't think she sounds like a terribly nice friend to have but equally I know how awful it is when you are dreading the school run and just want things to be friendly again. If it were me I'd swallow any pride, tell her you're sorry for the upset on both sides and ask if you can move on.

Hullygully Tue 06-Nov-12 10:00:11

It sounds to me like she is in shock over what's happened and rather than acknowledge to herself how awful she's been, she has shut down completely and decided to freeze you out. It is easier to do that than be warm and honest with herself and with you. There isn't anything you can do except as someone says up there ^^ be ocalm and polite and maybe she'll come round eventually.

Some people just aren't any good at being in the wrong. Hugs to you.

Hullygully Tue 06-Nov-12 10:00:33

Oh, and the probs partly the reason you are so upset is that it is so unfair.

Hullygully Tue 06-Nov-12 10:01:24

And yes, you asking for further apologies may have pushed her to the freezing thing.

Oblomov Tue 06-Nov-12 10:02:36

I have a very close relationship to my mum. And I tell her alot.
My best friend, I was on te phone to her last night. I can't keep harping on about this lost friendship, because it just seems over-emotional.
I have a few freinds. Not alot. I like close friends more. I have 2 close'ish friend who live closer to me.
I am good at small talk and pleasantries, in the playground. There are 6 or 7 people i can stand with at collecting time and make small talk with. I often think its a bit superficial, but it seems that theis is the way things are. I can easily do it. I say occassional 'morning' to 10-20 other playground mums. Is that not normla?

I lost my bests friend after school. when she was travelling and I went to visit her. But i thought i was long long over that. I hadn't even thought about that for many years.
When you askd me if i had been abandoned. My initial thought was no. I did not have any terrible relationships with men, in my younger days. I don't remember ever feeling abandoned.

I have a group of 6 PN mums who I go for an occassional drink with.

I am not bereft of social contact.

Does this all sound odd and un-balanced? I didn't realsie that it was.

HeathRobinson Tue 06-Nov-12 10:02:59

I agree with PotionMaker. Although she acted dreadfully, pushing for two apologies may have made her shut down to you.

Bluebell99 Tue 06-Nov-12 10:05:48

I think it was a big mistake to ring her a second time after the first apology, to get her to apologise for swearing. It is a mothers instinct to protect her child so can understand her reaction, although you didn't actually say what he accused your son of doing and how you know it was untrue. I think you have been too intense about this. I would back away too, if a friend was ringing me demanding apologies.

Oblomov Tue 06-Nov-12 10:09:32

Thank you. Potionmaker and Hully. I had nto considered that. How my phoning to commetn about eh swearing ,may have piuhed her too far. I had totally not considered thta. But I hera what you are saying.

"On the other hand if you don't want to do that, then perhaps the bring right / wrong thing is more important to you than the friendship." NO it SOOOO isn't. I just don't want to dread going there. I just don't want the icy atmosphere.

OatyBeatie Tue 06-Nov-12 10:11:32

I think in my earlier post I didn't give enough weight to how overprotective she was being about your sons' tussle at cub camp. Some parents do get immensely hung up in conflicts that are much better resolved when the children themselves deal with it more or less without adults -- and I guess that her over-involvement suggests something about her approach to conflict in her own social life, which it seems she handled very poorly in her relationship with you.

On the other hand, I was struck by the "two apologies" thing, too. And I was also very struck that in your first post you took the trouble to say, if I understood you right, that you were not jealous of her friendships with other mothers. I think no-one would have imagined that jealousy was involved at all, and the fact that you felt the need to deny jealousy does kind of make me think that perhaps there was some jealousy? Which makes me think that there was something problematic about the friendship even before the fallout?Forgive me if I am completely wrong there.

Oblomov Tue 06-Nov-12 10:15:49

I realise this now. I did not see it before. sad
Oh dear.

I was really shocked by the swearing. My husband said, that she shouldn't have shouted and sworn at me. It went on for 20 minutes, and I just sat there stunned.
But I realsie now that pushing for an apology on the swearing was maybe too much.

MarjorieAntrobus Tue 06-Nov-12 10:23:51

Hey, OP, no I didn't comment when I re-posted your old post. It took me a while to make sure all the parts of it got "bolded" and then I had to go and do a real life thing.


What struck me is that her rejection of you IS unfair. She seems a little volatile or unstable or something. She did not handle the cub camp issue in the way that I would expect another parent to do. She went straight into over-protective tigress mode, and then I guess felt backed into a corner from which she could not retrieve the friendship.

Fwiw, I still remember being dumped by a schoolfriend almost forty years ago. When I choose to think about it I can still remember my bemusement and hurt and abandonment.

You're not going to get any answers from your old friend. She has carved the friendship out of her life because she cannot work out how to reach you again. Actually her modus operandi, I guess, is to cut and run. She won't be able to renew the friendship with humility and grace.

The bastardy thing is that you would not have predicted it.

HeathRobinson Tue 06-Nov-12 10:26:53

I think she's probably acutely embarrassed by her behaviour and is protecting herself from further hurt (having her awful behaviour pointed out) by holding you icily at arm's length.

hairbearbunch32 Tue 06-Nov-12 11:01:00

Hi oblomov, this has happened to me also recently (for the 2nd time with the same friend!)

Our DD's were friends too (not best friends though) but had a "mild" falling out. The good friend who I had become close to was really off with me, cancelled a night out & ignored my texts. She also then started gossiping about me to other moms. However we did eventually make up. It really upset me at the time and I was so glad to make up with her.

However something similar has happened again recently. Our DD's had a disagreeement over another friend. I spoke to my friend about it (big mistake) with the girls present and it seemed to get resolved. It got worse. Both friend and her DD went to some other parents and their DD's and bad mouthed me and my DD again. I found out and spoke to my friend, she verbally attacked me. I told her to get lost and walked away.

Her DD has now formed a "gang" and they are all ignoring my DD. I have not spoken to my friend since. As far as she is concerned her DD is very "popular" and is perfect in every way!

It has upset me but not as much as it had previously. I should have learned my lesson first time around. Her DD is quite manipulative and obviously gets it from her mom.

I personally would not bother trying to get your friendship back, based on my experience anyway.

Oblomov Tue 06-Nov-12 11:29:46

Antrobus, I didn't think i was jealous. But maybe i am . A tiny bit. not much though.
Heath, I wonder if she is embarrassed. I think she genuinely maybe doesn't even care.
hairbear, so sorry that something similar has happened to you. You do seem to have come to terms with it, more than i have. I am wondering how to put your strength into my situation.
I know I need to let this go. I must. I can't kept harping on about it.
I need to use the technique, of putting this in a box, saying goodbye,and then when those thoughts enter my head, I will try and dismiss them. I know it is hard to do, but I really must do this. I will try.

hairbearbunch32 Tue 06-Nov-12 12:04:36

Oblomov - First time I was devastated. Felt like i''d lost a family member.

But the second time, I think I was more prepared for it. Maybe deep down, perhaps I hadnt let go of the previous hurt.

My husband told me over and over to toughen up. He said I let her walk all over me because I was too nice! I realised he was right.

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